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"I can't" -- do you hear this?

PeskyPesky member
in Pre-School and Daycare

My DD is a bit over 3 and is a bit hit or miss on the independence.  I think she is more than capable, but she likes company or having things done for her.  I often hear "I can't" when I know full well she can (as she has done it before) or is at least likely capable of learning.  I have told her not to say "I can't", that it is one thing if she doesn't want to but she is certainly capable of doing it herself or learning how.  DH and I discussed it last night and have commented that she seems to give up easily sometimes, due either to frustration of not getting it right away or wanting someone else to do it for her.

Have you experienced it and how do you handle?  So far we've been trying not to cave and making her do it herself anyway but fighting the battle all the time is getting old.  TIA!!


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DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO

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Re: "I can't" -- do you hear this?

  • Mysterious_wifeMysterious_wife member
    If I go 10 min without hearing "I can't" something is wrong.  I tell Allie, she can, she needs to try harder and that she is a big girl.  Most of the time it works. 1 out of 10 it doesn't. This morning she couldn't get dressed, then she couldn't feed herself. It was PITA.  I told her if she couldn't get dressed she wasn't big enough for school, within 5 min she was dressed AND brushing her hair. 
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  • ctbride08ctbride08 member

    imageMysterious_wife:
     I told her if she couldn't get dressed she wasn't big enough for school, within 5 min she was dressed AND brushing her hair. 

    This is the tactic we employ.  "Are you old enough to play on the playground and ride your bike?  Then you're old enough to (fill in the blank)."

    It also takes a lot of encouragement and reminders that he can do hard things.  Celebrate every effort and victory and give plenty of opportunities to be a big helper and build self esteem. No matter what, never ever do something for them that they can do for themselves - it will just reinforce the "i cant"'s

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  • brightningbrightning member

    We definitely went through this phase, though I don't hear much of it these days (there's hope!).

    My first tactic is to just say "Okay" and keep doing what I was doing.

    Next, I just try to break it down into steps for her. Even if it's something I know she can do. All of this newfound independence and self-sufficiency can be scary for little kids, so I try to respect that. I don't think helping them with something they know how to do is necessarily bad. I certainly encourage my DD to be independent, but she's 3 and she wants her mom to help her sometimes, and frankly I'm OK with that.

    Then, I'll offer to hold her hand while she does it herself. This works 95% of the time.

    If all of this fails, my last resort is to say, "Well, if I have to help you ___, then we're not going to have time to __. You choose."

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  • momofoliviamomofolivia

    we went through this for a while, but honestly now she wants to do everything on her own!

    when we hear that we tell her that she can and ask her to try once more.  As long as she truly tries, and doesn't just half-heartedly do it, then I will help her.  sometimes, she really can't do it. 

    Or i might start her off - step 1 - and then ask her to take over.

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  • howleyshellhowleyshell member

    (preface this with the fact that I spent most of my spare time in my childhood and adolescence at my dance studio)

    The word "can't" was banned at my dance studio growing up.  Literally the word with a huge red line thru it (ghost buster's style) was plastered on the mirror.

    I try to offer him different word choices:

    "Can't never could do anything but "Try" often finds success" was what my dance teacher always said so I find myself repeating it to him.

    I offer alternatives to him like:  "Do you mean 'I need help Mamma' or maybe 'This is tricky for me'?"  Then I help him if I really think he needs help.  If I think it's something he can do on his own I'll help him calm down first and then talk him thru the steps but not physically intercede. 

    Yup... I'm mean like that.   

    Then when he accomplishes what he was complaining about I shower him with praise and "big boy" compliments.  I've also been known to say "See.... you thought you couldn't but you tried and what happened?"

    and he usually replies with "I DID it!!!"

     

    It's cute now to hear him ask Jace "Is that tricky for you?" when he sees him struggling to do something like put on his shoes. 

    Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
    Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
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  • MrsAmersMrsAmers

    The worst of that phase with DD lasted 4-6 weeks soon after she turned 3.

    Now 3 1/2 and we only hear it on rare occasion now.  I think it is a phase where the novelty of being independent wears off...kind of like a potty training regression.  :-)

    Heather Margaret --- Feb '07 and Todd Eldon --- April '09
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