Uncomfortable Truth (s/o to October 15th Post)

triple_sevens · October 2010

I have thought a lot about "coming out" on FB on Oct 15th, but something very big is holding me back:

I'm embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed that I had a loss. At least I don't think I am. But I'm embarrassed that it's been a year and we're still not pregnant. I'm embarrassed that it's been a year and I still think about that baby so much and hurt so much. I feel like people in my life outside of my core circle of DH, my parents and sisters, MIL, and a best friend or two would be shocked to know how upset I still am. I feel like everyone would pity me and look down on me for not "getting over it."

I also just don't feel comfortable sharing something so personal with 300+ people, including current and former classmates and former colleagues.

But I still want to do something to honor it. Maybe I'll just post a link about the day and not connect the dots.

CarrieLeigh84 · October 2010

((hugs))

Sweetie, there is no need to be embarrassed about any of it. You're one of the strongest people I know.

KristysRedBarn · October 2010

Hugs. I understand what your saying and to a large degree feel the same way.

mlmtgg · October 2010

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. But completely understandable that you are nervous about people knowing this accept of your personal life. I've never posted on 10/15. While many of my FB friends know what I've been through, there are others on there that I don't think it is appropriate - if I wouldn't tell them in real life, why would I tell them virtually? Or for professional reasons (they are colleagues, judges, etc.)

You must do what is comfortable for you.

mdm2137 · October 2010

I'm feeling the same way. I want people to know, but I don't want to be pitied or hear stupid comments like "It will happen when it's meant to" or something like that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do either. There is nothing wrong with still being upset. I think we will be upset to some degree forever. It's a huge loss. ((big hugs))

ColindaP · October 2010

I feel the same way and I've had the same idea about posting some sort of vague link and not connecting the dots. I'm not a big cause-pusher on FB so I feel like it would be weird to become one all of a sudden. But then again, we're volunteering at a lung cancer walk in Nov in honor of some family members, and I fully plan to AW and cause-ify that. So why not something that applies to ME? Oh,right - because it applies to me.

I'm also embarrassed. I feel like people will think I'm a big melodramatic crybaby AW since my losses weren't visible. And I know that's the entire POINT of posting it. But talking about how we shouldn't be ashamed and there shouldn't be a stigma is way different from reality, where there is a stigma and where we will get "oh ffs, get over it already."

KelinandKevin · October 2010

ColindaP:
I feel the same way and I've had the same idea about posting some sort of vague link and not connecting the dots. I'm not a big cause-pusher on FB so I feel like it would be weird to become one all of a sudden. But then again, we're volunteering at a lung cancer walk in Nov in honor of some family members, and I fully plan to AW and cause-ify that. So why not something that applies to ME? Oh,right - because it applies to me.

I'm also embarrassed. I feel like people will think I'm a big melodramatic crybaby AW since my losses weren't visible. And I know that's the entire POINT of posting it. But talking about how we shouldn't be ashamed and there shouldn't be a stigma is way different from reality, where there is a stigma and where we will get "oh ffs, get over it already."

I completely agree with you.

ColindaP · October 2010

Also, I think I'd be less embarrassed if I were publicly pregnant. Then I wouldn't have people wondering about my reproductive status for all of eternity. That creeps me out too. I've never given the world at large reason to think about that before. I dunno if I want to.

babygirlpriest · October 2010

This is what I'm struggling with.

I don't want to deal with stupid comments, people wondering endlessly about our broken bits and pieces, or those thinking I should just get the hell over it already... or worse, people wondering endlessly if that cheeseburger bloat is a baby bump.

JenS said something in my post and it's so true. We risk becoming social napalm.

I'm just not sure which way I'll go on this one...

bbhalphen · October 2010

ColindaP:
Also, I think I'd be less embarrassed if I were publicly pregnant. Then I wouldn't have people wondering about my reproductive status for all of eternity. That creeps me out too. I've never given the world at large reason to think about that before. I dunno if I want to.

Exactly this. I am embarrassed about people thinking, what's wrong with BB? Why can't she carry a baby? And the people that ask about it now, it would be 100x worse if I were out on fb.

Clerk9 · October 2010

IRL, I'm a pretty private person. No one except for a few co-workers knew about our pregnancy (and that for mainly practical reasons: I had safety issues to worry about with x-rays, anesthesia, etc.). The first time our parents found out was when we told them about the m/c. So AWing on FB is NOT my kind of thing. (My current status update? "[JJ] thinks it's time to invest in some hot chocolate." Not terribly intimate.)

I really thought about whether or not to post on 10/15, & I consulted with DH, too. As much as I'm a private person, I'm also a pretty open book. I don't like deception. And I feel like my life has been one big deception for the past year, trying to at all times avoid the topic of our m/c. I remember, in a weird way, having so much RELIEF after the m/c because then at least the people closest to me knew what I had been going through.

I'm not embarrassed. I know it wasn't our fault. Sh*t happens. But I don't want other women who've been through this to feel like they need to hide or lie or feel bad about feeling bad. We're not freaks. We've just had really, really sh*tty luck. Period. This is why I'll be posting on 10/15.

Having said that, it is an IMMENSELY personal decision to "come out of the closet" about this. You shouldn't feel pressure to go public with something this private. Just by being on this message board, you are helping so many women to get through what, for many of us, is the worst thing that ever happened in our lives. You are making a difference already.

Sorry for the looong post. I guess I was hoping that explaining my thought process might help you out. I also hope that you don't stress too much about this. Whatever you decide, you know that we're here for you.

surfergirlkona · October 2010

I love you guys so much. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Angry, sad - yes - we have all had the shvt cards dealt to us. This is a very personal decision. I support each and every one of you no matter what you do in regards to Oct 15.

Orchard27 · October 2010

~hugs~ I feel so similarly

JayandTay09 · October 2010

Oh hun...There is no need to be embarrassed about any of this...It is an entirely craptastic situation and no reason for you to feel embarrassed...You are an incredibly strong woman - always remember that!

butterfly843 · October 2010

((hugs)) I feel the same way. I think my family thinks I'm over it by now. They have no clue that I still cry about it a few times a week. I'm embarrassed that after all these years of being married I can't seem to give my dh a baby when everyone around us has them no problem and doesn't understand. I changed my profile pic on oct 1 to the faces of loss one and copied a status of how october is pregnancy and infant loss month. I got one reply and a few likes to my status change. It kind of upset me that I don't feel that support irl, which is why I'm so thankful for this board.

Court1 · October 2010

surfergirlkona:
I love you guys so much. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Angry, sad - yes - we have all had the shvt cards dealt to us. This is a very personal decision. I support each and every one of you no matter what you do in regards to Oct 15.

All of this. Every single word.

lindsay.lou · October 2010

I know exactly how you feel. I definitely feel embarassed about the whole process as well. I'm able to recognized that it's stupid to feel that way, but it doesn't change my feelings.

Olive44 · October 2010

I don't think I'm embarassed about my loss or infertility, but I've always been one to not want to be in the spotlight. I feel like coming out on fb would just be drawing attention to me and cause people to talk behind my back. I'm so conflicted about it all. I would love to help others who have gone through it, but I feel like people will just think I'm being an AW. I hate the fact that almost no one knows what is going on in my life right now. As much as I don't want to be defined by loss and infertiltiy, I do feel like it's the main focus of my life right now. I feel like I'm holding in so much. I wish nobody felt embarassed by any of this though. We have every right to feel the way we do. I'm so glad I have you guys to talk with about it all though.

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