Does DH need time to "unwind" after work...
My DH works outside most of the time for his job so I get that he is tired and may need to relax after work. I fail to see how since I also work outside the home and then come home to fix dinner, deal with 5 yr old, deal with 11wk old, make sure we have clean clothes, pack lunches for tomorrow, bathe kids and whatever else needs to be done- PLUS I was up since 5:45 getting everyone ready and out the door that morning- He needs downtime more than me?
I sometimes get so pissed when since the moment I got home I don't sit down until I fall in the bed. He on the other hand plays a PC game for a bit, watches football or whatever and just watches me running around doing stuff and doesnt think about getting up and helping. I also get up to feed baby at night and if older child wakes up I'm there too!
Re: Does DH need time to "unwind" after work...
have you asked him to help?
my husband kinda sucks w/ the "seeing what needs to be done" too, but if I tell him to do X or Y, he's fine normally.
Its annoying to have to tell him stuff, but its more annoying for him to not do it.
When I ask him to help he usually does, but it takes him forever to do it- like if I ask him to put the older child to bed he will sit and watch TV for like 20-30 more mins and then do it- well that cuts into her winding down time, so I usually just take over and do it.
He will usually say - I don't know what you want me to do! ha ha I guess I need a mind reader. I just think that if he was running around and I was sitting doing nothing I would feel guilty enough to just get up and help or ask what he needs! Why aren't men more like women!! LOL
I will say one thing that does help is when LO is crying he will deal with her so I can get done what I need.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sure he would like time to unwind but so would I! We just don't get to do that with three small kids. I would give your DH a swift kick in the pants and let him know that rest time comes after the kids are in bed.
Since your DH works outside I can see that he would want to come home and take a quick shower. But that's it. I would be soooo resentful if he sat out the entire evening.
My twins are 5! My baby is 3!
DS#2 - Allergic to Cashew, Pistachio, Kiwi
DS#3 - Allergic to Milk, Egg, Peanut, Tree Nuts and Sesame
Yes, but he gets to when I get to. We allocate chores. One each puts a child to bed. We share cooking duties and know ahead of time who is cooking that night. We used to have one person clean the kitchen but now we tend to both help with that. Both deal with laundry and tidying as needed. Same with bills. So usually, we get to relax a bit before going to bed. I agree with pps -- you need to sit down with him, use a bunch of "I feel" statements and then clearly communicate your expectations. DH is willing to help but sometimes needs specific instructions. "The kids need a bath" is not enough -- "please wash DD and make sure to wash and condition her hair." And FWIW, we trade off who has to get up with whatever child wakes up and if he doesn't move, I just smack him and say "your turn." It works.
ETA: BTW, consider a time schedule of chores -- with everything on it. So you can say "put DD to bed and note when it must be done on the schedule." DH also tends to delay putting her to bed. I let him deal with the tantrum consequences and merely point out when he comes down that the tantrums were a result of him delaying her bedtime and ritual. He's finally learned his lesson -- sort of. He still messes up every now and again but I keep out of it and let him deal with the mess he has created. Step back and let it happen.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
We both need time to unwind.
Unfortunately, neither of us gets it until all the kids are in bed and the chores are done. My DH is awesome. Sure, sometimes I have to explicitly state what else needs to be done. But we're partners, and we operate as such.
ha ha I tell my husband that ALL the time- "I want to be a husband in my next life!"
I don't want to be a husband but I would really like a wife sometimes.
We both "unwind" together after DS is asleep. We ride together everyday so when we get home I start cooking dinner while he plays with/entertains DS. We all eat dinner then while I'm giving DS a bath/pjs he is cleaning up from dinner (unloading/loading dishwasher & cleaning whatever pots/pans I used that can't go in the dishwasher). After that we all play/hang out in the living room for an hour or so before DS is ready for bed. I put DS to bed every night I'm home b/c I like that snuggle time. DH comes in and says goodnight, then he goes and watches tv while I'm in DS's room.
After DS is asleep we both either go lay down right away or watch a little tv before laying down. Sometimes if I have laundry going I'll ask him to switch a load while I'm putting DS to sleep. DH takes out the trash as needed, cuts the grass, shovels snow in winter, etc. He also cleans the bathroom. I vacuum/mop on weekends. We both put laundry away together before bed too. It's a team effort. If I had a husband like your's I would resent him and eventually end up hating him. It's just not fair for you to be doing everything - he needs to help starting TODAY!
Is it possible to put him in charge of the 5 year old? Like he needs to make sure she gets dinner and gets to bed at a certain time. Also, ask him how much "unwind" time he needs. set a time such as 30 minutes and when the 30 minutes are up say, "time to get movin'." It is so frustrating and I think we all deal with this on some level. Luckily, my DH and I have gotten into the habit of alternating nights on who bathes and puts DS to bed. Whatever you do agree upon, don't ever do his night for him!
Also, I tell my DH that anything he does is considered choreplay....
You need to take responsibility for setting up a dynamic where you do everything and then complain about it.
I could have written that to a "T".
DH (with his commute) is out of the home for approx 55 hrs a week.
I (with my commute, picking/dropping off baby and running my own business) am out of the house 60 hrs per week. Not to mention the work I do on my business at home, all the errands I run, laundry and cleaning I do, and all the care for the baby.
DH watches DS one day a week for 9 hours.. and even then brings him to my office for lunch where he gets passed between me and my coworker for a good hour or so (and I leave NOTHING for him to do at the house except keep it clean)
He comes home every night, takes 30 min to "do his business" in the bathroom LOL and then hangs out while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. If DS is crying and my hands are full... he's so zoned into the TV that he doesn't hear DS fuss!!!
I've tried everything, and have gotten nowhere. Wish I had advice for you!!
My DH had a hard time soon after DS was born regarding this. He quickly learned that he had to readjust his habits. I often still do the bulk of the work bc he works so late but when he is here, he will do the dishes or bathe DS. Your DH needs to get over it. Make a list of things that needs to be done every night and ask him to help you work through the list. Put it on the fridge. This is what we did and it really helped him focus on the tasks and remember everything.
It really pisses me off when I hear husbands say, "but I don't know what needs to be done"
No one tells me to bathe Livie or make dinner or go grocery shopping - I just know that these things need to get done so I make them happen. It isn't about being a mind reader, it is about being an adult.
Anytime DH tells me that "he doesn't know" I blame his mother, and tell him that our (someday) son will sure as heck learn how to vacuum, clean a toilet, etc. Bringing his mom into it usually ends the discussion right there
(because 1. either I am right and his mom DID fail in giving him like skills, in which case he doesn't want to acknowledge something negative about her or 2. she actually did teach him x,y,z and he was just trying for an easy out)
I was sick of doing everything, and told DH so, and then stopped doing it. I did let DH pick his main chore, and the rest falls into place. He is on kitchen clean-up duty (I make dinner) and our kitchen got pretty grody before he actually started taking responsibility for it and keeping it clean - but it worked! He learned that I wasn't going to pick-up his slack. (not that we don't help each other)
The one thing that still bothers me is grocery shopping. If I ask him to do it, I will hear "But I don't like grocery shopping" (like I do, ugh.) In our 5 years of living together, I think he has done the grocery shopping by himself twice.
A Little Bird and a Monkey Butt
This really sounds like my DH, sad but true. When he wants to help, he's good. But he uses the excuse of well, I didn't do it becuase I thought you would say _xyz___. Sometimes he gets home before me and he's all in his nice comfy sweats etc...I cook, clean, bath dd, etc in my work clothes most of the time. Now I say here..take her so I can go change and I go upstairs, shut the door and change...ahh it helps a little
Does DH need time to unwind after work...yes. Whether or not he gets it is another matter entirely, lol. We both work full time and get home usually within 30 minutes of each others, so I flat out refuse to cater to his need to unwind 99% of the time. I don't get to unwind until after LO is asleep, so why should he? Usually I get home and start cooking dinner (I dont trust him to cook, we would both starve to death, lol), so when he walks in the door, I almost immediately ask him to feed the dog, play with LO, change a diaper, etc. This fress up time for both of us once dinner is over and LO is fed and asleep.
Of course, there are exceptions...he's an attorney and sometimes take work home with him, so if he comes in and says he need to do some work, I will handle everything so he can get it done. I don't count that as time to unwind though and if I happen to catch him "working" by reading ESPN.com or something, I don't let him get away with it, hehe.
Bottom line, if you both work, then you both start your 2nd job when you get home, and unwind when that job is done for the day.