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Stay at Home Moms
msnehz
member
Anyone listens to Dr. Laura?
msnehz
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Anyone listens to Dr. Laura?
I don't really know her whole story. I know that she had a PhD from Columbia and changed careers dramatically to become a family therapist, and got married, had a child, and got a divorce in there somewhere. I think she also had a pretty severe childhood with strict, insensitive parents.
I can see how that sort of history could give someone the views that she has on being a SAHM. She was a WM, and her life has not turned out so well. I also think she is probably severely personality disordered and has limited grasp on reality vs. her own fantasy (which is what makes her so damned entertaining). I would give the side-eye to anyone who took her really seriously.
I'm glad there is someone out there advocating for the SAHM, I just wish it wasn't someone so polarizing and dogmatic.
I think she is a nit wit.
Wow I don't even know where to begin with this one. There have never ever been valid studies done that show that kids whose parents SAH are better off than those who work. If you find one please let me know. This is YOUR opinion and that of Dr. Laura's one that she pushes on others. A bad SAHM is beat by a good daycare any day of the week so to say that a child is better off or would prefer to be with a parent than caregiver is just niave.
I am trying not to read too much into your last sentance but do you really believe that working Moms are selfish?
OF COURSE It's my OPINION. I never stated anything as fact. I said I agree with HER, not I agree that it is FACT that SAH is better for kids, I just THINK it is. Can people not have an OPINION anymore? Sure daycare over a BAD mom is better but I am assuming that we are talking about generally good parent here and giving out opinions on how or why we agree with her. I do agree with her most of the time, period. That's my opinion and I think you need to listen to her for a long time to get used to her personality. Has she said some stupid stuff absolutely but we are talking here about he views on SAHMs and I agree with her completely ON THIS AREA...which is what we are talking about here in pp.
Funny you avoided the question of do you really believe working Moms are selfish? This is why I can't stand her, because she makes other people believe that it is actually okay to look down on working Moms, she gives validation to others that believe that this is okay.
I never said working moms were selfish. NEVER did I say that in my post. Funny how you like to make me out to be a horrible mean person by putting words that I never said. I said that we live in a selfish world. I stick by that. It was more of a general comment of how I think I see society lately. My only point was that if you are truly doing what is best for your kids in your major decisions in life, then you're on the right track (whether you're working or not) but I don't think that is how a lot of people look at life after kids. I don't look down on working moms at all. I worked until DS #1 was 11 months old and I'd do again if I had to. At the time, it's what I needed to do to appreciate what I do now. I don't judge people, like you seem to be doing now, for having a different opinion. But I am not going to change my opinion to fit into the main stream. Dr. Laura doesn't ask you to judge working moms. She just asks you to ask yourself the question...are my kids better off by spending the majority of their awake hours being loved and taught by someone else. If the answer is yes, then by all means send them there.
I would love to know how having another baby has caused my son heartache and pain. We gave him a sister and we bonded our blended family together. What's wrong with that?
Again. The words I said were more likely, not always. Kids having to go to visit parents raising new babies in other households can not always be easy, can it?
Dude, axr8111 is just sharing her opinion and even states that she knows it is "unpopular." I happen to agree with a lot of her thoughts (Andrewsgal, I know you won't be surprised).
To ali-1411, I don't think she is talking specifically about YOU or judging of criticizing you and your decisions. She is sharing HER opinions openly and honestly, as we all should be able to do. I hope you can not take it personally if you know what you are doing is "the best for your family" (the most overused, cliche line of all)
Why not? Just because its their half-sister or brother really makes that much of a difference?
I was a single parent with Jordan, married DH when she was 13 and now we have Ben and are a blended family. I make no apologies for this, would do it all again...and I can assure you that my kids are perfectly well-adjusted and do not have "pain and heart ache" over it. That is just freaking ridiculous.
I don't think Dr. Laura advocates for kids. I think she likes to shove her opinion that SAHMs are superior to working moms down people's throats.
Generally speaking when a new half sibling is born into a blended family the existing children from previous relationships can have adjustment problems - feeling that they are not as accepted as the children from the new relationship. This is a general experience that is well documented in many psychology books, studies etc. While it can be wonderful when it does work out, that doesn't change the fact that often there are problems.
Regarding working mothers - There are multiple studies that show that having one parent home is best for child development. Comparing the BEST daycare to the BEST Mom at home is how you have to look at it. I don't think that working Mom's are selfish however I do believe that if at all possible you should try to stay at home and even more importantly prior to having children you should be planning for one parent to stay at home if at all possible (living on one income etc). Certainly there are times when this is not possible however in many cases it is.
Very very well put.
But some people don't want to stay home. My sister is an amazing Mom, she choses not to SAH, she is a better Mom when she is working. Does this make her selfish or a bad Mom? Heck no, it makes her a great Mom that knows what is best for her family. My working Mom taught me so much about strong independent woman and how they can be both wonderful Mothers and partners.
Generally speaking we all have times where we think people who live differently than we do are selfish. For example my neighbor often leaves her young children at home under the care of her 14 year old so that she can go to the bars (nightly) to meet a man. She also often brings these new men into her children's lives although the relationships rarely last. I think this is SELFISH behavior. So what we all find selfish is relative. Usually we only have issues with other people's opinions when we feel WE are being judged. I'm sure my neighbor would have an "issue" with me thinking she's selfish. But it doesn't change the fact that I do! Put on your big girl panties and accept that every time you've had a "rant" about someone else it's because you don't agree with what they're doing! And understand that there are going to be plenty of people who don't agree with YOU!
Stay at home Mom's can be strong, independent partners as well. It doesn't take a job to learn these skills! Again, statistically speaking kids fare better with a parent at home. I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule, but a rule is still a rule!
Of course there are adjustment issues, just as there are when parents of an existing child bring a new baby into the house. It's a change and any parent who has half of a brain knows that you need to make sure that the older sibling feels included, loved, doesn't feel neglected, etc. And that's whether they are step-siblings or not. I was 3.5 when my sister was born and my mom tells me that I was quite put out for a looooong time that I was no longer the only game in town.
And with regard to your second paragraph, there are so many variables and different scenarios as to why one parent isn't able to stay home, that I'm not even going to get into it. It's not always as as cut and dry as you are making it. Take it from someone who has been there.
Of course there are people who don't agree with me. It is funny how you know me oh so well when I very rarely post on this board, and those on my regular board don't seem to think the same but to each their own, I mean you can obviously tell so much about me.
I have on my big girl panties, but do take offense to those who think it is their way or the highway. Hell I am a SAH mom and the majority of the time I spend on this board I am defending working Moms (obviously those who are different than me). I can not stand the high and mighty SAH mom view, staying home is great for me, but not for everyone and to think that my kids will turn out oh so much better than someone elses because I SAH and they work is just wrong.
I don't know where to start with Dr Laura. She's an anti-woman, hypocritical idiot. She had an affair with a married man, but calls women who live with or sleep with men before marriage 'unpaid whores.' I can't take her seriously. At all. I've read the sahm book and was not impressed.
She did not say working moms are selfish. She said it is a selfish world, which is a perfectly valid view of how some people put other things before their kids. You over-read her last sentence.
Great I am happy that you have a wonderful family. Of course it works some of the time. I'm sure there are many more families where it all works out perfectly. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. It's a fact that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first making children in blended families more likely (of course I'm not saying it's always this way) to have 2 homes broken up rather than the one they already experienced. It's a fact that with step parenting, there is a higher rate that kids might feel more left out than if they were raised by both parents or as a second option, by one parent alone while visiting the other on weekends (alone) without having to deal with step children, step parents, step grandparents or half children. Also I think that in your situation the bonding is easier because he is living in your home. I'm thinking more about kids where they visit a parent on the weekends who has remarried, had new kids and they are truly a visitor. There is no adjusting to this. This is nothing like having a sibling brought into a family where everyone has the same mother and father, grandparents etc. All the variables of varying family just increases the chances for problems such as getting treated differently by step parents or step extended family. Even in my personal experience where my mom and step dad didn't have children, we would still spend time with his family. I couldn't help but feel the difference in how I was treated by his family. Now as an adult I understand that they could not be bonded to me just because these two people married and I was bonded to their son/brother (my step-dad), but yet I was only 10 and it made me sad to be around his family where the other kids got more love and attention. That was nothing my parents could control and I for one never ever told them what I was feeling, ever.
Just because your situation sucked doesn't mean its like that for everyone. DH is closer to his step-family than he is to his natural birth family. DS was welcomed with open arms to DH's family. DS doesn't feel left out at all.
Maybe you should have spoken up. Instead of playing the martyr, you could have worked through those feelings of being left out.
What facts are you referring to? It seems like you are quoting some outdated 1980's opinions about step families.
The fact that it's a half vs. full sibling isn't the point. It's bad enough for kids to have to visit a parent that no longer lives with them in the first place, but when there are new kids that get most of that parent's time and attention and actually get to live with that parent, when the "original" child only gets to visit, it can be even harder. I'm not saying that divorced parents shouldn't remarry and have more children, and by all means step and half siblings can be very close and have great relationships with each other, but I can see what Dr. Laura is saying about the potential for hurt feelings or whatever.
My thoughts exactly.
(m/c 1.17.07, m/c 5.15.07)
DS - 03.15.08
DD2 - 12.03.09
DD3 - 3.28.11
That explains why she's so insensitive towards most of her callers... she has no bedside manners! Some of the stuff she says... I wish I could reach through the phone and slap her silly! But still, sometimes I listen just b/c she's so entertaining. Kind of like Michael Savage.
All I can say about people getting re-married and new kids is that my DH and his brother saw their parents' marriage fall apart when my FIL cheated on my MIL with another woman, got married to her and had another child. So now my DH and BIL have a half-brother who they resent b/c he gets to live with their father, who spends money, resources, time and gives affection to his new family (which also includes 2 children from the new wife's previous marriage). All of those things my DH and his brother stopped getting when their father re-married and to this day there is a lot of bitterness in the family and I see how deeply hurt my DH is from all of this. So my opinion is that no, it's not all peaches and cream when families are blended and half-brothers and half-sisters are born. But hey, if everything is great in some families, they are lucky and more power to them!
From my personal experience:
1) Staying in a lousy marriage was NOT an option for myself or DD#1 just so she had some stability, felt loved by both parents equally and didn't feel like an outsider.
2) Our house is a blended home and DD#1 primarily lives with us. So she is never a visitor. I think for a child to feel that way the PARENT is doing something wrong. It's not the situation (divorce and remarrying). My ex willingly gives up his time with DD so he can have a social life with his wife. How messed up is that? HE chooses to do that. It's the way he is (which is a reason we are divorced). Am I saying there won't be an issue if/when they have more kids? No. But DD is vocal enough to speak up when she's being slighted. At 14 she has formed her own opinions of her father. And frankly, had we stayed together her opinions would probably be worse.
3) DD#1 never felt like the new kid(s) in town replaced her or made us push her aside for a "new" life for us (DH and I). DH knew full well that DD was part of the package and she is fully accepted by DH's family as well.
Every situation is different. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's the people involved who make that happen. Not the situation.
As for the SAHM issue being what you *should* do, everyone is different. I have friends who love their jobs and being moms, attend all activities and run themselves ragged (and make my head spin!) to make it all work. Would they give up their jobs for some sanity (and being a SAHM for 5 years, I can say that's a long shot, lol)? No. Because they love what they do. If you can make both dreams work, kudos to you.
As for Dr. Laura...frankly, a doctor with a loony past of their own shouldn't be casting stones or preaching about what is "right".
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
This!
I like you susan!
I don't think what axr is saying is so wrong. I agree with a lot of what she said.