I need support....

MayDayGirl · October 2010

Hey Ladies, I know I haven't been around for a while, I have been fasting from these parts of the internet. But I could really use some support.

I met with our social worker to get re licensed because it's been a year (BOO). And she was really honest with me. She said that even though we show really well and people seem to like us, we are just too white of a family and most AA moms have such a hard time even considering us.

She said she believes if we opened up and she showed us to Caucasian moms we would be placed really quickly, but then our fee goes up (quite a bit....)

I feel so disappointed. There are so many AA babies that need to be adopted, and here we are this completely open family, we have literally said yes to EVERY situation (even kind of scary ones) that has been presented to us, and yet nothing.

I guess I don't even know what I need from you girls, I just need someone to tell me to what to do. And I wish I had left the meeting with some sort of hope But instead of feel so let down. It doesn't sound like we're good matches for any of the AA moms they are currently working with Tongue Tied

silliestbunny · October 2010

I am sorry you are so frustrated. Figuring out what to do nearly drove me crazy!

Not knowing your budget, my advice might not be applicable.... but have you considered branching out? I know of "very Caucasian" families adopting AA children. All of the faciliators I checked in with were eager to find families for AA situations.

If you are interested in my list of facilitators, email me at jillandjohnadopt at gmail. My list is not an AA list but I do know most of the facilitators had AA situations they were trying hard to match.

Good luck

MayDayGirl · October 2010

silliestbunny:
I am sorry you are so frustrated. Figuring out what to do nearly drove me crazy!

Not knowing your budget, my advice might not be applicable.... but have you considered branching out? I know of "very Caucasian" families adopting AA children. All of the faciliators I checked in with were eager to find families for AA situations.

If you are interested in my list of facilitators, email me at jillandjohnadopt at gmail. My list is not an AA list but I do know most of the facilitators had AA situations they were trying hard to match.

Good luck

I would be open, but not yet. And we would lose all the money we've put into our agency, which would suck, plus pay most likely higher fees on top of it...

silliestbunny · October 2010

I hear ya, there!

My second piece of advice (if you wanna call it that) is to stick to what you know is right, and to pray and hold your little one tight.
If you've been called to adopt an AA child, it will happen. Waiting is the worst....it really wasn't bad at first for me but the longer the wait became, the more painful it became. I don't think there's anything that makes the wait less painful.

HannaB · October 2010

I'm sorry. This is something that my husband and I have talked about a lot -- realizing that it doesn't have to be just US who is open to another race. The expectant mom has to be open to us raising her child of color in our white family.

If I were in your position, I would open up to a baby of any race.

PrincessShay80 · October 2010

How frustrating to hear, however at least your worker is being open and honest with you guys- you would hate to waste more time waiting not knowing what the issue is.

I do think that things happen for a reason and while you feel there are so many AA babies that need homes, maybe that's just not your baby. There are also a lot of mixed race kids that needs homes (I don't know how open you are now or how much it affects things financially if you adopt a caucasian child or a child of mixed race) but I think that is a good option. At least you would know what other options are out there for you.

I know you guys did foster care before, is that option- can you adopt from the foster care system? A very good friend of mine is as white as they come and her and her DH are in the process of adopting an AA baby- they picked him up from the hospital, and he was a foster baby until about 2 months ago when the parental rights were teminated- now they are adopting him.

I will pray for you guys that the right path comes along soon! Hugs!!

Heyrenae! · October 2010

I wish I had advice to give you- I know this must be so tough. What I can do is pray for you guys, and I will.

Temp206787500007404 · October 2010

I'm sorry lady (((HUGS)))

This is actually pretty common (surprisingly) -- in my area, most of the AA moms won't even consider a CC family. And its super sad b/c they end up up really struggling to find a match before delivery and sometimes the baby ends up going into voluntary foster care (where often they are placed with a CC family anyway).

I wish I had some words of advice for you, but I don't.

wille2b · October 2010

(((BIG HUGS)) i am so sorry, I dont even know what to say! you would be the perfect family! Its in Gods hands, we both know that and when its time for your baby to come, they will.. the waiting sucks!!! it took almost 5 years for mine to come to me! i am praying for you guys!

ps. you have a pm

GulfCoaster · October 2010

MrsB2007:

I'm sorry lady (((HUGS)))

This is actually pretty common (surprisingly) -- in my area, most of the AA moms won't even consider a CC family.

That's what I've heard about my area, too. Honestly, given the racial history of the Deep South, I'm not entirely surprised... but it's sad, especially if children end up in foster care.

I don't have any advice for you, MaydayGirl, but I just wanted to send some hugs, and prayers that you will find the path that is right for you and your family.

omurray · October 2010

Wow, I imagine that was very tough to hear. Its good she was honest so that you can have more understanding as to what is taking so long, but what a frustrating reason. I'm sorry.

PSU-NCBride · October 2010

I'm really sorry to hear how hard your journey has been and continues to be. This honestly doesn't surprise me. I know that we had a very candid discussion with our BM (who is CC) and she initially was unsure of us due to the race thing. Knowing that even she had reservations, I can imagine that many AA BM's would too. I guess the way I think about it logically is that as adoptive parents WE know what we are capable of and what would be right for our families, but it is so hard to explain that through a profile to a BM who is making a lifelong decision.

My only advice is that in our journey I found that when I was pushing my will too strong, that is when I got the hardest doors shut in my face. It was the only way I seemed to change directions and ultimately that got me to the correct path where we found our children.

so1966 · October 2010

so sorry, rachel. i personally would stick with what you are most comfortable with and i really believe the right baby will find you. i know the waiting is tough, as my dh and i are still waiting. sending you lots of ((HUGS)).

waxboyd · October 2010

I know EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY how you feel. There were times when there were MORE AA/biracial babies than families wanting to adopt and we STILL couldn't get picked. We were even told that "no AA woman is going to place [a child] in a home full of white boys."

nice.

But you know, all of that heartache eventually PUSHED us to switching...and now we finally have our little black baby girl.

If you get a chance go over to our blog and watch our adoption montage video. Hope you can see some "clues" in it and how in the long run it was all meant to be. Maybe bring a little cheer your way.

It WILL happen.

*hugs*

Sharon

pepomntpat · October 2010

I'm sorry you are having so much trouble. I know you have been waiting for a long time. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I think only you and your husband can decide that. I'll be praying for you though. {hugs}