MIL's reaction to me not wanting her in the room when ds is born.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

so when we found out we were pregnant. she was the first to know because we knew she'd be SOOO excited. (ds is getting ready to go into his 30's and i think she thought she'd never have grandkids...)

and sure enough she was totally stoked. duh.

and starts telling us how "her" middle name will be rose.

how mil will come STAY WITH US for a few WEEKS. etc etc etc.

we get off the phone and i'm like.

you best be telling her the name of some hotels cuz i swear if she tries to stay with us you'll have to get a restraining order because i'll never let her near our child. (seriously she thinks she can LIVE in our home for WEEKS while we have newborn?! UGH.)

anyways.

so recently she informed me that since she had such difficult labors she better be in the room to help

help lady? whatcha gunna help with? planing of cutting me open if i need a c section? grrrr.

so dh tells her (this is true also) that the hospital only allows 2 people in the room. and we hired a doula so she'll have to wait outside or something. and that we'd also like a few days of privacy to meet/get to know our baby before we have "a lot" (code for any) visitors.

get this.

SHE DELETED US OFF FACEBOOK! in retaliation.

i'm like. thats real mature and sure did hurt my feelings but i'm not firing my doula so you can "help"

oh ANNNND. she lives across the country. i'm due in jan. she's a teacher. she can't exactly take a month off of teaching in hopes to be here at the time the baby comes. and there's no way you can get a flight plus drive to our little town in the amount of time i'll (hopefully) be in labor.

assuming its not like 19 hours...

anyways. i can't believe she deleted us of facebook. seriously. i'm the mom. i'm the woman who'll be in labor. i don't want you in the room. i odn't even want my OWN mother in the room. and she's a labor and delivery NURSE!

Ang&Jason · October 2010

wow.

robynjdm · October 2010

LMAO @ a MIL deleting her son and daughter in law off of facebook! She needs to get a life, stat. Reading this board makes me so grateful for my fantastic, loving inlaws who live only 20 miles away and are here whenever I need them, and gone whenever I don't!

Hyfagal · October 2010

I'm sorry she's being so childish about it. Hopefully she'll come around when she realizes she's acting like a douche.

My mother is also very protective of my sisters and I when it comes to labor since she had hemorrhaging with two of us. She wants to be there and help watch for signs since sometimes it can sneak up on you. However, she is not demanding about being in the room during birth or playing birth coach.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

i'm so frustrated with her!

I know this is her first grandbaby and she's super excited. but its our first ANYTHING baby haha.

and she's been such a drama queen the entire way through.

citychicks · October 2010

Wow. Talk about crazy pants. That's someone I want teaching my kids Indifferent

Jenniferk08 · October 2010

honestly she's hurt and was just trying to be helpful. I feel jealous when I read posts about "horrible" MIL's who would dare to want to help new parents with their babies. And are so excited that they want to be in the room with them. Your MIL lives far away so what were the chances she'd actually get there in time?

My MIL died before H and I met and while I do not think I would've wanted her in the room it would have been nice to have someone who would offer to help with the baby.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

robynjdm:
LMAO @ a MIL deleting her son and daughter in law off of facebook! She needs to get a life, stat. Reading this board makes me so grateful for my fantastic, loving inlaws who live only 20 miles away and are here whenever I need them, and gone whenever I don't!

jealous.

his dad is great tho. and my family is near and i like them. lol but i guess i'm biased. dh likes them a lot also tho and i sometimes wonder if he prefers my family haha.

i know i sure do.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

Jenniferk08:
honestly she's hurt and was just trying to be helpful. I feel jealous when I read posts about "horrible" MIL's who would dare to want to help new parents with their babies. And are so excited that they want to be in the room with them. Your MIL lives far away so what were the chances she'd actually get there in time?

My MIL died before H and I met and while I do not think I would've wanted her in the room it would have been nice to have someone who would offer to help with the baby.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

kdodge423:
If my BSC SIL had a son, I'd swear you were married to him.

oh that just confused me...

was that an insult to me and my H or your SIL?

Lmwearebride · October 2010

I can understand why you wouldn't want MIL in the room during delivery, however waiting a few days before you let her visit seems a bit unreasonable. Personally, My MIL would have been very hurt had we have done this. My H is her only child, and she was so excited about having a new granddaughter I def. wanted her to be there soon after her first was born. My MIL was in the room hours after I gave birth and I was thrilled. Maybe you wont want her there till your in recovery and in your own room which is fine but I think making her stay away a few days is unfair. I think she is probably just hurt and doesnt know how to go about telling you that. Good Luck

sstephen27 · October 2010

OMG I'm in almost the exact same position! DH is early 30s and this will be MILs first grandchild. She's been driving me up the wall emailing me about buying baby stuff (although she'sbroke) and has already shipped us our crib (even though I wasn't ready, worried about jinxing). We also live cross country from her and the rest of our family. Well, she just told us she's booking her trip out here for 1 week after my due date. I told her that was fine, but if I go past my due date (which is more likely than not because this is my 1st), DH and I want to be alone with baby for about a week while he's off of work. She's a teacher and doesn't get much time off, so if she's out here when we bring baby home from hospital, she's going to have to do a lot of sitting in her hotel room and that's just going to have to be the way it is (I didn't put it quite like that though lol). Well, I also mentioned my mom is going to be here for the birth (at the hospital, not in the room while I deliver) but will be leaving after...so after hearing all this (in an email), MIL hasn't talked to me for a week. She's so immature and literally has tantrums if she doesn't get her way by fake crying and pouting. She threw a tantrum over the summer in Kohls because she wanted to buy the baby a stuffed animal and I said no. She held it in her arms and pouted at us and made whimpering noises. I put my foot down and said no and she pouted for an hour after. Incredible.

Lmwearebride · October 2010

I am not sure why its okay for your mom to come to the hospital but not your H's mom? That seems unfair. Regardless of how you may feel about her, I think she should have the right to be there if your mother does to JMHO. And I think its really nice that she bought you a crib maybe it wasnt good timing but cribs can be quite expensive and having her take care of that for you seems like a very nice thing. I am not sure I am getting the issue here with MIL. I think yours is just excited about having a grand baby. Maybe you can call her instead of emailing her your thoughts.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

sstephen27:
OMG I'm in almost the exact same position! DH is early 30s and this will be MILs first grandchild. She's been driving me up the wall emailing me about buying baby stuff (although she'sbroke) and has already shipped us our crib (even though I wasn't ready, worried about jinxing). We also live cross country from her and the rest of our family. Well, she just told us she's booking her trip out here for 1 week after my due date. I told her that was fine, but if I go past my due date (which is more likely than not because this is my 1st), DH and I want to be alone with baby for about a week while he's off of work. She's a teacher and doesn't get much time off, so if she's out here when we bring baby home from hospital, she's going to have to do a lot of sitting in her hotel room and that's just going to have to be the way it is (I didn't put it quite like that though lol). Well, I also mentioned my mom is going to be here for the birth (at the hospital, not in the room while I deliver) but will be leaving after...so after hearing all this (in an email), MIL hasn't talked to me for a week. She's so immature and literally has tantrums if she doesn't get her way by fake crying and pouting. She threw a tantrum over the summer in Kohls because she wanted to buy the baby a stuffed animal and I said no. She held it in her arms and pouted at us and made whimpering noises. I put my foot down and said no and she pouted for an hour after. Incredible.

i don't mind if she buys stuff. but ya his mom is totally broke also! she lives with his sister...

and pp. about not wanting her there after.

a baby is a baby weather she is seeing him hours after or a few days. not much will have changed and i'll have had time to start recovering and be in a better mood to deal with her. haha

i think its great when people have lots of family around right after but i know it will bother me because i'll not be ready to share him.

janecanadian · October 2010

I'm kind of surprised by the number of people who are going to keep their newborns from their parents for the first week or so. Each to their own I guess. I'm sure my parents or DH's parents would be extremely disappointed and sad if we did that to them!

ETA: I am also surprised by the people saying that because their DH's were nearing 30 their families had lost hope for them to ever have kids. Hilarious! I guess I chose career first over settling down and having children in my early 20's so I totally cannot relate. Makes me laugh though!

Lmwearebride · October 2010

Re: MIL's reaction to me not wanting her in the room when ds is born.

I'm kind of surprised by the number of people who are going to keep their newborns from their parents for the first week or so. Each to their own I guess. I'm sure my parents or DH's parents would be extremely disappointed and sad if we did that to them!

I couldn't agree more. Also its usually the parents that throw the baby shower for the new baby, So would it be okay for them to throw the shower but then not be there when the baby is born? hmmm

StarJay · October 2010

janecanadian:

I'm kind of surprised by the number of people who are going to keep their newborns from their parents for the first week or so. Each to their own I guess. I'm sure my parents or DH's parents would be extremely disappointed and sad if we did that to them!

ETA: I am also surprised by the people saying that because their DH's were nearing 30 their families had lost hope for them to ever have kids. Hilarious! I guess I chose career first over settling down and having children in my early 20's so I totally cannot relate. Makes me laugh though!

DH and I live quite a distance from both our families. We haven't discussed plans with his parents yet, but my mom expressed an opinion I appreciated. She stated she feels its important for new parents to have the baby to themselves for at least a few days at home to establish both bonds and a routine that works for them w/o an extra set of hands around. So while I don't know what my ILs are planning I know my mom doesn't plan on even coming out until the baby is several days or even a couple weeks old.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

idk where the other poster got the opinion my mom will be there but mil wont...

i specifically said she wont.

and she didn't throw a fit about it.

while obviously my mom would love to see the baby right away and offered whatever help we want.

she said so herself it was very stressful for her to have people coming in and out of her hospital room and then in and out of her house so she understands.

i used to think the same thing when friends told me they didn't want people there. but something changed as soon as i got pregnant.

janecanadian · October 2010

StarJay:
janecanadian:

I'm kind of surprised by the number of people who are going to keep their newborns from their parents for the first week or so. Each to their own I guess. I'm sure my parents or DH's parents would be extremely disappointed and sad if we did that to them!

ETA: I am also surprised by the people saying that because their DH's were nearing 30 their families had lost hope for them to ever have kids. Hilarious! I guess I chose career first over settling down and having children in my early 20's so I totally cannot relate. Makes me laugh though!

DH and I live quite a distance from both our families. We haven't discussed plans with his parents yet, but my mom expressed an opinion I appreciated. She stated she feels its important for new parents to have the baby to themselves for at least a few days at home to establish both bonds and a routine that works for them w/o an extra set of hands around. So while I don't know what my ILs are planning I know my mom doesn't plan on even coming out until the baby is several days or even a couple weeks old.

That's a different situation then. Nice that you see eye to eye with your mom and that there won't be any disagreements. In this situation if you get visitors at the hospital do you turn them away?

Lmwearebride · October 2010

I wasnt replying to yours - sorry i still suck at the bump copy and paste who im replying to :P I was referring to the other post about MIL. Sorry to be confusing

JCragg · October 2010

OMG. She's awesome. I feel for you.

DeAnna&DavidRyder · October 2010

oh no prob.

i was wondering if i said that... and was going to have to back track and fix it. lol

but ya i'm just so frustrated that she has to make a big deal about everything. not being in the room should be an honor. not a privilege.

and regardless of whats right wrong nice inconsiderate or whatever.

we're the parents and we make the decisions and she needs to be respectful of it.

TripMomma · October 2010

Good riddance!

TripMomma · October 2010

Jenniferk08:

honestly she's hurt and was just trying to be helpful. I feel jealous when I read posts about "horrible" MIL's who would dare to want to help new parents with their babies. And are so excited that they want to be in the room with them. Your MIL lives far away so what were the chances she'd actually get there in time?

My MIL died before H and I met and while I do not think I would've wanted her in the room it would have been nice to have someone who would offer to help with the baby.

I haven't seen my father since I was 8, my mother I have not seen since I was 17. It's sad and I miss them and wish things were different. Having said that I would never give my MIL a free pass just because my own mom is not in the picture.

TripMomma · October 2010

Lmwearebride:
I can understand why you wouldn't want MIL in the room during delivery, however waiting a few days before you let her visit seems a bit unreasonable. Personally, My MIL would have been very hurt had we have done this. My H is her only child, and she was so excited about having a new granddaughter I def. wanted her to be there soon after her first was born. My MIL was in the room hours after I gave birth and I was thrilled. Maybe you wont want her there till your in recovery and in your own room which is fine but I think making her stay away a few days is unfair. I think she is probably just hurt and doesnt know how to go about telling you that. Good Luck

I think everyone has to do what feels right for them, there is no right or wrong. When the triplets were born they went to the NICU right away. I did not allow any visitors for about 10 days (they were there for just over a month). Sure people wanted to come and may have been upset but they never said anything to us. They probably felt it's our new babies and our new family and respected our wishes to give us time to bond and adjust.

purpledawgy · October 2010

I am so glad my MIL is nothing like this! I don't understand why some people feel so entitled to intrude on such a personal time. It is your body, your baby, your labor, your call, end of story! As an L&D nurse, I see this a lot and it annoys the heck out of me. Especially when a mom has had a really hard, long labor and needs nothing more than some time with her baby and a good long nap and the family and friends just don't get it; they just keep coming in even if the mom is near tears from exhaustion. Or when family/friends come to the hospital at 2am with small children in tow. Seriously, the baby is going to be a baby for a while, you can wait! Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant, but I'm 100% on your side on this one! Wish our hospital had a 2 person limit, but we are a "family" birth center, so that means there is no limit on people.

purpledawgy · October 2010

TripMomma:

I think everyone has to do what feels right for them, there is no right or wrong. When the triplets were born they went to the NICU right away. I did not allow any visitors for about 10 days (they were there for just over a month). Sure people wanted to come and may have been upset but they never said anything to us. They probably felt it's our new babies and our new family and respected our wishes to give us time to bond and adjust.

Amen! I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge the decisions people make about who can/can't be present during labor or in the days following. You never truly know the whole situation and not every parent is supportive. Some people act of out selfishness (or narcissism because they think everything should be about them) and I think it is appropriate to set boundaries with people like this even if they are your parents or in-laws. Like the original poster said, they (as in the poster and her husband) are the parents, it's their decision.

buboo · October 2010

I also agree that I am glad my MIL is very considerate (especially considering she had 3 boys and has never been in the delivery room for any of her 10 grandchildren).

I really thought that I would not want ANY visitors after having LO. ( it was literally in my birth plan notes)

My mother, who lives 6hrs away wanted to be there for the birth ( I never invited her up). so she drove up when she found out I was in active labor. I did not even want her there! I ended up having a c-section. My MIL was there right after I got out of surgery as well and I was so glad to share LO with my mom and MIL even though I thought I did not want anyone there besides me and DH.

It was so nice having my mom to help me while I was recovering and MIL lives 4 houses away.

Your MIL just wants to help but I think she does not know how to do it in a way that will not overwhelm you, It sounds like she needs to step back and relax. Can DH talk to her about it?

bikernun · October 2010

I just don't get why all these mom's or mil's are getting so upset about not being allowed in the room. I mean really...RESPECT is key. Hopefully she gets a clue before her grandchild gets here and she missed out on to much stuff acting like an immature brat.

BabyShipp · October 2010

Sounds to me it would be more stressful with her in the room. Deleting you off facebook? That'll show ya! Lame. You're better off. Maybe if she learns to respect your wishes during YOUR pregnancy/delivery she'd get better responses from you. Not that you not wanting her there is bad.

Sheas · October 2010

Oh my. And they let her be a teacher????

pregaftertubal · October 2010

bottom line here is, this is YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDS baby!!!! regardless of whatevery anyone else feels, it's your decision. end of story! it is nobody's business what you decide to do. your mil does have every right to be upset BUT, she needs to deal with that like an adult. to be so childish and do the things she is doing, will only make things worse between you all. hopefully in time she will realize the damage she has done and will ease up a bit. I HATE when i hear of parents just expecting to be in the delivery room!!!! are you kidding me???? when they were having us, the husbands weren't even allowed in, do they forget this??????

i'm sorry that you have to deal with MIL issues on top of preggie issues. believe me, i've been there! just make sure you keep your communication open with your husband and that he is on your side. nothing feels worse than MIL/DH against you!

staceymaria321 · October 2010

HAHA! I dont mean to laugh but its soooo nice to know that others are have MIL problems too:) I love mine to death but she was driving me nuts about being in the delievery room.

My dad is always good at putting things in perspective and he reminded me that this is a very special time for me and my hubby. We should be experiencing this together and rememeber that no sooner will that baby be born and everyone will be in the room to see him/her!

Everyone seems to be driving me nuts lately and Im trying to just go with the flow and shut my mouth. When the time comes, I already know my decision and they dont really have a choice at that point.

Quiroloslove · October 2010

WOW, I thought I had it bad with my MIL!! Hang in there.

jlewis121186 · October 2010

i guess i am "lucky" my mil hates me, lol

my mother will be there if she can get here in time...she has to drive 5-6 hours to get to my hospital from her house, so its a fly by the seat of our pants operation here...

i think what people are missing is that you dont want her LIVING with you when baby is born and in the delivery room with you...you didnt say you didnt want her to get to see the baby at all did you? maybe my pregnant brain is glitching today, but i jsut saw that you dont want her around all the time and nine kinds of in your....well...you know, lol...during labor...

TheCricket · October 2010

Considering the fact that the hospital has a rule that she can't be there (if your Doula is going to be there) is enough to make her react like a middle-school girl really speaks volumes. If she's this immature, be happy you aren't linked to her on Facebook, and don't be so quick to re-friend her when she decided to get over her little tantrum.

Firedancer1013 · October 2010

I had a family member who wouldn't let anyone come see their LO for 3 months after birth because they wanted the mat leave to be only the immediate family, and I've also had family members who had their entire family in the delivery room right after birth. I didn't personally love either of these ideas- the no family idea or the fact that the second new mom didn't get to hold her baby for like 3 hours because everyone was taking pictures with her, however, as some of the pp's have said, each person is different and gets to decide what they want. At the end of the day, yes you are still going to be family with these people, and while what you need on this day and the time after is ultimately the most important, the best thing you can do is try to make them feel as important as possible by saying things like, 'As soon as we have visitors, I'd like you (and my mom, etc) to be the first to be there' just so that they know that you really want them there and it's not so much of a slam.

AimeeL85 · October 2010

That is hilarious. She sounds like a very mature woman. I wonder how long it will take her to wish she hadn't done that and awkwardly try to refriend you.

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