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Blended Families
Failing school
We got report cards yesterday and SS13 in 7th grade is failing most of his classes once again. We went though this last year and I'm just ready to be done with him. Honestly. I sit with him everyday after school helping him with his homework and studying for tests, then he turns around and doesn't turn that homework in, doesn't do any classwork, and doesn't even try to finish tests. We've had him stay after school and go in early for extra help. I really don't know what else to do with him. We are emailing all of his teachers to set up another conference, but he just doesn't give a crap.
We've tried taking away his video games, TV, time with friends everything and he just doesn't care. I have a lot going on and I feel like if he doesn't respect the time I give him, I have plenty of other things I need to get done. Any advice?
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Re: Failing school
It seems like you are doing all you can to help him. What are his mom and dad doing individually to shake him up? He's 13, I agree that he's not a little kid and he definitely should be capable of more maturity.
I'm not sure how strict HIS parents are (individually or together - if possible) in terms of not doing his work and consequences for them, but maybe there is the answer for you.
As a SM, you can only do so much. Are you the one who has taken much of the responsibility for his well-being on your shoulders?
Has he been tested for learning disabilities?
What does he say when confronted with his bad grades?
Ditto has he been tested for learning disabilities?
What about depression or drinking/drugs? And please do not assume that because of his age that he cannot be drinking or doing drugs.
What is going on is not normal and he likely is not ok with it even if he says he is, something is wrong and instead of giving up you need to get his Dad to see there is a real issue that needs to be addressed b/c this will spiral out of control on a much bigger scale than grades as he gets older if it is not already - drinking, drugs, stealing, truancy, etc. Get him the help me needs even if it takes a lot to figure out what that help is.
Thanks for all the support. I'm just so frustrated with him. He doesn't have any learning disabilities, and DH helps as much as he can, but since he works nights, leaves at 3pm, I'm the one who has to do most of the school stuff with him. I just don't know at what point I should give up. I know he is only 13, but this has been a constant struggle with him. He barely passed 6th grade last year and only because he just wasn't doing or turning in his work.
I have to remind myself that I only have so much control of him and his view towards education, BM is a high school drop out and her mom, who only has an 8th grade education, "homeschooled" him until we got custody in 3rd grade. At this rate, I really don't think he's going to graduate high school. He just causes so much stress for DH. I think we might look into counseling.
You say he does not have a learning disability but how do you know? Has he been tested or do you just THINK he can do it? And you never answered about talking to his doctor about depression. Does he see his Mom at all? It sounds like he barely sees his Dad and I understand that your DH has to work so that is not a flame but the kid is struggle with a lot and it is not only school - he was homeschooled by an uneducated woman until probably 9yo and he barely sees his Dad b/c he works when SS is home. Those are good reasons to be struggling with school or acting out, he NEEDS help. Does he have a councelor?
I have a couple questions for you to answer for your DH.
1) Exactly how was he tested (if all) for learning disabilities? Did you do the cursory school exam or did you go all out and have a neuropsychiatrist check him out?
My SS has a low-grade processing disability. This was not found by his school testing or by the basic pschologist. The affects are subtle, but has an overall effect.
So please do not stop at one round of testing.
2) What did your DH do to help SS make up for the lost years of education at his mother's house? Did you all provide extra support or did you rely on the public schools to help him?
And honestly, is there no way his father can look at getting a different shift or new job? Anything to spend some time with his son?
You cannot blame this kid for not doing his all, when his father cant be bothered in doing everything he can either.
I am currious as well, about the testing for learning disabilities. My ss was diagnosed with a learning disability in math and now does annual IEP testing. The counselor said if he was failing all his courses then he would of qualified for funded counseling by the county we live in. It is definetly something to look into, and at the very least I would look into counseling for him.
Rather than going for more punishments to get him to work, have you tried more positive reinforcement?
Have him work for an hour, then get a half hour of tv. Have him turn in his homework to earn video game time, etc. That way it's a positive for good behavior, and not negative. You get to give him things instead of taking them away. It might make a difference.