NTTGPR but am I being selfish?

msmarsh · September 2010

Sorry this is a monster post. I appreciate your insight! Ok, a little background:

I am originally from Arizona and most of my family stills lives there. I try to go home at least 2x a year to see everyone, especially my 84 yo Nana. H's family lives about an hour from us and we have spent the last 2 Christmases with them. We flew to AZ last year for the week of NYE and I went home again in April.

H owns his own business. He works in the financial planning industry and things have been a bit rocky for the last 2.5 years. We've still been able to do a lot of wonderful things (travel, home projects, going out with friends) but now that we are TTC, my H is really wanting to tighten the belt and work on our financial plan.

The problem: I really want to go home for actual Christmas this year. H was all for it, but now he is being wishy washy about committing. He says it is partly due to the expense (which keeps climbing, thank you airlines) and partly because he feels like he's already taken a lot of time off from work (we've been on 2 week-long vacations this year, one in March and one last week).

I'm just feeling really let down. frustrated, a little mad, etc. because I still really want us both to go! I don't want to be without H for the holidays and I know it will cost quite a bit, but I think it is worth every penny.

Am I being selfish? What would you do/say to YH in this situation? TIA Huh?

RhodyMomToBe · September 2010

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Don't let him stop you from visiting your family. I'd tell MH that I'm going with or without him and leave him to make his decision.

herray · September 2010

Every situation is different, but I would agree with my husband on this one.

Good luck though, I hope you two work this out.

MrsT0522 · September 2010

I don't think it's selfish at all. You want to see your family on Christmas, and that's completely understandable.

Maybe tell/show your DH that your serious about wanting to go, and cut back on things like morning coffee, eating out, new clothes, to show him how badly you would like to go.

youngin12 · September 2010

I think you should go see your family during Christmas. You are not being selfish at all.

marriedfilingjointly · September 2010

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to go home for the holidays this year. When did you first bring up the topic? I only ask because I wonder if he would be more on board with it if he had known sooner so that he could plan his time off work accordingly.

As far as the cost, tell him what you are willing to do in order to save the money for the trip--tell him you'll pack your lunch at least 4 days a week, or that you won't go shopping, or whatever it is that you can do to cut spending. When he sees how much it means to you, he might be more likely to come around.

MrsPBNJ0220 · September 2010

I'd have to go with PP. I personally would agree with my DH on this one, and I probably would skip it for this one year. GL!

Syncronicity09 · September 2010

Have you thought about having your family come see you this year? My sister moved to Colorado about 8 years ago and her and her H always came back to California for holidays. But last year a bunch of us went to them. We had a great time and they got to take a travel break.

msmarsh · September 2010

MrsT0522:
Maybe tell/show your DH that your serious about wanting to go, and cut back on things like morning coffee, eating out, new clothes, to show him how badly you would like to go.

I have already started doing this in general to work on a better "financial plan." But I also told him that all I want for Christmas is to see my family. We normally exchange gifts and I told him that instead of spending money on stuff for each other and my AZ family, I'd rather put that money towards the trip.

msmarsh · September 2010

marriedfilingjointly:
I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to go home for the holidays this year. When did you first bring up the topic? I only ask because I wonder if he would be more on board with it if he had known sooner so that he could plan his time off work accordingly.

I started pricing flights in early August. We waited and waited to book tickets last year (again, partly due to H) and we paid through the nose.

Tickets were reasonable when I first started looking (under $300 pp round trip) but they are already going up. That's part of why I am frustrated. The more he waits, the more expensive it gets. But I don't want to feel like I am pushing him either.

Tomsbabyboo · September 2010

I don't think you're being selfish, but I do understand that your husband is concerned about the financial aspect of the trip. Perhaps you can both spend Christmas together and just you visit your family for boxing day or New Years? Hopefully you can both some up with a compromise, I totally understand wanting to spend the holidays with your family since you haven't in the past couple of years (especially if you have news to share :-). Good luck figuring things out!

msmarsh · September 2010

MrsPBNJ0220:
I'd have to go with PP. I personally would agree with my DH on this one, and I probably would skip it for this one year. GL!

Can I ask why you think that? Not trying to be snarky at all. I am just curious what your reasoning is to help me understand his side : )

BonitaKaz · September 2010

marriedfilingjointly:

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to go home for the holidays this year. When did you first bring up the topic? I only ask because I wonder if he would be more on board with it if he had known sooner so that he could plan his time off work accordingly.

As far as the cost, tell him what you are willing to do in order to save the money for the trip--tell him you'll pack your lunch at least 4 days a week, or that you won't go shopping, or whatever it is that you can do to cut spending. When he sees how much it means to you, he might be more likely to come around.

My thoughts exactly.

msmarsh · September 2010

MrsPrevost:
Have you thought about having your family come see you this year? My sister moved to Colorado about 8 years ago and her and her H always came back to California for holidays. But last year a bunch of us went to them. We had a great time and they got to take a travel break.

My mom and stepdad came back here for the 4th of July and mom came back again for H's birthday in August. I don't want to ask them to spend more money.

Plus my Nana can't travel. She had a stroke right before our wedding and she is in a wheelchair. She is very important to me and I really feel like I need to see her as much as possible.

steff13914 · September 2010

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I would just make it clear to him that you are going, and you'd really like it if he can join you. He'll do the right thing in the end.

MH and I have this coversation all the time too. He works with his family, and they see each other all day every day. My family lives 5 hours away, and I try to go to see them twice a month. Sometimes he makes a big deal about not being able to get off work, but I just remind him that it's important to me, and he magically figures out a way to go.

I think your husband will come around to the idea. Can you suggest not doing gifts for each other this year so you can travel? Maybe try to compromise and only go for 3 or 4 days to save money?

ETA:typos

herray · September 2010

msmarsh:
MrsPBNJ0220:
I'd have to go with PP. I personally would agree with my DH on this one, and I probably would skip it for this one year. GL!
Can I ask why you think that? Not trying to be snarky at all. I am just curious what your reasoning is to help me understand his side : )

Ok, I know you didn't ask me, but i had the same response, so here goes.

I can sympathize w/your DH because I tend to worry about finances and work. I get seriously anxious about it. However, I do not have long distance family and have never been in this situation before. I don't truly understand how you're feeling because I've never experienced it.

Pinkwoman · September 2010

Everyone's marriage is different but I personally would never feel comfortable telling DH that I was doing something whether or not he liked it. We make decisions together, and we talk it out as to why we feel a certain way. You need to tell him why it is extremely important for you guys (TOGETHER) to go, and what you are willing to sacrifice to make it happen. Then he needs to tell you why he is hesitant and then you need to find a solution together.

Have you ever thought of getting an extra part-time job just for a few months so you can pay for the trip without dipping into the money you are saving??

Regardless, you guys need to find a solution together. And there is a good possibility that you guys might just have to stay home this year

msmarsh · September 2010

Pinkwoman:
Everyone's marriage is different but I personally would never feel comfortable telling DH that I was doing something whether or not he liked it. We make decisions together, and we talk it out as to why we feel a certain way. You need to tell him why it is extremely important for you guys (TOGETHER) to go, and what you are willing to sacrifice to make it happen. Then he needs to tell you why he is hesitant and then you need to find a solution together.

Have you ever thought of getting an extra part-time job just for a few months so you can pay for the trip without dipping into the money you are saving??

Regardless, you guys need to find a solution together. And there is a good possibility that you guys might just have to stay home this year

H and I are the same. We always work things out together. I am a big believer in compromise, which is why I am finding this patricular situation so stressful.

We have the money, but H is always worried about not having enough. He grew up very poor and is constantly working to increase our cushion because, to be honest, he is a bit paranoid about ever falling backwards.

Due to my job, there is no way to work part time somewhere else. My boss would not allow it. But maybe I can still find other ways to raise some extra. We do have some things to sell via Craigslist. maybe if I can gt them sold, H would feel more comfortable.

katekat8721 · September 2010

I don't think you're being selfish. I would want to spend Christmas with my family (meaning DH is there too!)

I don't know if there's anything you can do to convince him other than what the other ladies have said. Really sit down with him and explain how important it is to you to treasure these family occasions while you can, how you realize it is pricey but you are willing to make sacrifices to go... hopefully he comes around.

I would also be a bit annoyed that the last few Christmases you've spent with his family, and this Christmas you can't spend it with yours. I know it's petty, but it's something that would cross my mind! Is it possible for you guys to stay with your family to cut down on hotel costs?

Pinkwoman · September 2010

msmarsh:
Pinkwoman:

Everyone's marriage is different but I personally would never feel comfortable telling DH that I was doing something whether or not he liked it. We make decisions together, and we talk it out as to why we feel a certain way. You need to tell him why it is extremely important for you guys (TOGETHER) to go, and what you are willing to sacrifice to make it happen. Then he needs to tell you why he is hesitant and then you need to find a solution together.

Have you ever thought of getting an extra part-time job just for a few months so you can pay for the trip without dipping into the money you are saving??

Regardless, you guys need to find a solution together. And there is a good possibility that you guys might just have to stay home this year

H and I are the same. We always work things out together. I am a big believer in compromise, which is why I am finding this patricular situation so stressful.

We have the money, but H is always worried about not having enough. He grew up very poor and is constantly working to increase our cushion because, to be honest, he is a bit paranoid about ever falling backwards.

Due to my job, there is no way to work part time somewhere else. My boss would not allow it. But maybe I can still find other ways to raise some extra. We do have some things to sell via Craigslist. maybe if I can gt them sold, H would feel more comfortable.

I just read that you spent the last 2 Christmas' with his family...I read that wrong the first time.

I think you should def. go see your family. Especially if you might be getting KU soon. Who knows if you will be able to afford it after that!

I like the CL idea...sell sell sell!! As Dave Ramsey would say, "Sell so much that the kids think they're next!"

vegetara · September 2010

Is it possible that YH is afraid that he'll get in trouble or maybe somehow reduce his standing at work if he takes even more time off? You mentioned taking a couple of vacations already.

msmarsh · September 2010

vegetara:
Is it possible that YH is afraid that he'll get in trouble or maybe somehow reduce his standing at work if he takes even more time off? You mentioned taking a couple of vacations already.

He owns his own business, so he won't "get in trouble" with anyone. He is just worried about meeting his own standards. Before he met me he hadn't taken a real vacation in more than ten years!

vegetara · September 2010

msmarsh:
vegetara:
Is it possible that YH is afraid that he'll get in trouble or maybe somehow reduce his standing at work if he takes even more time off? You mentioned taking a couple of vacations already.
He owns his own business, so he won't "get in trouble" with anyone. He is just worried about meeting his own standards. Before he met me he hadn't taken a real vacation in more than ten years!

Okay, well, in this case, I think you're being reasonable.

cantalopes24 · September 2010

I say go home. He can drive and see his parents, you can go and see yours. Its one christmas and its just the two of you. It might even be the last year you travel because once you have a baby you will probably want to stay put, so I say go for it!

mrsbaker1128 · September 2010

I agree w/ PP, I'd definitely go see my family this year. I couldn't imagine being away from mine for the holidays, esp. two years in a row! I think once the two of you talk about it more, he'll see how important this is to you! I'd try saving money and definitely try the CL idea! Good luck!

kissyfitt · September 2010

I know it's a huge pain in the butt, but would it be possible to travel an alternate way? Train, bus, car? If it has to be air travel, I agree with PPs when they say to offer to cut costs by packing lunches, not getting at restaurants, etc.

I understand how badly you want to see your family, but I also see YH point about money. It's definitely a tough situation

MarKatie · September 2010

This might sound a little ugly, but if I couldn't see my family at Christmas but we saw DH's family every year, I'd probably be really bitter. Especially if I suggested that we see them this year and he said no. The best reason in the world would still make me resent him.

I feel like I need to be around my parents though. Especially after my grandparents died last year - I feel like the clock is ticking.

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