Libido (pretty long)

picklesx · September 2010

I'm pretty ashamed to admit this but for the past few years it's like my sex drive has been declining rapidly. I mean, I was never one of those hot & horny teenager type people (even when I was a teenager and should have been!) and have always been somewhat shy in the bedroom, but there was a point where I did actually enjoy having sex and had no problem initiating it or trying new things or anything like that.

A few years ago that just started going away. I thought it was because I started on BCP but even after changing up pills and even now that I'm off of it I just have no libido left whatsoever. I have no desire to have sex just to have sex. Recently having sex between DH & I has been just for the purpose of getting KU and he's not even enjoying it because he knows that I don't really want to be doing it. It's really putting a damper on our relationship and when we argue, we argue about our sex life, or lack thereof, and he's told me himself that it makes him feel bad about himself and undesirable that I don't want to have sex.

I'm becoming pretty concerned because although I know that he won't and it's just my insecurities and paranoia kicking in, I have fears of him seeking a sexual relationship elsewhere in order to get what he's not getting from his wife.

I don't know what to do or how to get my sex drive back up to where I'll at least have a desire to have sex, you kow? I barely ever get aroused anymore, which makes sex incredibly uncomfortable.

Sex obviously is a gigantic part of TTC and it should be fun trying to make a baby but how can you have fun or make a baby when the drive to do what it takes is gone?

I know this was probably too long and hard to follow, so props if you made it this far. I know it's not entirely TTGP related but, well, it sort of is. I'm just really ashamed and embarrassed and sad about this and I don't even know how to go about helping the matter.

Pinkwoman · September 2010

Read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." She has a pretty old fashioned way of looking at things, but her insight about the needs of men is pretty right on (although she has some pretty empowering things to say about being a woman too!). She makes some good sense about the importance of sex in a marriage and why to do it even when you don't "feel like it."

I also read her "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". It really sparked something in me that is encouraging me to be a better and more involved partner.

MrsPBNJ0220 · September 2010

I would suggest you speak with your Dr. there could be something going on medically that is preventing you from getting aroused. I can tell you though I used to be the same way and I am kind of now also. I ended up asking my sister what she thought and she seemed to think that not wanting it all the time was a pretty normal thing.

I started writing down when I was in the mood and really looking at the bigger picture it didn't seem there was a problem. Perhaps you could also try getting your Husband to do more sensual stuff to you prior and maybe a warm up is what you need.

I'd try some changes in the bedroom first but if that doesn't work for sure see a Dr. and make sure all is okay. GL!

ETA: Like PP said, try that book. I haven't read the book but I have read plenty of other things and I have learned to give all that I've got just for him. If him straying is a concern to you.

repen · September 2010

If you are worried about hurting your marriage, then I think it is past time to seek outside help. I give you props for admitting the issue. I know it can't be easy.

I would call your OBGYN or your family dr. Are you going through depression? It could be an underlying medical problem. If not then maybe you need more intimacy and foreplay. If you need someone to talk to, I have an open ear & mind.

Good luck!

Birdies08 · September 2010

MrsPBNJ0220:
I would suggest you speak with your Dr. there could be something going on medically that is preventing you from getting aroused. I can tell you though I used to be the same way and I am kind of now also. I ended up asking my sister what she thought and she seemed to think that not wanting it all the time was a pretty normal thing.

I started writing down when I was in the mood and really looking at the bigger picture it didn't seem there was a problem. Perhaps you could also try getting your Husband to do more sensual stuff to you prior and maybe a warm up is what you need.

I'd try some changes in the bedroom first but if that doesn't work for sure see a Dr. and make sure all is okay. GL!

This sounds like excellent advice. Please don't read Dr. Laura.

momtoRaegan041008 · September 2010

I am the same way, so you're not alone. BCP give me zero sex drive and after having a baby it took me a long time to want to have sex again, nonetheless have sex that didn't hurt or feel uncomfortable. We have gone months without having sex while on BCP. Now that I'm off the pill, I have a little desire for it. I don't chart, so it makes it a little more fun to "try" every month. I guess try and make it fun again. Do new positions or wear an outfit that really makes you feel good about yourself. I find that a good bra and panties and a hot looking outfit make me feel more attractive and make me want to have sex and feel like a teenager again, well somewhat. I would suggest trying not to think and worry so much about TTC, unless you have been trying for over a year. TTC should be fun and not so, okay, I'm ovulating, you got 5 days, let's go! KWIM? It also puts pressure on your hubby.

btaylor19 · September 2010

Have you been do a doctor about it? The libido decrease could very well be something physical, such as a hormone imbalance. My husband and I have similar issues. Sex has always been painful for me, so I never enjoy it. Even the fact that you are seeking help might show your husband that you miss it, that it is not him, and that you are doing what you can.

alison2379 · September 2010

In addition to what PP said about talking it out with your doctor, could you maybe find ways on your own to find out what turns you on. A vibrator, if you don't have one already, might be a good place to start. You may already have explored that option, but I really do feel that your married sex life can improve if your individual sex life is developing, or developed.

Meanwhile, good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Oh, and one more piece of advice, which may not be helpful, but here goes. I go through peaks and valleys of sexual desire, and when I just give DH a blow job, he is the happiest man on earth. Doesn't take too long, you get all the credit and don't feel any of the pressure. It might just be a small shift in your sex life that would make you feel less on the spot, and him feel satsifed.

Billysun · September 2010

Have you thought about having a hormone test done? That could definitely be putting a damper on your sex life.

I really hope things improve for you. I think you should seek some medical advice and find out if there's something going on with your body.

You sound like you're really beating yourself up about this and I think you need to stop doing that.Your DH may just feel frustrated because he doesn't know what to do for you or how to make the situation better.

Perhaps, together, you can both be proactive in finding ways to solve the problem. Fighting about it or feeling like a failure will only put more stress on you both.

catahoulatte · September 2010

MrsPBNJ0220:

I would suggest you speak with your Dr. there could be something going on medically that is preventing you from getting aroused. I can tell you though I used to be the same way and I am kind of now also. I ended up asking my sister what she thought and she seemed to think that not wanting it all the time was a pretty normal thing.

I started writing down when I was in the mood and really looking at the bigger picture it didn't seem there was a problem. Perhaps you could also try getting your Husband to do more sensual stuff to you prior and maybe a warm up is what you need.

I'd try some changes in the bedroom first but if that doesn't work for sure see a Dr. and make sure all is okay. GL!

ETA: Like PP said, try that book. I haven't read the book but I have read plenty of other things and I have learned to give all that I've got just for him. If him straying is a concern to you.

I agree with both of these PPs, though I have not read the book. My libido was pretty wacked out on BCP, luckily, I feel like it is coming back. I would try the bedroom stuff, I know that when DH rubs my back and all that stuff, even when he isn't trying to, it works wonders. I hope there are some options out there, between the book and the Dr.s office, that make you enjoy sex again GL!!

Billysun · September 2010

Pinkwoman:
Read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." She has a pretty old fashioned way of looking at things, but her insight about the needs of men is pretty right on (although she has some pretty empowering things to say about being a woman too!). She makes some good sense about the importance of sex in a marriage and why to do it even when you don't "feel like it."

I also read her "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". It really sparked something in me that is encouraging me to be a better and more involved partner.

I really disagree with this. I feel like that "husband pleasing" sort of thinking is very 1950s.

If she doesn't feel like it the odd time... that's one thing. But she physically and mentally doesn't feel like she can perform and that's an issue both she and her husband should care about. She shouldn't put her sexual problems aside to ensure her partner has all his needs fulfilled when she's feeling very unsatisfied.

Pinkwoman · September 2010

Billysun:
Pinkwoman:

Read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." She has a pretty old fashioned way of looking at things, but her insight about the needs of men is pretty right on (although she has some pretty empowering things to say about being a woman too!). She makes some good sense about the importance of sex in a marriage and why to do it even when you don't "feel like it."

I also read her "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". It really sparked something in me that is encouraging me to be a better and more involved partner.

I really disagree with this. I feel like that "husband pleasing" sort of thinking is very 1950s.

If she doesn't feel like it the odd time... that's one thing. But she physically and mentally doesn't feel like she can perform and that's an issue both she and her husband should care about. She shouldn't put her sexual problems aside to ensure her partner has all his needs fulfilled when she's feeling very unsatisfied.

While I don't agree with EVERYTHING Dr. Laura says, her main point is to recognize all of the sacrifices your husband makes for you, and then try to find out what is important to him and try to make him happy. And in return, he will "slay dragons" for you and make you happy!!!

My husband's sacrifices for me:

1. He worked 2-3 jobs BEFORE we were married so that I could finish my graduate degree without having to work.

2. He continues to work his butt off to support us while I stumble in the world of part-time substitute teaching.

3. He cleans the house and makes me dinner, and then meets me at the door with a kiss when I work late.

4. He shows up home with chocolates and a card for no other reason than to say he loves me!

5. He brings me home "Happy Fall" flowers.

***If he is feeling romantic, and I'm not in the mood, I will sacrifice. Because I love him, and I know it is important to show him in the ways that he needs

As far as the OP, it kind of sounds like she might need to talk to a doctor, but this was just my quick solution in the meantime

Birdies08 · September 2010

Billysun:
I really disagree with this. I feel like that "husband pleasing" sort of thinking is very 1950s.
If she doesn't feel like it the odd time... that's one thing. But she physically and mentally doesn't feel like she can perform and that's an issue both she and her husband should care about. She shouldn't put her sexual problems aside to ensure her partner has all his needs fulfilled when she's feeling very unsatisfied.

Yes Her problem isn't that she doesn't appreciate her husband. It's that she's feeling a lack of sexual desire/arousal. I'm sure the OP loves and appreciates her husband very much. She's already worried she's not meeting his needs, but she needs to figure out how she can be an active and satisfied participant in their sex life. Dr. Laura's not going to help her do that. A real doctor might.

OP- I wish you and YH the best of luck figuring this out. I think a PP suggested this, but maybe you two could take part in some sensual activities, if sexual ones are not as appealing? Massage, hot bath, feeding each other, etc. Not as a way to lead into sex, but as a way to enjoy intimate time together, if sexual intimacy isn't enjoyable or desirable right now. Good luck.

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