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Northern California Babies
thinking about not going back to work
I always thought that I would never want to be a stay at home mom. I mean, for the most part, I don't like kids. But I realize that it's just stranger's kids that I don't like - I love the kids of my friends and relatives. I always thought I would go back to work, get a nanny, and that would be that.
But now, the more I think about it, the more I don't want to go back to work. Not ever, I mean, but just for a few years while the kid(s) are small. We can live on just my husband's income, although we would obviously have to reign in the spending.
I know that millions of women go back to work full time, come home and are great moms. But I am just so afraid of being tired all the time, and just being a bad mom for the time that I am with my kid. I guess I just don't want to work all day, and then come home and have a second full time job. I guess I just don't believe that you CAN have it all (not without some major sleep deprivation and crankiness).
Is the mommy guilt kicking in already? What are other people's thoughts?
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Re: thinking about not going back to work
For me, this question was best answered after I had my daughter (have you had your baby yet? I can't tell). I thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom, cried over it many, many times, but after she was born it was clear that for the sake of me, it was best that I worked outside the home. I love my career and missed it while I was at home. Obviously, this is not the answer for everyone! My advice is to be kind on yourself. See how it goes and then make the decision that works best for you.
That said, I know I made the right decision for me, but a lot of days I feel like sh*t b/c I feel like I don't have time for everyone and everything. It's hard, but that is life.
We both work and DS is in day care.(DH isn't comfortable with the financial aspect of me not working).
For us, it has to be a team effort. It can't be both of us working and then we get home and I do everything else while DH sits on the couch watching TV. We get home, DH feeds DS while I start dinner. Then I give DS his bath and we all play a bit before our dinner is ready and DS goes to sleep (he goes to sleep between 6:30-7:30 these days), then DH does the dishes.
At night, we switch off. This week if DS wakes up in the middle of the night, I get up with him M/W/F/sun, and DH gets Tu/Th/Sat. Next week we'll switch that. I get to sleep in Saturday mornings and DH gets to sleep in Sunday mornings. This way it isn't one of us constantly being tired and getting up every night.
In the morning, we both get up at the same time. DH feeds/dresses DS while I take a shower and get us ready to go. DS and I leave around 7:15 and DH can do whatever he wants before he leaves around 7:45-8.
I do sometimes feel guilty that I'm not at home with DS all day, but he does fine at daycare and the financial aspect of the situation is much better for us.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a SAHM. I really thought I wanted to stay home, but after maternity leave, I was kind of ready to go back to work.
for me being a sahm was never an option. h is self employed and we NEED my paycheck but also at an early age, i saw what being a sahm can do a marriage and it wasn't pretty (my parents are quite happily divorced and happily remarried to other people but for 15 years while my mom was a sahm, us kids were her WORLD and she and my dad drifted apart).
i work ft, i have a 90 mins commute ... i figure out how to get things done in the shortest amt of time possible. if i can do it online, i do. it's all about prioritizing things. the way i look at, i've got a FT job (the one that pays) and a PT time one (the house and dd). you also have to learn to let things go - the house will NEVER be spotless company clean 100% of the time, you might resort to take out if it's been a LONG day, you learn to do laundry while watching tv or switch out loads while something's cooking on the stove and the lo is in their high chair w/ their dinner. essentially, you just LEARN to make it work.
i joke that even if we win the lottery, i STILL won't quit my job and be a sahm. nope .. i might go back to school and get my teaching credential and be blissfully content teaching kindergarten OR go back finish my law degree (no loans !!!) and work somewhere of counsel but the bottom line is that i'd STILL work, because i wanted to, not b/c i HAD to.
I've been a SAHM for two years now and while it certainly has its challenging days and moments, I am confident it was the right choice for us. Like you mentioned, I'll go back to work eventually when he's older but being able to be with him all the time during his first few years was important to me. That was the main reason for our decision.
Another big reason was what you mentioned - I don't know that I have it in me to juggle work, the house, the kid, etc. I am in awe of my working mom friends who make things happen everyday at work, come home to care and nurture their children, get dinner on the table, and manage to do it all with grace. We chose to live without the extras (we're lucky that we can live off DH's salary right now) and I stay home to do the grocery shopping, pick up the dry cleaning and keep our family running. I really appreciate the pace of our lives. It works for us and keeps us happy.
Both choices have major upsides and big challenges. I think the key is to be on the same page with your husband and make the best choice you can after you've thought about the needs of everyone in your family (including yourself!) Good luck!
Obviously you should do what feels right for you and your family. But I have to say I don't feel like I come home to a 2nd full time job. I look forward to coming home to my family, spending time with them playing and making the most of time before bed. For me, working outside the home gives me a balance I need, and I'm a better mom when I'm working. I make the most of the time we have during the week, whereas when I'm home full time, I'm more likely to lose my patience and not enjoy the time or make as much of an effort to sit and play make believe with my two year old.
Everyone is different, everyone's situation is unique. I would just say don't make a decision based on guilt, make it on what you really want.Those I know who stayed home because they felt like they should and not because they truly wanted to were not happy, and neither were their kiddos.
I have been a SAHM for 4 short although sometimes very loooong months. I was very lucky to take a 6month maternity leave with DS. I went back to work and really did love having the work/life balance. i worked 3 eight hour days per week and it was really nice. However, I often thought about staying at home full time, especially with DH's job being so demanding and me taking on 100% of the household. My job started getting crazy busy and so did DH's. I had to go full time, and started to panic. So we decided I would quit and be a SAHM.
I'm not going to lie, there have been some really really rough days. Especially in the beginning, I had visions of begging for my job back. I was really depressed and felt like I had lost my identity.
I still have days that are rough, but I have stopped dreaming about going back to work. I am truly enjoying being a SAHM, I love this time with my son. He is at such a fun age right now!
I have to say the one thing that has really turned around my feelings of staying at home has been daycare. We don't have family in the area, and I just never felt like I got a break. For the last month DS has been attending daycare 1x per week. It really makes it a great balance because I can have a little me time and I know hes having fun.
Anyway, good luck with your decesion!