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Babies on the Brain
Feeling a little depressed...
Hey girls,
I don't feel like I can confide in any of my close friends as they just wouldn't understand, so I'm turning to you just for someone to listen and even give advice if you have any.
I made a deal with my DH to get a better job and pay off my debt and then we would be able to have a baby sooner than we initially planned. Then, out of nowhere, my DH tells me that he's not ready and we should stick to the original plan, even though he agreed to my deal. I can understand him not being ready, but I realize that I've been feeling a little depressed lately, 'cause he got my hopes up and then dashed them out of the blue.
I find myself spending all my free time in front of the TV and I'm not interested in doing anything else. I used to spend my time reading up on conception, being pregnant, giving birth and babies in general. But now I can't do any of that because our timeline's been changed and it just hurts too much to think about babies when I still have to wait. Sometimes when I'm tired after a long day or when DH and I spend a lazy Saturday at home, I feel that we're lucky to be able to do that without having to worry about kids. But then I see a pregnant woman when I go shopping or some character on one of my TV shows falls pregnant and my heart kind of stops beating for a moment and I'm overcome by this sudden sad feeling. I've packed away all my baby-related books that I've already bought, because looking at them on the bookshelf just makes me want to cry. I have a very strong feeling of wanting to be a mother and no matter how hard I try not to think of babies, inevitably they pop into my mind and I start feeling depressed all over again.
Then there's also the worry that if we eventually decide to conceive, if I will be able to fall pregnant or not. And to top it all off, my cousin who's younger than me and got married after me is already about 13 weeks pregnant. I try to feel happy for her, but all I feel is sadness and jealousy.
I just need someone to tell me if all of these things I'm feeling are normal. And what can I do not to feel so sad and empty inside?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling a little depressed...
How do you do this?
I'm guessing that's a cultural language difference- OP is from South Africa.
OP- If you are that depressed about not being able to TTC, please talk to someone. TTC is a roller coaster that can take months or years and I can't imagine how upset you'll be if you have T-TTC.
Do you think everyone uses the same terms in every country. She lives in South Africa. Think before you attempt snark.
I was ready to have children way before my DH was ready. I've waited for 2 years, actually. We finally are planning to start trying at the end of this year (we have some final financial goals we want to hit before trying).
My best advice to you is to take up some kind of hobby. I've started sewing, redecorating our home, set physical goals for myself (i.e., weight loss, better eating habits, etc.), learned to cook new foods, among other things. Learn to distract yourself. Your life doesn't need to revolve around babies, trying to have babies, baby things, etc. You need to have room for other things/interests, even once you are in the process of starting a family.
Take the time to enjoy your DH right now. Get outside and do fun things you might not have done together in a while.
I'd also say don't borrow trouble. Don't worry about the possibility of IF until you've been TTCing for at least a year (unless you have current medical issues that could cause IF, of course).
By the way, I think it's okay to be sad for a little bit -- it's normal to feel that way. But don't let it take over.
This is that thing where you trip and fall on a penis.
Oh please, you know damn good and well that if one of the "regs" pointed that out and "attempted" some snark at it, you wouldn't have said jack shiit.
LOL, good girl!!! I've heard that term plenty of times before. Don't let who ever that is get to you.
Waiting sucks, but you'll survive. Ditto staying away from the baby books and sites, though. It just makes it worse. Is there a volunteer organization that you can get involved with that works with older kids? It may help you get some of that kid craving satisfied, but you won't work with babies which would probably be harder. Does that make sense?
Ditto everyone who said to take up some hobbies. Spend some time with your husband doing the things that will become much harder to do with a baby. Take some cool trips, learn to sew, learn to cook, etc.
If you try that and your sadness persists, you may want to talk to someone professional. GL.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
Ummm, actually I would and I have before. I've mainly done it with names, but I have little tolerance for cultural ignorance.
this. I don't see anything flameworthy in the OP - I am sure this situation would upset most of us. I'm sorry you're going through this - I think maybe talking with your DH more about his feelings & why might help too. You need to both truly understand each other's feelings on this.
GL.
OP, don't worry about it. Usually getting pregnant, but I know the term falling pregnant. Simple semantics. Your focus right now should be on helping yourself. Think of it this way: are you the kind of person that you want to be later in life, after kids? During kids? Are you unhappy and just thinking a baby will bring fulfillment to your life? If there are other issues, work on those. It's wrong to have a baby just to give it a job(making you happy/saving your marriage/give you fulfillment). Work on YOU and your marriage.
You don't want to wake up one day and realize you're nothing but a person who popped out a few kids. You should strive to be a happy person for yourself who can one day teach her children how to be happy without having to define their worth by when they can have kids. Set some personal goals for yourself and limit the time you spend looking at anything baby related online. Like I said, what you've mentioned is normal. But not to the degree you've let it affect you.
100% this. It will go by faster than you think.
Thank you for the good advice and for some of you sticking up for me ;-)
I really appreciate being able to talk to someone, anyone about how I feel. I must say that I'm feeling a bit better and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm definitely going to take your advice to heart and start living life again to the fullest.
I somewhat get where you are coming from. I didn't get my time-line pushed back, but I was ready before DH. We had goals we wanted to reach before having children, and while it made perfect since to reach those goals first, it doesn't make it any easier.
I came to terms with the fact that while my DH wasn't calling ALL the shots, I wanted us to both be fully on board and didn't want to push him into something he wasn't ready for. One day after work he said " I was mowing the lawn and looking at our house and I think we should start trying for a baby..." That was all I needed to be on board! Having him want it as much as me meant everything to me!
My advice is to enjoy not having children. Just have fun being spontaneous, not needing to find a last-minute sitter, and not having someone depend on you for everything for now! That's how I got through it and I'm glad I enjoyed those days so that I can fully embrace pregnancy now.
I lurk mostly and have not posted for long time. Wee would call out a reg or anyone who is culturally ignorant. She has in the past and will continue to do so as far as I can see.
Yes, this.
I can understand how you feel to some degree. It is not my husband who delayed us having a family though. I needed to finish my PhD and I finally did in May 2010 after 16 months of going through hell to get there. Now I am working on getting a postdoc job and working for a while to get used to the job and to have stable insurance and benefits.
I get depressed knowing that I am the one who meesed up my timeline as I could have done things differently. I always thought I would be pregnant or have had a child before 35 but hopefully we can start TTC around my 35 birthday, which is fine now. I needed to adjust my thinking and keep busy. Keeping busy will take the edge off. I bake and cook quite a bit (baking mostly). I find that challenging myself at baking takes my mind off all the "what ifs". An extra bonus is others are happy and if we have children, they can have awesome cakes and other desserts.
This is easier said than done but do not stress or worry as it does nothing for you in the end.
I am guessing no - if you are sitting home watching tv.
she said she did that in her free time, instead of reading baby books.
when I feel sad, I veg out in front of the TV, too. But that never leads you to feeling better. Instead, force yourself to take a walk. Talk to yourself along the way, even out loud if you need to. I find that doing so helps me process the universe.
GL!
what if you both agree to wait 4 or 6 months? have fun, go on mini trips, long drives-anything you wont be able to do once the baby comes. if you are both not 100% on board with the baby idea then you will be miserable while you are PG and he might even resent you for being PG. talk about having a baby and realistically what he wants to accomplish before you TTC.
if you are depressed now getting PG will make it even worse. hormones are crazy during pregnancy. trust me i know. although we were TTC i had major stress in my life (mostly work), then i got very ill and was hospitalized, physically got better. we decided to take a month or two off from TTC because i was depressed. we got pregnant that month. i was depressed for a lot of my pregnancy and i still struggle with it now. then i feel guilt for being sad when i have this wonderful beautiful baby boy in my arms, but i cant help it. im like you that i have no one to talk to about it. you are not alone in this.
I am still curious if she found a better job and paid off the debt.
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
I finally got a better job after looking for six months. It's what I've studied and what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am also in the process of paying off my debt, but it should be paid up in a couple of months. It's only about $3500 but I'm working on it.
I don't think DH isn't ready for kids. I think he's worried about money and giving our children everything they need and deserve. We make a good living, but he's a bit of a workaholic and he always just worries about making more and more money. The people I know who have had kids all tell me that it's not necessary to make a huge amount of money to have children. They say that you adapt your lifestyle automatically, like for example, cutting out take-aways to pay for formula milk, etc. So, I'm just hoping that at some stage he'll realize that he doesn't have to be a millionaire to make me happy or to have kids.