Am I in the wrong?....(sorta long)

doremi29 · September 2010

This is a finance based question so let me preface this by saying that my husband and I live a fairly modest lifestyle. We both need to work to be able to afford what we have, but we also have extra for fun stuff and we're working to build our savings back up. We have no credit card debt- actually the only "debt" that we have is equity based like our house. DH and I make about the same and we have our money in a joint account where all bills and other spending is taken from.

Okay, on to our little debate- DH and I have been having some fairly heated "discussions" lately. He's been working tons of overtime which doesn't put him home until 7:30pm. It is completely voluntary- he could turn it down anytime with no issue however he would almost NEVER turn it down- he feels if the overtime is there he needs to take it. He makes pretty good money when he works overtime, but in turn, DS doesn't get to see him except for about 15 minutes before his bedtime routine begins (that I usually do because DH is just getting in the house and hasn't eaten). Our issue is that DH feels that since he's working extra, the money should be his and his alone. It should not go to the family finances and he should have full control over what he does with the money. While I see it completely the opposite, we originally agreed that we would split the money 50/50- he would take half and put it in a seperate savings for "fun money" for him to use at his discretion and the other half would go to our family checking or savings. Well, now he's not liking our arrangement. He's starting to feel like he should get it all. This all came after he discussed our arrangement with the guys at his work and found that most of them claimed to have completely seperate finances from their wives. When he uses this as a basis for his "side of the debate", I let him know that I have never met these guys and really don't care how they work their finances with their wives.

Okay, so bottom line- am I in the wrong for expecting that DS and I get something out of this overtime money? I am not asking for a cut of it to use for myself and whatever I want. I'm just feeling like DS barely sees him during the week and I'm am on my own with him until DH gets home. I think because of that, some of the money should go to help the family or allow us to do more family activities. WDYT?

TIA

MWoodside · September 2010

I think what his friends & their wives do is completely irrelevant. Every household has their own arrangement. That said, maybe a compromise is in order like 60/40 with him getting 60. DH getting 100% of his OT money for "fun" money would never fly in our house. But same goes for the substantial bonus I get every Dec. We put that toward something joint as well.

Another idea, maybe some of the extra money could be put toward something for the house/family, but an item that your H really wants. For example a nice TV or a house project that means more to him.

MermaidNM · September 2010

I agree that there is nothing wrong with him getting some of the money to spend as he feels fit, but what is his is yours and I think the majority of the money should go into the family pot especially with a new baby. It is the attitude that 'this is mine and I shouldn't have to share' that really would bother me. As someone who's husband was out of work for 11 months last year, I know for a fact that that attitude can break up a marriage in times of hardship.

sucrets4 · September 2010

MWoodside:
I think what his friends & their wives do is completely irrelevant.

This.

But it also depends on how much it is and what he wants to spend it on. Beer and video games? Not cool, imho. 'boy' investments for the house? More acceptable to me.

However, I also think it's crappy that he's going back on a joint decision and won't consider not taking the overtime.

lil_rhody · September 2010

What does he want the money for? DH and I used to have separate accounts, but it just became too confusing. Now we pool our money and just discuss any new purchases. I guess it helps that we have a similar philosophy towards money. IMO, it's not "his" money, it's money for the household.

jlthompson19 · September 2010

You are completely right here.

DH sometimes works side jobs for extra money and we have the agreement that he gets 50% for his fun money and the rest goes towards savings.

DH's coworkers sometimes give him a hard time b/c I'm pretty much 100% in control of the finances, but he tells them he likes it that way b/c he knows that if he were in charge, we would not have the nice house, the decent cars and no consumer debt to show for it.

ASmallWonder · September 2010

Yeah, I'd have issues with this. For starters, you and your DS are being made to sacrifice family time so that your DH can work this OT. For him to get all the benefit is unfair. I think it's perfectly fair for him to get SOME of the money. But IMO extra money like this should be put aside for something family/house related, like a trip to Disney in the future or something. I agree with what another poster said - if he wants to buy something with some of the money, that's ok but I wouldn't be ok with him just blowing it every single week on nothing.

Starfish113 · September 2010

My DH has been working a ton of overtime as well. Most of it has been going towards bills because I didn't get paid for 2 months this summer because of maternity leave, and we're almost out of the hole. However, what extra we do have, goes to DD. Last weekend we spent extra money on fall clothes for her.

I think sharing it is fair. Yes, he is doing the work, but I think you both deserve to use the money. I coach sailing every spring, and when I get my stipend, DH and I always split it. This year, it will probably go to DD too! We also have a joint account, and we treat it like it is both of our money, no matter who is bringing in more.

Ciconrad · September 2010

Tell him if he wants all of it you'll be getting a babysitter while he works overtime and he can pay for it with his OT money and have what's left. Not that I think you should actually do that put it points out that it's not like you are at the spa while he's working overtime. I assume you are taking care of your child, doing household responsibilities and cooking the dinne he's eating while you are doing the bedtime routine.

I don't really get separate accounts for play money because DH and I are both involved in our finances and we both are on the same page so if I want a manicure or he wants to go golf, we know it's because we both feel it's financially appropriate. But whatever...if small separate accounts work for some people, great. But IMO it should be more like we each get $200 (or whatever you can afford) a month. You can go to the spa once a month or save it all year and buy a flat screen TV....whatever your priority is. A marriage is a partnership (particularly when you have children) and if one person is working a lot, the other person is probably doing more of the childcare/house responsibilities. Both are work and just because someone is actually at a job making the money doesn't mean they are working harder and entitled to more of the financial rewards.

BottomStar · September 2010

IMO, he needs to see that you both "worked" for that money. In order for him to work overtime hours, you've had to take on extra duties at home. I travel a lot for work and get paid extra when I do so. This means that DH has to take care of things at home while I'm gone. What usually happens is that I take some of the money and get HIM something special as a thank you, with the rest going in the joint account. Last time I had to go away for 6 weeks, I bought him a fancy schmancy grill when I got back (of course, I benefit too because he cooks for me!). I know that our marriage would NOT work with a "his and hers" philosophy.

two-pink-shoes · September 2010

Uh, how much do you get paid for taking care of your DS in the evening? I quite frankly don't think any of it should be just his unless you get "just yours" too.

Ciconrad · September 2010

two-pink-shoes:
Uh, how much do you get paid for taking care of your DS in the evening? I quite frankly don't think any of it should be just his unless you get "just yours" too.

Yes Instead of telling him you'll get a babysitter like I previously suggested, the better idea is to tell him you'll send him a bill for your babysitting, housecleaning and personal chef services while he's working overtime. $15/hour should be a fair rate. See if he wants to stick with the original agreement then.

pinkcallalily · September 2010

Personally I don't think any of the money should just be for him. If he wants something for himself and it's in the budget he should be able to get it, but not because he worked overtime. Does this mean that because you don't have the opportunity to work overtime you never get money to spend on you? I paid for everything while my husband was in law school and not working, it would have been ridiculous if I hadn't let him have anything because he wasn't making any money. And now that he's an attorney and making more than me it would be really unfair for him to decide that all of that money is his when I supported him for so long. We have one account and we discuss any purchases over $50 before we buy. I just don't get how he can think it's fair for him to have fun money and you don't get any because you were taking care of your child.

doremi29 · September 2010

To answer the questions about what does he want to use the money for- so far he's bought a new gun (hunting) and some video games, so yes, it's total "boy stuff". I completely agree with the fact that if he's out working OT, that means that I'm taking on extra responsibilities that we would usually share, but he just can't seem to get how responsibilities equate to part of his earnings going to our money. Oh- and he keeps acting like the 50% that he's not putting directly into his account his going to ME when in reality it's going to US.

I think I'm going to suggest the idea that 50% of the money go to a seperate "family" account. Not for savings or spending, but specifically for family activiites- like a vacation fund.

This whole thing has really upset me because we've always been on the same page financially. The other reason that it bothers me is that I work a salary job so even if I work beyond my 40 hours- which I do all the time, I don't get anymore money so the roles will never be reversed. I do plan to point out to him (as someone else mentioned) that playing the "your money, my money" game could really hurt him down the road because he works for GE and they have sudden layoffs all the time- he could honestly get cut without any notice....I doubt he'd want to play what's mine is mine at that point!!

BelhurstBride · September 2010

You guys are husband and wife, not roommates. IMHO you shouldn't be splitting things. The money goes into the pot to be decided together what it needs to be used for. Paying off your mortgage, 529 plan for LO, retirement, paying off whatever debt you have, ect.

While your husband is working that overtime, that leaves you the sole caretaker to your child and your home. It's not like you're home hanging out watching TV. You're essentially working overtime as well.

Granted I'm a SAHM now and only work part time coaching swimming, but even when I was working FT we handled our finances the same. All of our money is deposited into one checking account. All bills are paid out of that checking account. We each get $100 a month of no questions asked spending money and have our own savings accounts for that and money that's given to us for our birthdays or whatever. Every other penny spent fits into a budget that we've agreed upon. Our only debt is our mortgage and student loans- we pay cash for everything else, including our new Pilot. Some find our way of doing things anal, but we haven't fought over money in years.

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Am I in the wrong?....(sorta long)

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