Upset :(

tlalli7106 · September 2010

More like devistated is the word....I'm sorry to vent on here but I really have no one (family or friends) that I feel comfortable telling this to. As you can see my last post was on how I was sooo thrilled that yesterday was my very last BC pill after 9 years! DH and I had finally decided it was time to start TTC. Well DH and I just had a huge blow out that he has been doing some thinking and since he is deploying again in the spring that we should "hold off" until he gets back home. He said that it really hit him hard after talking to a few of his guy buddies that missed being home with their wives while pregnant or missed their LO's births that he wants to be home for the entire 9 months of pregnancy and the birth, he doesn't want to miss ANY of it. I told him that if we were to get pregnant in the next few months he could still possibly be home for the last couple months and the birth and what is so terribly wrong with that??? I told him with the military it's going to be hard to "plan" anything really because he deploys almost every year and who knows how long it would take us to get a BFP since I have been on the pill for so long. Part of me understands where he is coming from, I would love for him to be home for every part of it, but the other part of me knows that in the military it is inevitable that he is going to miss something sooner or later. He basically said his mind is made up and I am such a wreck...crying for the past four hours I can hardly see the computer screen my eyes are so puffy. I can't call family or friends becuase no one knew we were going to start TTC anyways. Sorry for such a long post, but am I selfish for thinking this way?

jamie.renee · September 2010

You two will have to decide what works best for your family together but I will tell you what we did.

When my husband was deployed the first time I had my IUD taken out so we could TTC our third as soon as he came back. Six months later I was not pregnant yet and we knew he would deploying again in another 6 months. We talked about holding off so he would be there but we decided to go ahead and keep trying and if it happened it happened. I got my BFP the first week of October (I think) and he deployed the beginning of December. Of course we were upset that he was not with me but we had to do what was best for our family. My second daughter was already 4 and we didn't want a huge age gap so holding off to TTC another full year is not what I wanted to do, neither did my husband. The way the Army is it's like they will always miss out on something. If I would have gotten pregnant when we first started trying he would have missed a ton of huge milestones (first steps, foods, words, 1st birthday etc). He came home from the deployment when she was 6 months old. He was able to be around for all of those milestones and it's great. She didn't have any fear of him when she came back. When he was in basic/AIT my second was a little over a year old and she was scared of him when he was home again. Give it some time and sit down and talk about it together when you guys have clear heads and are not upset about it. No one can say you are selfish for feeling that way just like it isn't selfish of your husband to feel the way he does, kwim?

tlalli7106 · September 2010

Exactly, I know his intentions are good and now that I've had a few hours to cool down I know that neither one of us are being selfish. I guess it was just my reaction after the initial shock of hearing him say that after I thought we were on the same page. After all this doesn't mean that we don't want a baby any less, I mean people can change their minds. Thanks again for your advice and support. It's always refreshing to know that someone is/was in your situation before. Thanks again!

iowagirl73 · September 2010

I'm sorry he is not open to hearing anything at the moment and that he is letting whatever his friends told him make up his mind for him. I can tell you this from personal experience....I'd rather have him deployed while pregnant then deployed during the first few months. During the vast majority of pg appointments there is really not anything important he needs to be there for. Other then hearing the heartbeat for the first time and the anatomy u/s (around 21wk), I didn't want nor need my DH to be there for those 15min appointments. I've had it both ways. DH around the entire pg and birth and then gone a month after the one was born. DH gone most of the 2nd pg (there for the birth though), and then here for the first few months and currently gone.

He really needs to understand that in the military you don't really get it how you want it unless you are lucky. Because at SOME point, something or things will be missed.

ckandi007 · September 2010

Ultimately, it's a decision that you guys will have to agree to and decide on together. For DH and I, he was deployed every other year from 2004 until 2010 so we put off trying for any kids because he wanted to be there for every moment--from the time I got the positive sign, first ultrasound, first heartbeat, you name it. Now, he's in a masters program which will guarantee him to be stateside for a few years so we've decided that now is the best time. I can honestly say I am SO glad we waited because even though I'm only 17 weeks along, he's already see so many changes already. He's been able to come with me to all my dr appointments and see the ultrasound--seeing the baby who was just a blob who now looks like a baby. We recently found out we're having a boy so he's even more excited!

On the other hand, I know a lot of people who did not want to wait and have gone through a majority if their pregnancies with their husbands deployed. A friend of mine has had her husband miss both births of his children. It's hard, but not impossible and it was what they chose to do. You can't always plans your life around the military's schedule so some people just take a leap of faith and it works out. It will probably be a bit harder because you won't have your other half physically with you, but as long as you have a strong will and support from friends and family, you will be just fine.

CCCSLP1 · September 2010

I'm so sorry you are going through this tough situation, but I think you need to step back and give it some time. These decisions weren't meant to be made overnight and hopefully your DH will be more open minded given some time.

I think it is really sweet that your DH has already put some thought in to wanting to be there for you while you are pregnant and for the birth. That is sweet that he has listened to what other men have said and thought about what he wants. That being said, your DH is ignoring the fact that if he deploys every couple of years (which most active duty ppl do these days) it is going to be very difficult to time things perfectly. What would he rather miss, the pregnancy or the milestones that occur during the baby's first couple of years?

My DH is going to deploy less than 3 weeks after our LO's due date and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I am thankful he is here now, but in a way I'd rather he be gone for the pregnancy than for our LO's entire first year of life.

HappyMommy28 · September 2010

It's up to you guys on what to do - but keep in mind you may not get pregnant right away. I was on the pill as well for 9 years. i got off last October and was pregnant 4 months later. And I agree with PP - IMO, your DH would benefit more if he was home with the baby rather than the pregnancy. My DH missed almost all of mine but will be here for the birth and a little while afterwords.

Upset :(

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