Had breakdown last night (long)

emmyloustu · September 2010

Let me start by saying that I LOVE being a mom. Generally speaking, I am happier than I ever have been in my life. I am blessed with a happy, easy going baby and I have a ball with her. She makes me laugh and smile 10,0000 times per day. It really does get better and better everyday.

The problem is I am not happy with ME. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. I HATE the way I look right now. IF and weight gain went hand in hand for me. I only gained around 20lbs while pregnant and felt so great. I lost it all plus an extra 10 within the first few weeks, but it has all been downhill since and I have gained it all back and am the heaviest I have ever been in my life.

I think on some level I thought that once I had 'beat IF" (at least temporarily) and became a mom, my weight issues would disappear. Silly, I know, but now that I am going the opposite direction it has really rocked my world. I also thought BFing was going to be some kind of wonder weight loss cure. Ridiculous, right??? Our eating has been totally out of control for months now. No limits, no thought, just a free frawl. Dh has put on weight too, but he is far from overweight.

I have no clothes that fit me right and I feel so frumpy and fat all the time. In turn, this is holding me back from meeting new people, joining mom groups etc...and I am lonely.

We moved back to NY to be near family and that part has been wonderful, but it has been hard to reconnect with old friends and impossible to make new friends.

I feel like I never have any personal time and though I love being a SAHM, I do envy the fact that Dh gets to walk out the door scott free every morning and go to work. I get to Target and the grocery store and it is a big outing. I ran out by myself on Fri night to pick up dinner and I swear I just wanted to keep driving. It felt so good to be ALONE for a few minutes.

I can count on one hand the number of times in 9mo I have been out alone or done something for myself. Same can be said for couple time with Dh. We still really aren't having sex and I know that is hard on him.

I am still nursing and E is still waking once or twice a night. She won't go down for Dh or my mom so date night or girl's night is kind of out of the question right now. She is going through a major separation anxiety thing, especially at bed time.

In addition, (as if that isn't enough) my house is a mess ALL.THE.TIME and I am having a tough time with that. Now that E is mobile, if she is awake, I am entertaining her/down on the floor the whole time. When she is napping, I am catching up on the basics (dishes, bills, internet) etc...and the big stuff never gets done. The place we are renting is small - space and storage is an issue. I think the messy house kind of goes hand in hand with my poor self image right now too.

Last night, I just lost it. I cried and cried! Crying Dh was awesome and said he thought something was up and that I hadn't been myself for a few days and we are going to try to be better with the house, couple time and healthy lifestyle. But it all feels sooooo overwhelming right now. We probably need a concrete plan.

Anyway, not sure the point...I guess, just to vent some more and get some advice from the best mommies and smartest women I know. So, if you are still reading, THANK YOU!!! I appreciate you girls so much!

SeaSoul · September 2010

Oh, you poor thing. I can relate to a lot of this, so I know how you feel on many levels. I guess all we can do is acknowledge what we are unhappy with, and work on improvements that will hopefully change these things in the long run.

It's great that you got it out and had a heart-to-heart with your DH, and have a plan of action! I hope very soon you'll be feeling much better!

HUGS.

GypsyEsq · September 2010

Big hugs - I can so related. The weight issues, the nursing at night issues, the house is a mess issues. It can totally be overwhelming at times. Plus you've had family health crisis recently. All this can definitely add up. It's wonderful that your DH noticed and you both had a discussion about it. Sometimes just getting that out there can be all the impetus you need to start somewhere. Be kind to yourself and recognize you don't have to change everything all at once. Hang in there and know that you're not alone.

brideinOC · September 2010

Big hugs!! Although, I'm not a SAHM, I feel like I'm in the same boat as you. I have just started recently to get out and leave DH with Claire, and not because he ever offers. Wish he'd think of that one by himself!! DH has started coming in with me to put Claire down, so now she will "allow" him to put her down. It took many times, but it's worked. I just started to go to Zumba classes which are really fun. I look like an idiot, 'cause I got no rhythm, but I'm out of the house and doing something towards losing some weight. I also let Claire have some play by herself time. Sometimes the house takes a little longer to do because I keep checking on her, but more is getting done while she's awake. We're hear for you and many are in the same boat, my friend!

choco_lab · September 2010

Just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone. My DS is 19 months old and I have yet to lose my IF and preg weight. It really brings me down and makes me want to hide away from meeting other moms. I have gone to some play groups only to find stick skinny moms with newborns and I feel horrible about myself! Which I know is dumb.. everyone is different! But I feel so self concious about it that it really gives my self esteem a huge hit. I don't know the answers.. I wish I had "beat this" and could give you some advice. Communicating with your DH is really important. It's nice to know someone is on your side. Just hang in there and we'll all figure it out somehow.

Smudges*Mom · September 2010

Girl, it sucks, but you are not alone! I am a "victim" of the "If A, then B." logic statements (whoa flash back to high school math!). If we have a baby, then I will be happy. If we move, then I will be happy. If I lost weight, then I could buy new clothes that I like and that fit. If, if, if!! You have even through so much and living in a smaller rental, without all of your stuff and things not being as organized with a mobile baby is HARD!!! Trying to build a life is hard work too. Maintaining friendships takes time and effort--which is harder to find or make as a mom. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up. Make small positive steps and build on your successes. Start by making a healthy dinner. Organize one closet. You can do it. And, while you are doing it, remember that even though others appear to have it all together, they likely don't. We all struggle with at least certain aspects of life. Some people are either better at hiding it or don't want to share that part of their life (you know, the vulnerable, less than perfect part!). And, we are here for you!

Smudges*Mom · September 2010

One more thing, I struggle with my weight too. But, I got so darn tired of having NOTHING to wear that made me feel good. I got some money for my birthday and I used it to buy two, IMO, really cute and comfortable outfights. They are yoga class/SAHM outfights, and I love them. They make me feel better when I have to get dressed and face the world. I don't need a whole new wardrobe, though I would like one, simply having a few items that fit properly, at my current size, makes a big difference. I wear slouchy clothes around the house and save my cute clothes for when I have things to do.

ejgballerina · September 2010

I feel like I could've written this post 100%. Except for the SAHM part. I work 40+ hours a week and I can identify with every other thing you mentioned plus the guilt of not being able to spend more time with DS during the week.

I don't have any advice as I'm struggling too, but just wanted to say you're not alone. I feel guilty even wanting more "me" time since I'm away from DS 40 hours a week. I'm trying to devote an hour or two a week strictly to myself after DS goes to bed. Whether it's reading a book, working on my photography, watching a movie or show, taking a yoga class or taking the pups on a walk- I've solemnly vowed that I need to work on my relationship with myself and know that this focus should help other areas that need some work too. Hopefully. (((HUGS)))

cjsbdl · September 2010

Smudges*Mom:
And, while you are doing it, remember that even though others appear to have it all together, they likely don't. We all struggle with at least certain aspects of life. Some people are either better at hiding it or don't want to share that part of their life (you know, the vulnerable, less than perfect part!).

This! I know that in my case at least much of my discontentment comes from comparing myself to others. You don't mention this specifically, but I think it's something we probably all do as wives/mothers, at least to a certain extent.

If it makes you feel better I think we've all felt the way you do now at some point. Being a mom is hard work and it rarely turns out to be exactly like the picture we envisioned before we were parents.

I think you just have to take it one step at a time and remember that the first few years of baby's life are hard. It's a tough adjustment for everyone involved.

But I think it's a good idea to start small and work your way through things that are bothering you. My advice would be to start with having someone else do bedtime. My husband has been doing bedtime since Henry was about six months old and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I don't take advantage of it often, but when I want to I can get out to dinner with friends, etc, and it totally recharges me!

Good luck!

ladychicago · September 2010

(((HUG))) I can definitely relate to all of that... You are NOT alone. and I agree that a huge step forward is just identifying the issues. Because now that you've identified them, you can think of concrete baby steps to address the problems. Hang in there, honey.

oct11bride03 · September 2010

((HUGS)) Everyone else has had some good suggestions so I don't have much to add except to say I'm SO with you on hating how I look. I can't stand how fat I've become, especially when I used to be thin without even having to work at it. Ugh. Hang in there!

GypsyEsq · September 2010

cjsbdl:

But I think it's a good idea to start small and work your way through things that are bothering you. My advice would be to start with having someone else do bedtime. My husband has been doing bedtime since Henry was about six months old and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I don't take advantage of it often, but when I want to I can get out to dinner with friends, etc, and it totally recharges me!

Respectfully I don't know how this advice helps if emmylou's LO specifically seems to need her mama at bedtime as she said in her original post. I totally agree with the sentiment though of starting small but I just wanted to point out that not everyone's child will go to bed with someone else. Sometimes that just doesn't work, and/or it's not worth it to endure the crying.

My experience was that it took a while for DD to even be receptive to going to bed without me. Because she nursed to sleep. And I recognize that that is not everyone's choice but it is what we did, and as much as it made my skin crawl at times because I just didn't want to do it that particular night it was what DD needed to sleep. Now DD will go to sleep with me or DH, nursing to sleep or not, totally up to her. But it took a while. And it wasn't like we just decided "hey, Mom's going out, someone else can put you to sleep tonight," it was a definite process that involved me still nursing her but not "to sleep" and not in the nursery and then DH taking over the rest of bed time reading and rocking until he layed her in her crib.

Anyway, emmylou hang in there. I think we're all fundamentally saying the same thing. Find one thing, make small changes, be kind to yourself, be accepting of what you see (both internally and in the mirror) and give yourself a break. Motherhood ain't for sissies. It's hard work and we all struggle with so many of these issues. You are absolutely not alone.

Mrs.LisaP · September 2010

First off, we ALL have these moments. Being a mom and a SAHM is HARD WORK! It can take its toll on us, and you shouldnt feel bad for feeling the way you do. I totally understand and I think a lot of us can relate to what your feeling.

My advise, is to relly try to find someone to help with DD a few times a month so you can have some "me" time. Do you have someone you can trust to watch her a few hours so you can get a mani/pedi or jsut go out alone once and a while?

KYRN · September 2010

I hope you are feeling a little better after getting it out, I know I always do. I have a few pieces of advice. First, join a gym (if $ allows) with available childcare, I love doing classes, it gives a chance for interaction. It will do wonders for you to get a little 'me' time in and help with the weight issues. It will also give DD some interaction with someone other than you. If you can't join a gym then load DD up in the stroller and get out of the house for a walk. DH isn't working right now (he's in school) so I'm too cheap to pay for a gym. I've never enjoyed running but decided to take it up. 30-60mins alone with my iPod is like heaven. Even if you can't make it very far at first your endurance will build. All my friends rave about weight watchers and have had really great success with it.

Second, make a menu for the week. If I don't make a plan we end up eating crappy food or going out. Side dishes and main dishes, and go to the store so that you have everything, even plan which nights you might want to go out. I find a lot of easy recipes on kraftfood.com. This is the perfect time of year to start using a crock pot, there are so many great fall recipes to make. I buy the liners so there's really minimal/no clean up, except maybe knife and cutting board. And it doesn't take a lot of time out of my day. I used to only run the dishwasher when it was FULL. Now I run it every night, or every other at the most. I put any/everything I can into it, start it at night and empty in the morning while DS is eating breakfast.

I also agree with the PP that said her DH does bedtime together with her. DH and I still do this, we try to both give him his bath and get his PJ's on, that way there if one of us isn't available the routine is basically the same. It's also nice family time for us to talk and interact with DS together.

emmyloustu · September 2010

GypsyEsq:
cjsbdl:

But I think it's a good idea to start small and work your way through things that are bothering you. My advice would be to start with having someone else do bedtime. My husband has been doing bedtime since Henry was about six months old and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I don't take advantage of it often, but when I want to I can get out to dinner with friends, etc, and it totally recharges me!

Respectfully I don't know how this advice helps if emmylou's LO specifically seems to need her mama at bedtime as she said in her original post. I totally agree with the sentiment though of starting small but I just wanted to point out that not everyone's child will go to bed with someone else. Sometimes that just doesn't work, and/or it's not worth it to endure the crying.

My experience was that it took a while for DD to even be receptive to going to bed without me. Because she nursed to sleep. And I recognize that that is not everyone's choice but it is what we did, and as much as it made my skin crawl at times because I just didn't want to do it that particular night it was what DD needed to sleep.   Now DD will go to sleep with me or DH, nursing to sleep or not, totally up to her. But it took a while. And it wasn't like we just decided "hey, Mom's going out, someone else can put you to sleep tonight," it was a definite process that involved me still nursing her but not "to sleep" and not in the nursery and then DH taking over the rest of bed time reading and rocking until he layed her in her crib.

Anyway, emmylou hang in there.  I think we're all fundamentally saying the same thing. Find one thing, make small changes, be kind to yourself, be accepting of what you see (both internally and in the mirror) and give yourself a break. Motherhood ain't for sissies. It's hard work and we all struggle with so many of these issues. You are absolutely not alone.

Thanks, girls! We are working on DH being able to put her to bed. We bedshared for the first 6mo and she still nurses herself to sleep in the rocker, so going to sleep without me is a HUGE transition for her. We are not willing to let her CIO just to go to sleep for someone else.

I like the advice in the bold section above and I think we might try this, esp because she still gets a bottle of pumped milk or formula to supplement. So, I could nurse, then hand her off for her bottle and putting in her crib. I think it is just going to take time, but we are working on it.

cjsbdl · September 2010

GypsyEsq:
cjsbdl:

But I think it's a good idea to start small and work your way through things that are bothering you. My advice would be to start with having someone else do bedtime. My husband has been doing bedtime since Henry was about six months old and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I don't take advantage of it often, but when I want to I can get out to dinner with friends, etc, and it totally recharges me!

Respectfully I don't know how this advice helps if emmylou's LO specifically seems to need her mama at bedtime as she said in her original post. I totally agree with the sentiment though of starting small but I just wanted to point out that not everyone's child will go to bed with someone else. Sometimes that just doesn't work, and/or it's not worth it to endure the crying.

My experience was that it took a while for DD to even be receptive to going to bed without me. Because she nursed to sleep. And I recognize that that is not everyone's choice but it is what we did, and as much as it made my skin crawl at times because I just didn't want to do it that particular night it was what DD needed to sleep.   Now DD will go to sleep with me or DH, nursing to sleep or not, totally up to her. But it took a while. And it wasn't like we just decided "hey, Mom's going out, someone else can put you to sleep tonight," it was a definite process that involved me still nursing her but not "to sleep" and not in the nursery and then DH taking over the rest of bed time reading and rocking until he layed her in her crib.

Anyway, emmylou hang in there.  I think we're all fundamentally saying the same thing. Find one thing, make small changes, be kind to yourself, be accepting of what you see (both internally and in the mirror) and give yourself a break. Motherhood ain't for sissies. It's hard work and we all struggle with so many of these issues. You are absolutely not alone.

It definitely was a transition for us, but it was very important to me that H was comfortable with others putting him to bed so it was something we really worked on. It didn't happen overnight...up until that point I had been nursing him to sleep, so it was a process for all of us.

She's certainly not obligated to take my advice but, she did mention this as a sticking point and, in my experience, it's one that is VERY restrictive for mama...it made a huge difference in my outlook to not be tied to bedtime.

rispergirl · September 2010

First of all, ((Hugs)). I'm sorry you're going through all of this. While being a mom is awesome, it's also a very difficult adjustment. And I know being a SAHM can be very lonely and isolating. I think it's great that you shared your feelings with your DH and that he was supportive. It can seem overwhelming, so set small goals that you can achieve relatively quickly. That will encourage you to keep going. I know for me, joining moms clubs (I'm in a twin one and a regular one) have made a huge difference. I made SAHM friends with kids of a similar age. We can talk about things and get together regularly. I don't feel so alone. In fact, we're too busy most of the time now. The girls in a moms club honestly won't care if you're heavier than you'd like. I bet many of them feel the same way. And I'm willing to bet that getting out to do some things on your own would help too. Can you go out after you put E to bed? Just go shopping or whatever. It helps so much. Good luck.

amamommy · September 2010

Check your pm!

charmcitygirl · September 2010

Oh Em! I know how you feel. I have been feeling down about my body these days too and I just decided that I need to do more things for myself. I joined a gym where they have daycare and Jacob has really taken to it. He says "bye bye" when I leave and runs away.

I think I hit rock bottom around 7 months. I had lost and then gained all of my pregnancy weight back. I was miserable - not as a mom - but with myself. I decided that I needed to do something for myself. I started therapy and got on some meds.

That made me feel much much better and then it took me a while to pinpoint the exact issues that were bothering me and to take steps in the right direction.

I think at some point or another - every SAHM is lonely. As much as I love and cherish the time that I spend with Jacob, it doesn't make me less of a good mom to want outlets outside of Jacob.

I wish that you still lived down here because we could get together! Hugs!

roaringrock · September 2010

oh, I'm sorry. you should know that your feelings are very real and VERY common. if there is one important thing that I've learned in the 2 years that I've been a mom, "me time" is crucial! of course I learned this the hard way.

pp bodies are typically not pretty. after 2 years (and an uncertain marriage) I finally am back to my old weight. unfortunately, stress is not an ideal or healthy way of getting there. be kind to yourself. your body has been through a lot. baby steps with the weight and take more time to focus on YOU.

LIAngel · September 2010

(((HUGS)))

Christakim · September 2010

I'm a little late, sorry, but I just wanted to offer a little support. I feel/felt the same way as you. After I had Ella I lost all my baby weight plus some and breastfeeding helped, then after 3 or 4 months I put back all kinds of weight plus some. I ended up weighing almost as much as I did at the end of the pregnancy with Ella.

Sigh......anyway. Once E gets a little older, all this stuff will fall into place. Until then, try letting your DH put her down every once in a while and maybe pump for overnight feedings so you can have a girls night out every once in a while.

((Hugs)) you deserve to have fun and feel good about yourself!!

sasa625 · September 2010

Wow, I could have pretty much written this post! I gained 42 lbs with DD and haven't lost all of it yet. I look at my pre-pregnancy clothes and get so frustrated. I work 3 days/week, so I get out of the house, but I just started a new job and all of my friends are back at my old workplace.

DH and I can't get out much because we have no one to watch DD... my brother was the only one we had around and he just moved out of state We recently have been making more of an effort to just have date nights in the house... we watch movies together and just spend more time being together versus doing our own thing.

Our house is a complete disaster... we get the basics (dishes, laundry, cooking) done, but we can never go beyond that and it frustrates me sooo much!! It definitely adds to the negativity I feel about myself right now. We are going to try really hard to keep the house in better shape, but it's hard with a mobile baby who needs attention. And then when she's napping (on my days off), I can't get myself motivated to clean!

Hang in there!! You are definitely not alone in how you feel! Being a mommy is tough!!! Definitely try hard to get some time to yourself, even if it's after your DD goes to bed. Just running to Target is a great evening for me!

Temp848906437505510 · September 2010

Em, there is so much of what you're saying that I can totally relate to and I am so proud of you for being able to actually say it, because, I can't. It's hard, all of it. And, it all feels so overwhelming and makes it even harder to even begin dealing with it.

Try to start by getting some time to yourself. Every once in a while, I hold off on the shopping and wait for Glenn to come home. Even though I'm exhausted, I go by myself and it's wonderful to get out alone. It's a start...

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