Letting boys be girls and girls be boys (re: toys and clothes)
ECUGirl2004
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What are your thoughts on letting a little boy wear pink or purple or other perceived "girly colors"? What about little girls wearing things that look more boyish (a shirt with trucks or something)?
What about getting a baby doll or a barbie for a boy, or getting trucks/cars for girls? Anyone else think that somehow the idea of a girl playing with "boyish" toys seems less stigmatized than boys playing with "girls" toys?
If you're okay with kids crossing gender roles, how far would you be willing to let your child go? If you had a little boy (say 6 or under), would you let him wear pink shoes in public? What about playing with girly dress-up clothes (princess stuff, boas, etc)? What about playing with make-up?
And for any moms of boys, does your son do/play with anything girly, and how do you and your DH feel about it?
Re: Letting boys be girls and girls be boys (re: toys and clothes)
Personally, I only buy Allie girl clothes. But if there was a girl shirt with trucks or cars, I'd totally get it. I think I would dress a small boy in a pink or purple button up shirt, I think it would be cute.
I think boys playing with baby dolls is great... like I think girls playing with cars and trucks is great. Allie loves cars and trucks. I guess it is "easier" for girls to play with trucks and cars though.
I think that's as far as I would go though, I don't think I'd let my son wear pink shoes in public or make up. I think I would let him play with dress up clothes though, I wouldn't buy them for him... but I'd let him play if they were available to play with somewhere.
If I had a boy, I'd have no problem letting him wear a pink or purple item of boy's clothing--like the polo shirts that are popular in those colors. Neither would DH. I would not, however, feel ok with letting him wear girls clothing (talking dresses, and stuff with princesses). Holly does have a couple of items of boys' clothing (we used to have a bulldog, so we've bought her bulldog PJ's and t-shirts from the boys section, etc). But most always, we "dress her like a girl/"
I would have no issues with letting a boy play with girl toys, including baby dolls and Barbies, just as I would have no issues with buying my daughter a truck. I do agree that a girl playing with boy toys is just perceived as a "tomboy," where a boy playing with girl toys can often be perceived as being "sissy." I don't agree, especially with a toddler who doesn't understand gender roles, but I think that generally speaking, that's the case, unfortunately.
I would probably not let my son wear pink shoes (unless they were boys shoes--I'm envisioning pink dress-up heels), nor would I let him wear girly dress up clothes in public. I wouldn't mind letting him play with dress up clothes at home whatsoever, including feather boas :-). I'd want to shield him from judgement, if nothing else.
To answer my own post, first, I want to say that it's interesting to me that I struggled to come up with ideas of things for girls that would be deemed "too boyish" whereas it's easy to come up with ideas that are "too girly."
Right now, DS isn't old enough to give input on what clothes we buy for him, so he tends to wear blue, green, orange, red, brown, etc. No pink/purple or anything like that. However, I imagine if he could pick out his own things, he'd be just as likely to wear pink and purple as orange or blue. He definitely likes those colors and I have no problem with it. It's just a color, to me. However, I do admit that it would be a little hard for me to dress him in a hot pink shirt if that's what he wanted to wear. I think I'd suck it up and let him wear just about anything he wants, but I'm sure I'd feel a little self-conscious about it.
As for dolls/barbies, I have no issues with that at all. I intend to get Nate some dolls (probably cabbage patch kids or something similar) whenever we get pregnant. Whenever we're at friends' houses and they have dolls, I always encourage him to hold the baby, etc. I think it's nice to demonstrate how to treat babies.
For my last question - Nate LOOOOVES for me to put his hair up in pigtails. He thinks it's hilarious. He doesn't want to wear them for more than a few minutes, usually, but he often asks me to fix his hair (which means pigtails). He also likes to use my make-up brushes and lip gloss. And of course he likes to wear my shoes, but he wears DH's shoes too. I'm glad that he's at an age right now where anything he wants to do, goes (at least, in our family). My parents and ILs don't seem to care if he has his hair in pigtails, or if he's running around wearing a pair of my flats & carrying a purse.
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If I had a son, I would probably let him wear pink and purple but the clothes would be made for a boy. I wouldn't allow him to wear a dress, tights, a bow in his hair, or girl shoes. I did buy R a pair of boy jeans one time b/c the store didn't have her size in the girls' section. But as a rule, she wears clothes that come from the girls' section.
I do agree that the idea of a girl playing with boyish toys seems less stigmatized than boys playing with girls toys and the same goes with baby gear....the colors used for stroller, car seat, etc. I doubt that if someone puts their son in a pink stroller, that pink will become his favorite color.
I think playing with toys is different than wearing the boy/girl clothes. I know I played with toy wrestlers and watched Hulk Hogan all the time when I was growing up (I had an older brother) and I found it very fun. Playing dress up is an innocent time where the children are pretending and using their imaginations. I wouldn't want to damper their creativity.
I have heard of dads not wanting their sweet little infant sons to wear anything smocked or even remotely sweet looking. I don't think my DH feels that way (thankfully).
I think I am more lenient than most on gender roles with Eli. I could care less what color he wants to wear, what toys he wants to play with, etc. I do agree that there's less of a stigma for a "tomboy", and I think that sucks.
You know what Eli took for show n tell yesterday? A strawberry shortcake doll. He loves her b/c she smells like strawberries. Last week he took a tractor. I could care less. I think before Eli came along my DH was more strict about those things, but anymore he doesn't really care either. Eli got his face painted a few weeks ago and got a cupcake. And he loved it! Sometimes DH will roll his eyes or make a comment, but it doesn't really bother him. He did draw the line when Eli wanted his nails painted though
We have friends that are very strict about gender roles and I think that sucks for their kids. My dad is that way too though, he HATED the fact that we got Eli a kitchen for Christmas last year.
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Oh yeah, and Eli loves a nice purse
He'll throw a bag over his shoulder and tell me it's his purse. Sometimes DH will call it his "bag", and Eli quickly corrects him and says "no, it's my purse." And he pretends to put on makeup while I'm getting ready and things like that too. I think nothing of it, he's mimicking what he sees me do and it's not like he realizes those are girl things. He also loves working on cars and mowing the grass too, so whatever I say.
That's awesome.
I think so too. Eli is not a "boy's boy" really. He can't throw a ball to save his life and likes to cook as much as he likes to mow. I'm just thankful that he was born into a household that is accepting of those things. We have friends and family that I know would not be so accepting of him if he were their child. I just pray that their children fit into their idea of what they should be like because there's nothing worse than feeling like your parents are disappointed in who you are.
Meh, I don't think it matters at this age. Ben likes to play with my makeup, but that's because he sees me do it everyday. It's not because it means anything. He is just now starting to figure out that there is a difference between boys and girls.
He has a doll baby, but he's mostly interested in pushing the stroller. He goes to his little girl friend's house and they play dress up. I've said that his friend Izzy is a big girl and he'll tell me he's a big girl too. He likes to carry a purse - or at least used to. Now he wants a back pack.
As for letting him dress in clothes - His nana buys A LOT of his clothes, so there are few if any pieces that could even remotely be considered questionable.
If he wanted to wear pink shoes out in public - I don't think I'd care. But it's tough to say since the opportunity likely wouldn't even present itself.
I think it's harmless. I do think people who are really strict on the gender roles are shortchanging their kids. My FIL thinks it's weird that Ben likes to cook and clean - he's just doing what he sees me do everyday. Meanwhile, my FIL has his shoes alphabetized by brand and is a super neat freak - so not sure why he thinks it strange that Ben likes to clean
This is a great discussion!
It's so easy to fall into gender roles with clothing. There are not really "girly" colors available in boy clothes and vice versa. I recently saw a punk rock style purple hoodie for toddler boys, and I would totally let Caleb wear it. I noticed the new jeans coming in for school aged boys have bright teal colors, totally feminine to me. I don't mind Caleb dressing in girly colors, but not in a feminine way. IE I don't mind a purple/pink shirt, but not one with frills or sequins!
As far as toys, Caleb does seem drawn to playing with trucks & tools over dolls. He has a pink baby doll and sometimes plays with her, giving hugs & kisses. I think it's sweet. I would definitely buy things society considers girly - kitchens, strollers, dolls, feather boas! etc. There is nothing wrong with kids experiencing different things and making choices about what they prefer.
Caleb loves to carry my purses around, wear my shoes and pretend to put on makeup. I will put some mineral foundation on him and tell him he looks PRETTY! Grandma painted one of his toes with "raspberry sherbet" nail polish and he was tickled.
DH is pretty laid back on things like this. But I'm sure he would cringe if he saw Caleb wearing a princess dress!
We played a computer game with a couple that has a daughter and a son. The son likes to wear his daughter's clothes (all the way down to her undies) and they let him.
Growing up, my mom's friend had a son that liked to play with Barbie dolls and stuffed animals rather than his "boy" toys like cars and trucks.
I don't see anything wrong with allowing children to explore their gender roles as well as everything else in their world. Exploring and learning is what being a child is all about. If, down the road, they decide these things aren't "right" for them...so be it. However, how will they ever know if they don't mimic things and figure it out for themselves?
If I have a son and he wants to do girly things, or Francesca or Lorelei want to do boyish things, I'm going to let them. I'd rather they be themselves than someone they think we want them to be. I just want my babies to be happy.
Owen's favorite toy is a purse and he LOVES to play with shoes. If we are in a shoe store he freaks out trying to pick up and play with the heels, put them on, etc... I have no issues with "girly" toys like dolls, babies, kitchens, and so on and I have no issue with clothing choices. He has red shoes, peach and pastel colored shirts.
I understand little kids liking different colors, or being curious about toys/dolls/makeup and we are fine with whatever he's in to. If he is 15 and I come home to him putting on my make up and carrying my purse I might have a few questions for him, but for now it's fine
You guys are definetly more open minded than most people I know and this is including my DH. Right now I personally don't care if he plays with my shoes or DH's but I know my DH would prefer if he didn't play w/ my shoes. I would not buy "girl" clothes for Nic but I don't think it would be a big deal to wear pink or purple boy shirts.
I would not see anything wrong with buying Nic a Dora lunch box now but DH would not like it. I think once he would go to a more structured school I would do a gender nutreul one. I would not want the kids to make fun of him. And that is what it boils down to. I don't want him to go through extra grief from his peers or other parents.
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I am open to Liam playing with dolls, etc. DH is not quite so open minded, it actually took a little convincing that we should get Liam a kitchen last Xmas (and DH is a former chef, go figure), but I convinced him and Liam loves his kitchen. I would buy him a doll if he asked for it, and I think I'm going to get him one of those little Olivia (Nick Jr) dolls for his stocking. He loves that show, and has several Olivia books, even though they are girly LOL. He met Dora at a Durham Bulls game earlier this year, and was one of the only boys in line, but fortunately he's too little to be embarrassed about things like that yet.
That said, Liam is sooooo all boy. His favorite color is blue, he's super athletic, rough and tumble, loves trains, cars, trucks, fire engines, etc. I've tried so hard to get him to play with stuffed animals, and just in the past month he finally does. Both of his cousins are girls, and when we're at their house, I encourage him to play with their things and dress up, etc. Just last weekend, he was running around in fairy wings hehe.
I think I would draw the line at buying pink shoes for him, and I'm not really a fan of pink shirts (unless Liam wanted one specifically), but I'm all for him playing dress up and whatever else he wants to do at home.
Now, once he's school aged, my opinion might change. There's definitely more of a stigma against boys being girly, and I don't want him to be teased (any more than all kids are going to be teased anyway). I wouldn't keep him from being himself, but would probably encourage him to wear things to school that would fit in. I went through a year as a social outcast after changing schools, and I don't wish that on ANYONE and will try my hardest to keep that from ever happening to Liam. But, the way we are headed right now, I don't think I'll have anything to worry about, because he's definitely all boy.
Oh, I've recently discovered that given the choice, my younger niece loooooves playing with Liam's cars and trucks. My older niece is a super girly princess girl, and that's mostly what they have around the house, and I'm so getting the little one a truck for Christmas after seeing how much fun she had with Liam's hehe!