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Pregnant after IF
cara-n-steve
member
My mother and I are at each others throats!!! (long)
cara-n-steve
member
Where to begin? A little background...I grew up in a Jewish Orthadox family, I was always kind of the black sheep. When I turned 18, I went away to college, got tattoos, and never looked back...unlike my sister who was always "the good one." Even though I am a practicing Jew, I'm not as religious as I was growing up. My husband is Christian and so far we've found a happy balance between the two religions...
My mother loves my husband and thinks he's great but I think she's still a little bitter about him not being Jewish. Jewish people normally don't have baby showers because it's supposed to be bad luck. Well, DH's family and some friends are planning on throwing me a shower and my mother has more than voiced her opinion about it. We just got in a huge fight and I just wish she would understand where I'm coming from.
Then she starts with me about if it's boys we have to have a Bris. DH and I haven't really decided what we're going to do about that yet and she basically blew up at me. I told her I now have my own family and I need to do what's best for us. I feel like such a jerk because I understand what she's saying, I just wish she would listen to me. My father has always been the voice of reason between us, so I'm hoping to talk to him tomorrow and see what he has to say. He really stuck up for us when we were planning our interfaith wedding, so I'm hoping he'll see my side with this as well. I'm just so confused and upset right now. There's no way to please everyone and still have my DH and I be happy. Has anyone had anything similar happen? How did you handle it? Thank you for listening to me vent...am being unreasonable?
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Re: My mother and I are at each others throats!!! (long)
I haven't been in your situation exactly, as I have never been pg and am not religious, but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think it is really hard for parents to get that you are grown up and need to make your own decisions. This is yours and your DH's family and your parents nor his get a vote. I would imagine that if your mother was in your shoes, and I am sure she has been and has forgotten, that she would not want her mother telling her what to do with her family/life. I think you just have to nicely, but firmly set down your boundaries and your mother has to respect your choices. If you let her control things now she will continue to do it as long as you allow it.
Good Luck! Hopefully you will get all this worked out and can enjoy this time with your mom in peace.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
That's rough. I anticipate a similar situation with my mom. I grew up Catholic, but never really felt strongly that it was the right religion for me. Because of the Catholic view on infertility treatments, I now feel especially strongly about it.
My mom assumes our children will be baptized Catholic, and she's already mentioned godparents, etc. DH and I will probably let our children choose their own religion. I know this will NOT go over well, so I'm putting off the conversation!
I'm hoping your dad can be a good middle man and help your mom understand where you're coming from.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This is your family and you and your DH absolutely need to do what you feel is best for your family.
I anticipate being in a similiar situation very soon. I grew up in a very Catholic family. I never connected with the Catholic faith as I disagreed with almost all of their views. DH was born into the same faith but his family was never practicing. We don't intend to bring up our child in the Catholic faith in any way. I know this is a huge issue for my parents; they are aware I have left the church but I don't think they know I don't left Catholicism entirely.
Although I'll make it very clear to my parents about our decision about religion, I know they won't be happy about it and they will have a hard time accepting it. When it comes to issues as fundamental as religion, I find it's incredibly hard to make everyone happy. For me, all I can do is make decisions that me and my DH feel are right for our child.
Hun, I hope your Dad can help mediate and I really hope your Mom can see your point of view. This kind of stuff is never easy to deal with ((( hugs ))).
I was just about to write something very similar. Instead of doing a baptism I'm considering do a small welcome baby blessing ceremony - maybe even asking two people to act as the baby's spiritual guides - I don't know that sounds very cheesy now that I put it in writing. What I do know is my husband and I were both raised Catholic, we live a block from a Catholic church and don't go so I'm not going to be a big faker and have my kid baptized because it's tradition.
Cara -
I totally understand you. I grew up ultra-reform and my Dh and his family are ultra Conservative. We sort of play it by ear and do what we feel comfortable with. Now comes time for us to have a family and everyone assumes we are going to do it "their" way. I don't want a baby shower, but my mother has "planned" one with a non-jewish friend of mine. Then my in-laws (who don't even live near us), have spoken to an ultra-orthodox (Chabad) Rabbi about Bris and Baby-naming.... ummmm..... our baby, our choice!?! My DH wants the baby (if its a boy) to be circumsized in the hospital, and his family has totally freaked about it, and keep saying that I am turning my nose up to their faith.
The best thing I can suggest is speaking to your father if he is the voice of reason, and I have also found that using options that our faith allows, is a good way of communicating your needs, while still giving credit to their beliefs. Ultimately, this will be a joyous event and everyone will let go of their ideas once the babies arrive. These things are not life altering, it just sometimes takes reminding people of what the important issues are.
Good luck.