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Adoption
Spouses being "ready" for adoption
So, I haven't posted much about my personal situation in quite a while... We started to pursue IA almost a year ago, then backed off because my husband got cold feet and wanted to pursue some IF treatments first. So, we did. Another month has come and gone without success. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the IF treatments, and I'm beyond ready to pursue adoption. My husband isn't there yet, though. And I will admit that I'm impatient.
I could swear that this was discussed just a few days ago on this board, but I couldn't find that thread. If you and your DH were ready to pursue adoption at different times, how did you deal with the difference in readiness (whether it was you who was slower to be ready, or your DH)?
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Re: Spouses being "ready" for adoption
I was ready at least a good 6 months before DH was. I read Adoption for Dummies cover to cover and was SO excited to tell him about it. He interpreted it as me pressuring him to adopt right now.
He had some things to work through, so I gave him time to process things. We read some of Adoption for Dummies together, and we attended some webinars and phone seminars so we could start learning more about what the process involved.
Ultimately his biggest fear was how invasive the homestudy would be, so we called a couple of agencies and spent at least an hour with each discussing that part of the process. At that point he was starting to get more on board.
I was just patient. I knew I couldn't really proceed until we were both on the same page, and that he needed me to back off and let him educate himself and warm up to the idea.
I hope it's ok to post over here. I've only ever posted on the Infertility board, and I'm still quite new with that. Anyway.... I am also ready for adoption but my husband is not quite on board. He says he will be ready to talk with an adoption attorney or an agency after we have finished another treatment plan. I get so excited when I think about adopting and then get depressed when I think about our next medical procedures. However I also know that we can't adopt until we are both completely ready.
Dealing with the differences...I would read info online and forward it to him, we would talk about it and pray about it. I think it helped that I wasn't pressuring him or rushing the process.
Ugh, I am dealing with this with my DH. Back when we were fostering DS and then adopted him, we moved forward with TTC. DH really just wanted to adopt another child and be done with it...he figured we could try to adopt a little girl and then we would have our boy and our girl. Biological children to him is not the important thing. He kept telling me that while we were trying, and I told him that I really just wanted to try and if we found that we could not have children then we could talk adoption again. Well, a year went by and I met with my doctor about testing being done to see why we couldnt get pregnant. During that time we also met with an Adoption Agency, as we wanted to get all the information possible on our choices if indeed we found we could not get pregnant. After we met with the agency, we sat down and talked about whether or not we would pursue domestic infant adoption or just be relicensed as foster parents and go that route again. DH was really ok either way, except that of course financially, DA would really take a hit on us because it is pricey. But, he also told me that if we found out that we could not conceive that he would agree to DA if that is what I truly wanted.
Well, fast forward about two months, and here we are with the reality that there is really only a 1-2% chance that we would get pregnant on our own. We had already decided that we did not want to pursue IUI or IVF. OK, so we know we want to adopt. well, DH wants to do fostercare, and I want to do DA. So, now we are at a crossroads and trying to work through that. Basically for DH it boils down to the $$.
I think all of the ladies express themselves so well here. I agree with everyone that it just takes time. And prayer (for us). Although my hubs keeps saying he is ready, he certainly keeps having financial panic attacks! His heart and arms are open to adoption, but his brain keeps reminding him of the cost that raising a child brings. I try to to tell him that the coasts will always be there whether it was a biological child or an adoptive child. One of the hardest things for me to do is back off when he gets like that. But Ido. I am a very enthusiastic planner and I like to talk about things. I did it as we planned our wedding, my move to CA, and now our baby (which we have no idea when we will be matched).
Hang in there. You will know when you are on that same page.
I think that males typically slow to warm up to adoption in couples where one is not quite ready. I just wanted a child, my child to love and he was worried about a spreading his seed. I was ready to pursue adoption now as soon as we got the diagnosis of MFI about 6mth into trying. I've always wanted to adopt since childhood and hubby's desire to adopt truly was a work in process. We went from "why would you want to take on someone else's problems" (first date eight years ago) to "I'll think about it" (engagement) to "After we have two biological children" (marriage) to agreeing this past April to adopt now.
I actually came to a decision on how to approach it from another adoption board before we got married. There was a lady who shared that she was really worried thst her husband would never want to adopt and she just prayed and trusted in the goodness of her husband. I seldom pray but I knew I could trust in the goodness of my husband's heart, that he would see that this was something that was meant to be and that he would come around to it.
In a way, I see our infertility as a blessing bc it brought us to adoption sooner than we would've otherwise. My husband is actually worried now that we'll get pregnant before we match and have to wait 6mth before we can get back on the adoption wait list. So my advice to you is the same that I got from the website. Be patient, let your husband know that this is something that you really want, pray (if this is something you do). Also, if your mental state, finances can stand it, you can consider pursuing both at the same time. I know some people have expressed a dislike of this approach but for me, I know that my family will be built through adoption but at 32 the clock is ticking and I'm going to pursue all my options to help me get the 3 little children I've always dreamed of. Best of luck!