Help me help my student, please (long, rambling)
StrawberryAlarmClock
member
Disclaimer: I know TB "rule" is to lurk on a board before posting, but I have no reason to lurk here, so if it is inappropriate for me to ask this, please tell me so and I will delete this post ASAP. Otherwise, I could really use some honest advice if you have a minute. TIA
I am a high school teacher at a private boarding school. The school was founded by a Christian but is not a parochial school. However, it is heavy in Christian values: the kids go to Chapel on Sunday, the "house parents" (married couple who live with 12 orphan children on campus) are almost always Christian and lead the children in devotionals before every meal. This Christian undertone (if you can call it that) also affects dating. Straight kids are not allowed to hug or kiss more than a quick peck, no prolonged PDA. Gay kids may not even touch.....let me clarify - there are no gay kids here. If you catch my drift.
Well, a student came to me in confidence and told me that he came out at his student home (where the kids live with a dozen same-sex classmates and a married couple who act as parents). His house father made him apologize to his housemates and is now making him watch a series of videos to "un-gay" him (his phrase). This poor kid actually thinks there is something wrong with him and believes his house father that there is a program that the kids can follow that will "fix" them. (I know, I cringed just typing that).
I am still not 100% sure why he came to me. I don't know if he wants me to encourage him that there is nothing wrong with him or if he wants me to help him through this "cleansing" (read: brainwashing) process??? He asked if he can come see me tomorrow after school to talk. I made sure that my schedule is clear so that we can talk in private but I don't know what he wants from me.
I really don't know what I'm asking you to do for me. I am assuming that what he is going through right now is very heavy for a 16 year old kid. I remember how rough dating was for me and I had the support of my entire community. I cannot imagine going through the stress of dating with the added pressure that half the eyes that are on you are disapproving.
I guess what I'm asking you is this: What would you have needed from an adult when you were in high school? Did you just want a non-judgemental ear? Did you want advice? Did you want them to tell you that there was nothing wrong with you? Remember, this child does not have parents or siblings that he can go to. We (the adults on campus) are his "family."
If you had an adult confidant during your teen years, what did they do for you? What can I do for my student?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
On a side note, I did report this house father to Human Resources. They would not tell me if these "straightening" videos are something he could get fired for or not, but the lady I reported it to took my concerns very seriously and said she would act on them the same afternoon.
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Re: Help me help my student, please (long, rambling)
it makes me irrate that there are still people in this world educating and caring for children who are so ignorant and full of hate...I especially hate it when Christianity is used to support that ignorance.
I think reporting that house father was absolutely the best thing you could do. IMO, that treatment constitutes emotional abuse. Honestly, what I think would be best for your student would be transferring to a new and more open/accepting school. I just can't see how he could thrive where he currently is. But I'm guessing that's not an option?
And the best thing for you to do during your talk is just to listen openly. Absolutely tell him that there is nothing wrong with him and that he still has every opportunity to live a wonderful and fulfilling life as a gay man.
Its such a confusing and scary time, it so sad to me that he has these extra burdens on him
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Unfortunately, you're right. Transferring is not an option for this student (financial reasons). He can put in a request for a different student home, but I know that he will not feel comfortable citing his reason why. Perhaps the HR representative could advocate for him in confidence. I will ask her.
Thank you for the advice. I know that he will be hanging on my every word, so I want to be careful not to say anything that would (accidentally) be misleading or discouraging. For example, if I say "don't worry about what other people think of you"...well, that's easier said that done. I'd rather give him advice on how to thrive when it is a fact that others will disapprove silently or loudly.
oh wow, what a tough situation. I agree with everything ctbride said. I think it's pretty clear that you care for this student and his well-being, and if he chose you to confide in then he sees it too. I wish I had some magical words of advice that would make things easier for you and for him but I don't think they're out there. I hope he's able to move houses (actually what I really hope is that the house father gets some schooling himself) and I'm glad you have some support from the HR rep.
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This is awesome and insightful advice!! You wouldn't happen to be a teacher, would you? I especially like that I would be handing all decision making to him and telling him to keep himself safe and focus on his studies. Thank you. Do you mind if I practically repeat this verbatim? No copyright infrigement? LOL
PP's gave you some wonderful advice!
Reporting that person was great! By doing so you are letting this young man know you don't support that kind of abuse and that people can and do stand up for others. A change in housing would be nice but it's only a temporary fix. He will face all kinds of people in the world, many who do not like gays. He will eventually have to learn to handle these situations and keep himself safe.
He may not want anything specific from you, he may just feel like you are a safe person to talk to. It sounds like you will listen and not judge and that right there will mean the world to him. It's a very scary and possibly confusing time for him, acknowledging that will help a lot too.
Please come back and let us know what happens :-)
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Of course everyone else gave good advice, but here's a little more. Focus on empathizing with and normalizing the things he says he's feeling, whether that is anger, fear, confusion, self-hatred, or whatever else. Let him know that he can come back to you in the future. Let him know that there's a world outside your school where people will support him. Is there any way you can connect him to a support group or therapist or mentor outside your school?
Hopefully this is not the case with your student, but please do pay attention to signs of depression or suicidalitu because he's at high risk.
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
OMGoodness. Yes, that makes sense. He is a bit "Emo" and dark but I think that's just his music and fashion. I will keep my eyes and ears open for signs of self-harm. Thank you!