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3rd Trimester
Question about being selfish .....(sort of a vent ) (long)
There is this women that I have known since I was 16( she is a good 10 years older then me ) ,she was a mentor of mine from a very young age . Well I was her maid of honor in her wedding a year ago ( and did the entire bridal parties hair ) ,I used to live with her have seen her through a horrible breakup about 5 years ago , and her mother dying .I have gotten her through alot of things ! Now dont get me wrong she has been there for me , we were inseperable for a long time . Now here is the question : The day of my shower she texts messages me and tells me (four hours before ) that she cant go to my shower . When I ask her why she responds with : "I just found out today I am not pregnant " . Now I feel horrible for her , BUT she has been trying to get pregnant for over a year , and has been to many of baby showers in this time period . WHY ME ?? why cant you come to my shower , you call me a sister , my mother was her adoptive mother at her wedding and took care of all the motherly duties . WHY COULDNT SHE COME SUPPORT ME at my shower . When talking to her in previous conversation she would always say "Im gonna test the morning of your shower so I will know that day and we can celebrate us both being pregnant at your shower ".BUT IT WAS MY SHOWER WHY WOULD WE CELEBRATE HER ????I know im prob being selfish but I am extremly mad at her and feel very betrayed .She text messaged me today when she found out I was in the hospital having minor contrations and said "Let me know when I can come see the baby " ....Now my shower was 3 weeks ago and since her "im not coming text " She hasent talked to me . I DONT WANT HER AT THE HOSPITAL ,I AM HURT !!!! Am I being unreasonable ???
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Re: Question about being selfish .....(sort of a vent ) (long)
Yes, you are being unreasonable. She wants to be a mother and month after month a test tells he it wont happen this month. A year is a long time even more so when we all think it will only take a few months if that.
Personally if I was trying to get pregnant and had been for a year I would be really upset on the day I tested and No I would not want to go to a baby shower. Maybe she should have tested after your shower, but that was her choice, you cant get mad at her for wanting to test.
If anything else at least talk to her do not just give her the cold shoulder, your about to be a mother, you need to grow up a little.
Im trying to grow up and be the bigger person really but she WAITED to test till that day ...she could have three weeks before that , and she is like my sister . She went to every one elses baby shower , and not mine I just feel like she missed a part of my life that I will never have again but she WILL expect me to be at her shower when she has a baby !
I don't think you are being unreasonable. As someone who was trying for more than a year and a half when a friend told me she got pregnant (a BIG oops for her, but they were happy about it) I was heartbroken for myself because it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant except me, but I never let her know that. I sucked it up because I was genuinely happy for her. I didn't want to diminish her happiness or make her feel awkward about telling me anything she was excited about with her baby. I even threw her a shower and was more than happy to do so even though I continued to get negative results. And when I finally got my BFP, she was one of the first people I called because I knew she'd be thrilled for me.
I think you should talk to your friend. To me, a negative is horribly depressing (and I know), but no reason to blow off the shower of someone who is a "sister" to you.
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I think if she's that close to you and she hasn't tried to speak with you since she didn't show up to your shower then she's probably embarrased at how she acted. I don't think you're being selfish, I think you're hurt and I think she didn't go to yours especially because there is jealousy and she would have had a difficult time to put her dissapointment aside to be happy for you. You need to speak with her and let her know that you are hurt she didn't go to your shower, but also try to understand where she is coming from. A year seems like an eternity when you are TTC and it's just not happening.
Okay, I'm confused by the part in bold above. Was her period three weeks late? Why do you think she could have tested 3 weeks before? Her text said she was not pregnant. Are you certain she tested that day? Perhaps she started her period or even had a miscarriage if her period was three weeks late.
The only way you will know these things is if you talk to your friend. If she is as close a friend as you claim, you owe it to her to talk it out. I know it sucks that she skipped your shower. You have every right to be hurt and disappointed. But, your friend is 34 and has been trying to get pregnant for a year with no luck. It's a crappy position to be in. I'm not as old as your friend, but we did try for a year for DD. Every month that I started my period was a little bit harder to handle. Sometimes it was easier just to avoid situations celebrating babies and pregnancy than to try to put on a happy face. Please don't just write off your friendship without trying to understand where she is coming from. Good luck!
I'd be annoyed too. I also tried for about a year and half to get pregnant and in that time period both my sister (who had previously said she never wanted children!) and my best friend got pregnant. I would have to be a real selfish b*tch to have held that against them and refused to support them!
I went through the same drama of testing a million times in that period, and even though it is horribly dissapointing to find out you are not expecting you still have to LIVE your life! Abandoning your friends on days that are special for them is not a very good way to do it.
Sounds like you have been there a lot for her throughout your friendship...she is showing what kind of friend she can be for you. Not a very good one.
I've never been in this situation, but I'll give my opinion. On the day I told my BFF about our BFP, that she and her H were trying to have their second child. She was excited for me, but told me about a week later that she wasn't pregnant. I don't think you're being selfish. She's very upset, understandable, but she knew it wasn't for sure when she tested. She should have waited until at least after your shower if it was going to upset her that much. I can't imagine why she hasn't called since then, I'd say she's embarassed about it. You have to talk it out with her. It's a big time for you and in the end she'll be sorry she's missing it. Best of luck.
BTW BFF got her BFP a month later, she's due in December... it can happen at any point.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. Like PP have said, it would be one thing if she had just had a miscarriage, but I think after all those years of friendship and you being supportive of her through her hard times, that blowing your shower off because of a BFN is a little harsh. If she was worried about the results affecting her decision to attend, then maybe she could have waited until after the shower to test. There will, hopefully, be a time when she is prepping for her own baby shower and would want you there and it sounds like you've been a close enough friend for her that you'd go pretty much no matter what.
I understand that TTC can be extremely frustrating and heartbreaking and having been through a loss, I know how sad it can make a person to be around happy baby stuff. But I don't think I'd ever blow off a longtime friend's baby shower because of it. I think it's important for you to support her during her hard times...but as your friend, she should also want to support you during your good times.
Honestly, I do think that was pretty crappy of her to cancel at the last minute. We TTC for 18 months with 2 IVFs. I'd never 1. test the AM of a baby shower or 2. cancel on someone who is that close to me. If I had done a treatment and got my period or something, it would be different. Maybe. Not over a BFN. You come to expect them at that point so it really is not a suprise unless you were in the middle o f a medicated cycle. Even at that, I would probably not have cancelled.
However, it's just a baby shower. Really. In the grand scheme of your life it's ONE afternoon that she couldn't be there for. I think you need to realize that your choice to have a baby doesn't mean that everyone has to stop their lives and bow down to the new all mighty baby.
Be a friend, understand that she is having a hard time. Let her know that you felt unsupported and disappointed. There is no reason to not talk to someone over a baby shower. That's ridiculous.
I have a vaguely similar experience: The day of my lifelong friend's babyshower I started miscarrying after IVF #1. (We had been TTC for over 3 years at the time.) I did not go to the shower. She understood.
I think your friend is a little selfish and a little immature. However, infertility is a pretty rough road and sometimes we aren't our best selves when we're struggling through something so hard. I think it would be very kind of you to forgive her for these inappropriate behaviors. Think about it this way - how awful must she be feeling that she's acting this way toward you when you have been through so much together?
The point of being the bigger person is doing so despite how she has acted.
I can see how it might feel like she did this to herself... built up the situation and tested that day. But at the same time, she was probably very excited and praying/hoping that this would be the day. A year can feel like a very long time to be trying to get pregnant and not succeeding, month after month.
I can understand why you're upset. But it sounds like you are overreacting. PP's are right - you're about to be a mother and you have to grow up. I'm sure there were many people at your shower who were happy and supportive of you - don't focus on the person who wasn't able to be there.
BFP #2 ~ 4/22/2010 ~ EDD 12/29/2010 ~ Born 12/19/2010 ~ My Rainbow Baby
BFP #3 ~ 6/10/2012 ~ EDD 2/20/2013 ~ HB 100bpm @ 9w3d ~ M/C 7/11/2012
BFP #4 ~ 3/16/2013 ~ EDD 11/20/2013 ~ Born 11/17/2013 ~ Rainbow Baby #2
While I'm a little confused as to why she chose the date of your shower (if she could have tested 3 weeks before) to see if she was pregnant or not, I do think you're being a little selfish in getting so upset about it.
If she's having a hard time with infertility issues, it's better for her to acknowledge that she can't handle a baby shower (for her BFF who means a lot to her) rather than come and get even more upset, have a breakdown, or be put into the position to feel jealous. The smartest thing she did was keep her distance from your happy event if she didn't feel up to it.