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School-Aged Children
#6
member
How to encourage ds to keep trying to make friends.
#6
member
So, ds never had close friends in his 2yrs of preschool. He is now in K and I have asked him a few times if he is making new friends. He will say a few names and I ask him if he plays with "johnny" alot etc. He will say things like, well, johnny has other friends and they dont like me. They all hate me and wont play with me." I told him to keep trying to play with them and he said they all run away.
Im heartbroken. I had some pretty close friends in elem. school and we were all friends in hs and even now. We will probably move in the next few years but until then I though L could make some good friends to start having sleepovers with, and plan play dates with. Its just not happening. I know its only been 3wks but he is rather sad about it when we talk about making friends. Should I give it more time or schedule a time for him to meet with the school counselor so maybe she could talk to him more about how to make friends. I have tried talking and explaining it to him but he thinks all the kids hate him.
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Re: How to encourage ds to keep trying to make friends.
"Johnny" doesn't sound nice. "Johnny" could end up being the bully of the class(yes, there are bully's in Kindergarten). I wouldn't encourage him to play with anyone specific especially since you don't even know these children personally. It's only been 3 weeks, friends aren't made overnight, give him a chance to settle in and to get to know everyone. I'm sure not every boy in the class is following "Johnny" around so maybe encourage him to play with those kids.
I worry about the same things. I think my DS is still exploring things at school and really isn't too interested in making a BFF just yet. The first week he was telling me he wasn't playing with anyone, but mostly mentioned all of the cool things on the playground, which to me meant he was doing some parallel play still since he probably wasn't interested in sharing all of this newness with anyone. This week he's mentioned a few names and there have been some instances of kids not being nice (2 girls took his crayons one day), but I'm sure it goes both ways (he and another boy were throwing rocks on the playground another day). They're still learning all of this stuff.
Right now I'm hoping that I can meet a few of the parents of kids that he's mentioned at back to school night and see if we can set up some playdates outside of school. I figure it's kind of my job to help him form some deeper bonds with kids at school this way. And, I will gently suggest that he ask kids to play games or play on a piece of equipment with him during recess. Other than that, I can't really think of much else to do on this front. I just hope it comes together and if it sounds like it's not in a few more weeks, I'll talk to his teacher about it to get the real scoop.
Ditto what auntie said in her reply above, especially about calling the teacher to see what she observes during class time. Although your son may have mentioned "Johnny" because it's a name he remembers, "Johnny" might not be a logical playmate for your son. The teacher will be watching them during centers/stations and she should be able to tell you who would be a good match for your son socially.
Mostly, I wouldn't put too much pressure on him to make friends or feel he has to have "real" friends at this point. He may know that you're anxious about this, and he may feel compelled to try to work his way into social situations at school because he knows you're going to ask him about it at home. If he's trying too hard, that could be driving kids away. Instead of focusing on making friends, try to get him to focus on finding a playground activity he likes.
Here's my experience: My DD had kids with whom she was friendly, but no real close friends in preschool. I worried and fretted about this, and asked her continuously if she had friends to play with early in kindergarten. And, like you, I was stressed out for a while because it seemed like she didn't really have anyone to hang with. She was perfectly happy, though! It took until about halfway through kindergarten for her to settle in with a few actual friends. She was on the younger side; she turned 5 a few days after starting kindergarten. Even though it took her a while to find her feet socially, she has had a perfectly normal elementary school social life.
My son also made his first "real" friend at about 5 and a half, but he was in preschool at the time. There just seemed to be a point at which my kids "got" how to make close friends, and before that they just didn't approach socializing in that way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is not to worry too much about this. I know some kids have "BFFs" from age 2 or 3. But I think it's also totally normal for kids not to really bond with a particular group of kids until they're a bit older. My kids were both somewhat late bloomers in this regard, but they've made up for it in the quality of their friendships!