It's been a horrible two weeks...

I finally had enough of all the meds (Pristiq, Wellbutrin, Clonapan, Ambien) and just stopped taking them. The Ambiens had stopped helping anyway and I had cut the Clonapan doses in half because they put me out like a light during the day only. The Wellbutrin I think messed with my blood pressure and caused tingling in my arms. Also I would have episodes in which I felt so completely angry and violent that I couldn't make myself go near LO even if she was crying for whatever reason.

I HATE taking so many pills, feeling hazy and feeling side effects even after being on these doses for three months at least and not making improvements (although therapist and psychiatrist believe I had made some improvement). At one point the Wellbutrin dose was high enough that the side effects landed me in the ER for the night. And LO and I shared a fun two weeks of stomach virus that she caught from the waiting room. 

I HATE journaling and finally told my therapist that she can just stuff it with the journaling recommendations every week. I hate the patronizing words spilling out of my parents mouths when I overheard them talking about how many meds I take and that I am just over dramatizing this. Am I really supposed to believe their support is genuine after hearing that? Who the hell am I supposed to talk to now? I have no friends, no one who will understand what I'm going through. I tried talking to my SIL on a chat and the next thing I knew my mother was calling about what I had just talked to SIL about. I just told my mom that if she drives up tomorrow I will not let her in the gate or the door if she follows someone into the complex parking area. 

I am furious with daycare over not caring for my daughter's DOC band correctly. They cinched down on the helmet and velcro-ed it about an inch past where it normally "settles" on her head. After four hours the dents left from the helmet had only faded to about half of what they were to begin with so she lost an entire night of helmet wear while the dents smoothed out and the redness of blood returning to the surface faded. 

I HATE LO's head shape right now. I liked it better when she was completely lopsided because at least it was oval and just not a straight oval. Now she looks like a traffic cone from above with her forehead looking pinched and her ears a mile apart. 

I admitted to having suicidal thoughts and that the only reason I haven't committed suicide is to keep LO from going into exFi's custody. Spiteful but justified to my way of thinking. The psychiatrist has made me come in for about three visits a week since then with either herself, my therapist of the mindfulness and meditation sessions. 

I am exhausted because LO is already down to one nap a day and is extremely active and easily bored. I can't find time to eat and when I do I either don't have anything, can't afford anything or simply can't make myself eat anything.  

I completely and totally blame exFi for whenever I bounce off the walls like this because it ALWAYS happens after I have an encounter with him whether by phone or in person and I saw him over Labor day weekend. LO starting saying "Mama" that same weekend but I was already starting to be out of it and couldn't make myself respond to her so now she stopped saying it. And I kind of hate how she was apparently a perfect little angel for exFi and had tons of fun when it seems like I have to work for every smile and giggle. 

I miss getting a freaking shower every day. I consider myself lucky if I even get to wash my face every morning. I miss getting enough time to actually do housework without tripping over toys and bruising myself. I miss getting 8 hours of sleep (when LO gets 10 hours straight). I would miss TV if I even knew what kind of shows were on anymore but I've gone from having no cable/no local stations to free cable and no time to even look for the remote. I'm not sure I even remember how to cook and haven't cooked anything except steamed veggies in several weeks. 

And somehow, in all my infinite amounts of time, I need to prepare a preliminary seminar that will lead to a second "original research idea" seminar. It's not going to happen. I've already told my advisor that my two seminars are very likely not going to be related to each other except in the vaguest sense of both being organic chemistry. I can't be expected to come up with an original research idea and do a preliminary presentation on it with only 2 months warning and having only been working in a research lab for 6 months on projects that I don't care about.

 I am totally miserable right now. Hate myself, hate my life. hate everything. I want a hug, a genuine hope you feel better hug. I really miss physical contact since I kicked exFi out.

sorry this got so long...