How do you feel about having a second child?

palmtreejen · September 2010

I'm not pregnant, but I do want LO (12m) to have a sibling, however, I just can't imagine loving another baby as much as I do my little guy. Also my pregnancy was so tough I just can't imagine taking care of LO and throwing up everyday all day. I'd feel as if i was betraying him. How do you deal? How do you love another child? I know you can't share the love, but are the cliches true, that the love grows?

M+K=3 · September 2010

We don't have a second child, but I share your sentiment and frankly from an economical perspective I don't know that we can afford a second child. For childcare/education alone we spend $2,000 a month. And that's not because we decided to just send him somewhere stellar, but on average daycare in Chicago (not home-based) is at minimum $1300 a month!

MrsBatty · September 2010

My head tells me no. My heart tells me yes. I go back and forth daily.

I'm not convinced I can handle 2.

tarebear9891 · September 2010

I have my second child. I had the same fear "how can I love anyone as much as I love Luke?"

It is so so possible. I instantly fell in love with Sawyer and can't imagine not having him. Plus I have given Luke the greatest gift of a brother...they love each other. Luke likes to "hold" him, feed him, and bring me diapers.

I am not saying it is always easy...there are times when I feel like I am going nutty...but it is worth it.

ToBeMrsC6907 · September 2010

I hear ya. I felt exactly the same way for awhile when deciding to TTC #2, and even shortly after getting our BFP. While I was excited, in the back of my mind I was super nervous and also had the guilty feelings you describe above. Somehow I've moved past it and am so grateful and happy and excited to be blessed again. I can't wait to go through all of the milestones again, and see DS with his little brother or sister- I know he will love having a sibling and growing up in a big family, I always loved it. I know in my heart that nothing will ever change how much I love DS or how much attention I give him. The love must grow!

t.bird · September 2010

with #2 on the way i go between total excitement for alex to have a little sister to total fear that i'm taking away from her (time, love, etc etc)

but i remind myself that i love coming from a big family & even though there are a ton of us my parents managed to find time & love for us all.

so i can do it too. and alex won't even remember being an only- so that helps i think.

pharmacygirl · September 2010

Well I have 2 kids right now that are 21 months apart. I can tell you that I have no problem at all loving 2 babies. You won't either. I was sick from 14 weeks to 40 weeks with both babies. I actually couldn't even gain weight cause everything made me sick. I lived on Zofran. But we made it through. I had help from my mom and DH. My mom kept DS1 during the day while I was at work and she still kept him during the day when I was put on bedrest. Hopefully you have some freinds or family that can step in if you're sick again with the next baby. Our expenses did not increase drastically since my mom keeps both kids and we re-used a lot of our stuff from DS1. DH was even laid off when I was 5 months pg and I was put on bedrest at 7 months. So neither of us were working for 4 months straight. Thankfully due to my jobs amazing benefits and un-employment for DH we made it to the otherside just fine.

JoannaJes · September 2010

Well, even though I'm the oldest, I find it hard to believe that my parents love me more than my younger siblings. Honestly, I'm excited for DS to have a sibling. I think it's a unique relationship that a parent cannot provide. And I also don't think that a laser-like focus on only one child is necessarily always to their benefit.

As far as feeling sick while pregnant, you just need to line up some help, rely on your DH, and not feel so guilty if your LO watches a little more TV or something while you aren't feeling well. In the long run, it doesn't make that much of a difference.

AngelaEsq · September 2010

I was absolutely on the fence with the same thoughts. Everyone around me was pressuring me to have 2 under 2 for so many reasons. They'll be friends, get out of diapers together, etc.

I really felt guilty for wanting to wait for economic and emotional decisions. I love my daughter and I want to get to know her as a person. I see my SIL struggling with 3 under 4 .

Well, then I got cancer and the decision was made for me. Now I'm not allowed to have another one until 2-3 years after I am cured. I feel the burden of making a decision has lifted, but after that time period I will be in a better position financially and emotionally. Anyway, make the decision based on your circumstances, not what other people think you should do. Whatever happens is what's meant to be.

Wally3 · September 2010

After I had DS I was on the fence about having #2 - for most of the same reasons that you have stated. However, when I take DS out and I see only children playing by themselves I remember how much fun I have with my sister and I want that for DS. We live in fl so we see a lot of families on vaca. So I think I have come around to an #2 but I just have to decide this year or next.

ToBeMrsC6907 · September 2010

Great post- love reading the other responses!

sarcole530 · September 2010

We don't have a second child yet, but we do want to have another within probably 3 years. Our reasons are..

1. We want to be sure we give DS a good amount of attention and time alone before we have another LO.

2. We aren't financially ready for another child.

3. Our house isn't large enough for another LO.

I feel the same way as you right now. I can't imagine loving another child as much as I do Bryce. I guess that just goes to show that I'm not ready emotionally for another one yet. But I'm sure it's going to happen some day.

katypresson · September 2010

I'm not pregnant either...and have only DS #1 right now. I go back and forth about having another. I'm an only child and remember being lonely a lot as a child. If my friend's parents wouldn't let them come over and my mom was busy cleaning/cooking/keeping house, I was left to play alone.

One of the memories I have from childhood was when we were on vacation and at Silver Dollar City I wanted to ride a kiddy ride but didn't want to go alone. My grandma started asking random kids walking past if they would ride with me. I was sooo embarrassed!!!! She was just trying to help...but I honestly wanted to crawl in a hole and die at that moment.

Here's the thing...pregnancy and the newborn phase are temporary, but people are for life. I believe the love will grow and you will figure it out along the way. Think about the families that have 5+ children...if they can do it so can you! (I'm not saying you should have 5+ kids, just that it's possible)

jenn_darrin1515 · September 2010

well...#1 came with #2 in our case and there is plenty of love to go around...so much that we are considering #3...the financials are tight...but there is no shortage of love and fun and craziness in our house...

Quiksilver620 · September 2010

we decided before we had DD that we would only have 1 child. I also don't think I could love another child as much as DD, I'm happy with our family dynamic, we couldn't afford daycare for another child....and I don't want to go through pregnancy and then having a newborn again

outnumbered · September 2010

Do you have a sibling? If so do your parents only love one of you?

~BeesBoo~ · September 2010

I also go back and forth daily. Some days I would love to have another baby, and others I am content with just my little guy. I think that at some point down the line, the right answer will just hit me, and then I will run with that.

jannv11 · September 2010

We talk about having another and then after being up 3 times a night with a 14.5 month old I can't imagine doing it again!!! He was never a sleeper and my luck I would be blessed with another non sleeper!!

palmtreejen · September 2010

Thanks for all the great responses. I love this one...

katypresson:
Here's the thing...pregnancy and the newborn phase are temporary, but people are for life.

MooCowMJ · September 2010

Only having 1 child has never even crossed our minds. In fact, before I was ever pg we talked about how far apart we wanted our kids. We'll be trying for #2 this spring/early summer. I've never known any 'only child's', but I think that would be a lonely life.

Neither my 2 brothers or DH's sister have any desire to have kids. I'm slightly disappointed that I'll probably never be an auntie and that E will probably never have any cousins. But she will have a sibling or two!

JennifernKevin4ever · September 2010

I feel the same way. I don't have a second child yet. I do think how life would be with the next. I think the love does happen just the same as it did with the first, but in a different way. I had a easy pregnancy in the beginning. I never had morning sickness. I hope its that way the next time around.

BeanieWeanie · September 2010

We're going to start TTC #2 in May (so there will be at least 2.5 years in between). I am so so excited about it. I can't wait for DS to have a younger sibling - I have two brothers and I cannot imagine not having had them around growing up - we had so much fun together.

My pg was rough with DS and L&D was horrible, but he is absolutely worth it, and the next one will be too. And I am certain I will love #2 just as much as #1.

married4love · September 2010

I have two, 1 and 3, and seeing my boys play and laugh together now makes up for all of the hard times during the pregnancy and newborn phase. It makes me happy to know that they'll always have each other. Having a 2nd does come with some mommy guilt because your time is definitely divided. And it's guaranteed that they always want you at the same time. But you learn to work it out and you take care of one at a time, or have one help with the other. And of course you will love a second child. There are no boundaries on how much we can love, only on how much we let ourselves.

macchiatto · September 2010

jenn_darrin1515:
well...#1 came with #2 in our case and there is plenty of love to go around...so much that we are considering #3...the financials are tight...but there is no shortage of love and fun and craziness in our house...

Same here. Now obviously I didn't have to deal with taking care of a child while being pregnant with #2 (but I did have to deal with getting up all night with TWO newborns!) but I think you can definitely fall in love with your second child like you did with your first. It's your baby, ya know?

kiwi443 · September 2010

ToBeMrsC6907:
Great post- love reading the other responses!

I agree. This is a question I've been pondering as well.

pink.dutch.tulips · September 2010

i'm on the fence about it. i don't feel like i won't love a 2nd baby as much as my first .. it's the economics of a 2nd that has me terrified. thankfully, i had an easy pg, so i'm not worried about that but what would keep me up at night - the cost of 2 in daycare.

also, i wonder if i have the energy for 2. i work full time AND take care of the house (cook, clean, laundry, errrands, pet care). i feel pretty stretched w/ 1, let alone 2 !

Shayna0182 · September 2010

I would like ds to have a living sibling to grow up with. The way I see it, ds is my second child. I've had 3 three children, we just have had to bury his sisters. Dh and I both each have a sibling, and I want ds to have someone to grow up and play with, but I don't think I can handle losing another child. I wish I could just decide to get pregnant, and then know I would have a child at the end of the 9 months. For us, it hasn't worked out that way. We're putting any thoughts of another child on hold for 2 years. We love ds so much, and enjoy our time with just him.

macchiatto · September 2010

AuburnGirlSC:
I read a great post on here once about this exact same topic. She talked about being a second child and hating to hear other posters talking about having enough alone time with the first child before having a second. She said it was so unfair because that second child never gets that alone time. She said it was basically playing favorites before you even have the second baby. I thought that was very insightful and I have never forgotten it.

That's an interesting perspective. As a third child, I can relate somewhat ... though if a parent doesn't feel ready yet to handle a second (e.g. if the first is still in a high-maintenance phase and they are overwhelmed at the thought) then I think it makes sense to hold off! I would've enjoyed having some alone time to bond with just one baby first and obviously the decision was made for me, but I do think you raise a good point. I think taking the long-term view of this issue is really important, and also agree w/the pp who said pregnancy and infancy are a stage but people are forever.

wellfleet04 · September 2010

I already have 2 kids, 23 months apart. DD is 3y4m and DS is 17m. I honestly never really felt guilty about DD having to share attention because I consider a sibling a GIFT, for our family, and for her. She has someone to share her childhood with, someone to help her when/if DH and I get old, sick, whatever as adults.

I had 23 months alone with DD, and I have alone time with DS now that DD is in preschool in the mornings. I don't feel like either of them is getting cheated. They have my full love, and they have each other.

Jen748 · September 2010

We are 98% sure we are one and done.

amber_tynan · September 2010

NMS

AppleMomma · September 2010

I feel great about it! Especially since I'm 6 months along (just about). I love DS and do get emotional about having to share that love with DD. I know I'll love her bunches, but yeah it's hard to totally imagine right now, even though I talk to her when she wiggles in my tummy, which will help when she's here.

LuvinMyKids · September 2010

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE having a big family. I would love a 5th child! Your heart just grows with each additional child. I love each of my 4 kids for different things and in different ways...but I love them all with all of my heart. And all of the love I get in return is amazing. I feel that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is siblings. Watching them grow up together & play with one-another is awesome!

I am the second of 4 children. There was never a second that I didn't feel loved. Not a second.

TSD · September 2010

I wouldn't want one if you were birthing for it and paying for it. It's not about the love aspect or betrayal. Obviously people have more than one child all the time and love them all. I just didn't enjoy being pregnant- my body not being my own, it's expensive, I made the third bedroom a closet/dressing room for myself, and most importantly, I know myself. One is hard but doable...and he's great. I got lucky. No need to tempt fate.

There's also no guarantee siblings will even like each other. Nor a guarantee that they will band together to take care of you in your old age so the thought that it would be "easier" if caring for elder parents if it was spread out is just silly. It usually ends up being left to one of them- the responsible one. Not willing to have more "in case" they might be BFF's. He's got those already.

Want a personalized experience?

How do you feel about having a second child?

Re: How do you feel about having a second child?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards