F/U: IRL Friend Comparing IVF To Brushing Your Teeth

patchen30 · September 2010

I posted the beginning of this yesterday but after that it got really crazy...I don't know if she was trying to be supportive and it just went sideways or what but it definitely rubbed me the wrong way and I felt she was being insensitive and was saying such ridiculous things it was almost funny. I don't think I'll be talking about IF with her anymore. Here's the conversation, copied and pasted:

Her: How are you? Are feeling any less stressed about what was going on last week? [I was stressing about IVF-related E2 stuff]

Me: Um, I guess I'm feeling a little less stressed about that...I've just been distracted so that's good. I'm really nervous about doing this all over again though. [IVF]

Her: When does everything get started again? Distractions are good, you wont have time to focus on the stress if you can keep yourself occupied with other things.

Me: If everything goes as planned (which you never know), it would get started like in the next week. I mean I can keep myself as busy as I want but when I'm going to the Dr every morning at 7am and giving myself 3 shots a night, there isn't really any way to distract yourself from thinking about it...I seriously wouldn't wish this sh*t on my worst enemy...

Her: Yeah, I guess until you get to the point where this kind of stuff is such a part of your routine, like brushing your teeth, it's impossible for it not to bleed into your other thoughts. I'm sorry it's so stressful.

Me: Well - I don't think going through IVF multiple times - having a Dr. examine you internally on a daily basis, injecting yourself w/ loads of hormones, and going through the cycles of excitement, hope, and devestation - can ever really become as routine as brushing your teeth...not to mention that I don't want to have to do this again so I don't want it to become that routine...

Her: yeah i'm not saying it is ever going to be as routine as brushing your teeth and hopefully never will.

Me: Are you really busy or something? I feel like you're not paying attention to what you're writing.

Her: no, i guess it's coming off the wrong way. i was thinking of like diabetics who have to give themselves injections so regularly, like shower, brush your teeth, injection, etc, that it becomes a part of your routine that it numbs the emotions associated with it.

Me: Yeah, I don't think it's really like that.

Her: that's my point. because it hasn't been a constant you deal with fresh emotions each time.

Me: It's different for a lot of reasons.

vanessagorc · September 2010

I'm so sorry u have to deal with this...especailly w all of the stress of starting to cycle again.

At least she doesn't seem intentionally insensative. Just really clueless, which is obviously hurtful.

DeputiesWife · September 2010

gee, are we talking to the same person right now.

my friend is doing the same things to me.

it hurts. I am sorry. Some people just dont know how to be tactful about things.

::hugs::

njohnson1972 · September 2010

I think you need to cut your friend some slack.

She is trying. She doesn't understand what we go through. None of us really understood IF until it happened to us.

She is trying to put it terms that she can relate to - problem is she has never gone through what you are going through. So it doesn't really work.

But I think she is trying to be supportive.

Shelley-Bean · September 2010

Your friend really doesn't get it AT ALL. Injecting yourself with insulin is completely different from injecting yourself with hormones and dealing with the stress day in and day out of an IVF cycle.

I'm so sorry :-(

patchen30 · September 2010

njohnson1972:

I think you need to cut your friend some slack.

She is trying. She doesn't understand what we go through. None of us really understood IF until it happened to us.

She is trying to put it terms that she can relate to - problem is she has never gone through what you are going through. So it doesn't really work.

But I think she is trying to be supportive.

I'm not saying I think she's being intentionally insensitive, but her responses ARE hurting me and I feel that I need to look out for my own mental health first right now, so I'm just not going to talk to her about this anymore. It's just not going well every time we try.

hopefulmommy · September 2010

When I'm going through a rough time I tend to stop talking to certain friends about IF/treatment stuff because I know that no matter what they say, it will somehow come across wrong and/or offensive. Like PP said, we had no idea about any of this at one point. Unless they've gone through it, they really are incapable of understanding.

k-mart · September 2010

Sounds like she just doesn't get it. Maybe you are right and she is preoccupied with something and she thinks insulin injections are the same as IVF - yeah. I wish there was a way to open her eyes to it all so she would understand. I'm so sorry you have to deal with her.

dandlelyon · September 2010

Those conversations are just no fun and only add unneeded stress. Sorry.

That conversation with your friend reminds me of a recent convo I had with a clueless bestie. She tried comforting me when I found out about my FHS, tubes, MFI, ect with "at least now you know you just aren't bad at it (meaning reproducing)".

Fertiles are dumb.

AuburnBride06 · September 2010

I agree with njohnson, I think she really is trying. And honestly, I don't really disagree with her. At least IMO, injections & all the countless monitoring appointments actually have (well had, since before we decided to adopt) become "routine". As in, they became our normal. In fact, that is actually how I often describe treatments to friends. We had been at it for so long, that it was our normal. It was something we had to do in order to try and achieve a pregnancy and until we decided to pursue our adoption, it was just something we had to do and had become very used to it. It wasn't any more weird or out of sorts for us than my dad doing his insulin every day. I think that is more what she was trying to go for, and I agree. But we all feel differently and non infertiles just can't understand, but I thinnk she is trying, which is more than I can say for our "friends". To me, weeks of follistim & lovenox shots are not "un normal". Does that make sense? I do not think she was trying to down play it or reduce what you are going through at all.

But I agree with you that sometimes you just can't talk about this stuff to people who haven't been through it. Depending on what kind of IF day we are having, things they say can totally rub us the wrong way, even if there is nothing insensitive about what they say. It seems like we add another person to the lists everyday of who we can talk to and who we can't.

07may07 · September 2010

((hugs)). I agree with the other ladies that it does seem like your friend is trying (just not saying the right things and/or the things you need to hear for support). I think you are right to not continue talking about your IF with her. It upsets you and you don't need to be upset when you are going through your cycles.

Even though she doesn't completely get it, it sounds like she does care about you. Instead of talking IF with her, we're always here for you. I'd like to think that we get it Smile

meg_koole · September 2010

I agree with your friend, and with Auburn about things becoming routine and totally get her and Auburns point. But what a lot of people, at least my friends and I think your specific friend, don't understand that as much as these things become routine, or our normal, it doesn't stop you from constantly thinking about it unfortunately.

I think the coversation you had with her is just like ones all of us have with a lot of people when they tell you to relax, she is just saying it in a "nicer" way. I don't think that you can just sit back and relax when everything you are doing has to revolve around your IF. I mean you can't even make plans without considering your IF treatment schedules! That is where people don't get it IMHO...

Sorry you are going through this. I find as I get deeper into this journey I am talking about it with a lot less people. Basically now the only people I talk to about it are people that have been through it before because I can't handle having another uneducated drawn out coversation with an IF ignorant person!!!

miesl · September 2010

I think your friend is trying... she just isn't getting it.

With insulin shots - it is routine. After the first few weeks of shots (DH started on insulin last winter) - it's your new normal. It just is, and there's no end in sight.

IF shots change from day to day... and you have the potential for an end point. The highs and lows of IF treatment aren't like most chronic illnesses. With IF, there's the thought that "One day this will work, and I'll never have to do this again" - and that makes it hard and not routine.

deputysgirl · September 2010

njohnson1972:

.....She is trying. She doesn't understand what we go through. None of us really understood IF until it happened to us. She is trying to put it terms that she can relate to - problem is she has never gone through what you are going through. So it doesn't really work. But I think she is trying to be supportive.....

Yes, I agree. I don't think she meant the entire process is a as benign as dental hygene, but rather the act of a daily shot becoming routine. I may also understand since this morning I was just thinking about how I get so caught up in doctors appts and schedules and instructions and medicines that sometimes I lose sight of what I'm doing this for. I feel really guilty for feeling that way, but treatments seem like a way of life right now (for me). And I think I cope that way rather than "really" think about it all the time because I'd just be depressed.

Good luck with your upcoming cycle. Try not to stress too much! (easier said than done!)

JMay · September 2010

I don't know how close you are with this person, but she sounds like she's trying really hard to be supportive, and got stuck in a bad spot. I agree w/ PP, I'd cut her some slack. It does not at all sound as if she was being insensitive, just that she's never been through IF. (No that it makes it any easier for you)

Remember that not knowing what IF is like should not count against a friend who wants the best for you.

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