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2nd Trimester
BabyyMamma
member
NBR....my friend is being abused
BabyyMamma
member
SO I have a friend whos being abused by her husband. (physically and emotionally) and she keeps believing his "im sorrys". SHE keeps calling me and complaining...I told her she cant keep calling me and complaining about him if she was not going to do something about it. I offered to let her come stay with me. I feel thats harsh telling her not to complain unless shes gonna get herself out of it, but ive tried puppys and rainbows with her and its not working. WWYD?
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Re: NBR....my friend is being abused
idk.... i think its great you had the confidence to tell her to quit whining if she's not going to do anything tho.
maybe... just say what you said again but as a final time.
something....
"I think its terrible what you're going through and I want to be a good friend. But I don't think just listening to you talk about it is really being a good friend. So if you need to get away for ____ (insert set amount of time she's aloud to stay with you) to get things figured out to leave him, such as divorce papers a job and an attorney, my home is open. Otherwise you need to find someone else to vent to about it because I don't feel comfortable not doing anything."
but thats a bit forward. there's probably a better way to say it.
She is probably trapped financially or at least that is often the case. I don't think giving her an ultimatum will work, it will likely make her feel like she can't "bug" you anymore and she will likely pull away becoming more trapped and isolated. I think a really good thing to do would be to look up the local Haven Society/womens shelter or something along those lines. They will probably have a counselor who can help you, help her. They will also probably help her move out of his house and find her employment so she can get on her feet and away from him. I know you are pregnant and you have your own stuff going on right now, but I think you will feel better if you can help her get on with her life. I'd try to get in touch with a womens' shelter, it might be years before she leaves him, but at least you can feel like you tried.
that was pretty much my response....
I hate just sitting here knowing its happening and not doing anything but If shes not gonna help herself theres nothing I can do
So Frustrating!!!!!
Give her Tough Love sister!..you are pregnant and don't need this additional stress!
didn't even think of the shelter idea.
There comes a time where the person, no matter how difficult, needs to take the situation into their own hands. You cannot make her do anything she isn't willing to do.
You are in such a delicate situation. I am sure you want to be supportive and be there for her but hearing the same thing over and over yet she isn't willing to make a change is frustrating.
I think if you are willing to give her a place to stay and she accepts, that is a great start. But if she doesn't accept then she isn't ready to take that step yet. At that point I would tell her that you are there for her and your home is open to her when she is ready but for the time being there is not anything you can do if she is not ready.
thanks
I know how she feels I have been in this same position (but b/f not husband) and she knows this. I didnt tell her I would abandon her and leave her in the dust. I told her that complaining to me about it wasent going to change anything. And that she couldnt complain if she wasent going to do anything about it because nothings going to change. I told her that shes welcome to stay with me and that im here for her but complaining is useless without some sort of action
Sorry - I misread. I hope the best from her. I too have been in a situation but had to find out for myself. I wish her the best of luck.
I hate the position your in. I was there myself a few years ago.
My (old) best friend was in a position like this. Even when they were dating, her husband was very controlling. I saw red flags all over that, she didn't. After they got married it got worse. She was rarely allowed to go anywhere and when she did, he would call her non-stop and then she would be 'in trouble" when she got home. He's not physically abusive to her ie hitting, slapping, grabbing but he breaks things, punches things, throws things, etc.
They are still together now. She doesn't anywhere with anyone. We rarely talk now and never hang out. I finally had to realize that there was nothing I could do to get her to leave. I had to take a huge step back and realize there was nothing I could do anymore to help her. He knew I didn't like him, and all the sudden I stopped being invited to her kids birthday parties and things like that. I wish she would leave him, but she won't and probably never will and there is nothing I can do about that.
It sounds like you understand where she's coming from, and have tried a lot. You're sweet to help her. The bottom line is that she has to be able to quit him cold turkey, or she'll always go back. I hope all women in these situations can get to that point quickly! She doesn't want the professional help because she doesn't think she needs it, or doesn't want to be embarrassed by it. Sad. Best wishes for all.
And BTW, you look totally great for 26 weeks. I'm jealous!
I am in a situation similar to this to with one of my friends that I have known my entire life. Her situation is different because it is a boyfriend, not husband, but it is still just as frustrating to know what to do. He has threatened her life and her family's life in the past and I seriously feel like her life is in jeopardy at times with him (he once actually put an ax to her throat).
My best friend, who is also her friend, works for a crisis hotline and learned a lot of things in dealing with domestic violence situations that we have decided to apply to the situation. We told her to memorize our numbers if in case she ever needed us and also to keep the location of our homes secret in case she ever needed to use them as a safe house. We just reassured her that we love her and are here. Other than that though we try to detour the subject away from him on a day to day basis. It really does just become too draining to hear all the time. I wish you and your friend the luck with the situation.
THANKS I needed a compliment today
if you've told her what she needs to do straight up and she still does not do anything abou it then there is nothing you can do. You can report it to the authorities as well but she would have to press charges for the police to be able to intervene. Sadly all you can do is just sit back and wait and hope that she grows a brain. Continue to let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you. Its a tough call because if you tell her that you don;t want to hear about it then she may stop calling you and then you would worry, but I see that its frustrating that she can't see what is in front of her face.
You are really closing a door to her with this comment. I know it's frustrating to listen to her complaints when she is seemingly not doing anything about it. But, the fact is by simply complaining about it, she is taking a step in the right direction. Many abused women don't even feel the strength to complain!!!
All that you can do is be there for her and let her know without a doubt that you are there for her now and when she is ready to leave him. Listen to her, repeat over and over that you are there for her, but please don't close that door by telling her not to complain to you. All that you are doing with that type of comment is giving her the message that you don't want to hear about it even if you mean to.......
It took my sister 10 years to feel confident to leave her abusive husband. Early on she didn't complain. at. all. She hid it from everyone. It was only when she started telling/complaining about him that she started to believe that she could leave. Through complaining to us, we were able to verify to her that what he was doing was wrong and that she deserved better.