- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Babies: 9 - 12 Months
MrserinJ
member
WWYD? I'm confused
MrserinJ
member
I'm wondering how I should react to this situation. I don't want to go on about the fact that my mom passed away last week from cancer, but it does play into this story. I posted last night about my MIL that I'm kind of having a hard time with, and this has to do with my IL's too.
I understand that some people are awkward and weird about death, I really do. However, my DH's younger brother (who is 22), has not even acknowledged that my mom has been sick. She was sick for 2 months before she died and he called once, but didn't even mention the fact that we were going through a rough time. We are close with him and he also knew my mom well as we were next door neighbors for 10 years. I thought this was odd and we were both kind of hurt, but never said anything to him about it. Well, on Saturday, he did come to the funeral but never said a word to me. Finally, I went up to him and said Hi, BIL, he said "Hi Erin", I said "How are you?" He said "I'm fine" and I'm not joking you, walked away. I was completely stunned. He acted like nothing had happened. To this day, he has not even acknowledged my mom was sick, let alone the fact that she died. Now, I know that people sometimes don't know how to react, but is it too much to say "I'm sorry for your loss?". Anyways, I just didn't say anything and just tried to forget about it, although it was hurtful.
As you may know, having a funeral is stressful and exhausting. We had family until yesterday. We were looking forward to just relaxing this week/weekend. We had plans to hang out with my other BIL and his wife who we are very very close with, and just relax on Saturday night. I saw MIL last night and she said "Well, you know its your little brother's birthday this weekend and we have to have a dinner for him." This was fine, but she said "Well, he doesn't want to do it Friday night or Sunday night so we have to do it Saturday". I said "Oh well, we actually had plans to have BIL and SIL over, so maybe we can do it another day?" She replied "Oh, well I'll just bring a cake out and you can do dinner for him here". I was a litle taken aback by this, because well, I thought it was rude. I don't know if I'm over reacting, but I really don't feel like hosting ANOTHER family event after doing numerous ones last week. Also, I really don't feel like going out of my way for someone who can't even say I'm sorry for your loss to me, and just really hasn't gone out of their way for us.
I guess I'm just exhausted. Is this bad of me? We told her we can't do Saturday and SIL and other BIL agree with us. SIL has her own big problems with MIL (she's just a selfish person in general). I'm feeling kind of guilty but I'm just not up to it and to be honest, I'm still hurt. What do you think about this? Am I being immature? Thanks for your honest opinion!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWYD? I'm confused
You are not wrong, and you are being a lot nicer than I would in your shoes. You deserve to take care of yourself and to set whatever boundaries you need to right now. Also, I think your DH should have a talk with both his brother and his mother.
I didn't see your post about your mom, but I am very sorry. I know this must be an incredibly difficult time for you and the last thing you should be worried about is IL drama.
I think it takes brass balls not to realize that someone might not be in a position to host a birthday party the week after she says goodbye to her mother.
Tell your husband you just aren't up to it, and ask him to please take care of this for you.
First, I haven't been on in awhile and want to say how sorry i am for you loss. Having been in your situation you are doing the right thing by not hosting. You need time to yourself and with your family to properly grieve and get in that tiny bit a healing that can happen at this point. One of the main things that the grief groups and counseling I went to stressed it that this is a time to spoil yourself. You need to do what is best for yourself and not any one else.
BIL probably has no idea how to react. He has experienced a loss also. he may not know how to react to you since you are going through something so much more difficult and his way of dealing with the awkwardness that can come with not sharing feelings (which most men do) is to avoid it all together. Maybe try and approach him and let him know you understand he has experienced a loss and you are there for him.