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1st Trimester
klee831
member
Did I overreact? (sorry, long)
klee831
member
Ok so i guess i should tell you right off the bat that my MIL and I have not always had the best relationship. She is the type of person who doesnt exactly think before she speaks or acts. I would be opening a whole new can of worms by going into depth about that, so I will get to the point.
I got pregnant in January of this year. when we told her, we explained that we were only telling immediate family, yet she told some people, who in turn told my grandparents (who i wanted to surprise with the news). So, i didnt get to tell them which made me kind of upset. Well I ended up having a miscarriage in March and had to tell them bad news instead of good.
In July I found out I was pregnant again, and this time when we told her, we said point blank "Dont tell anyone". She said that she wouldnt and that was that. This time I wanted to wait until the second trimester because when I lost the first baby, it broke my heart every time we had to tell people.
Fast forward to this weekend, I receieved a call from my sister asking me what to do about an email from my aunt asking if i was pregnant. I wasnt sure where she would get that info from since we have only told immediate family and made sure to tell them not to tell anyone. My sister said it might have something to do with someones post on your facebook. UMMMM WHAT? A lady had posted that she heard i was expecting on my facebook page, and congrats. I took the post down, explained to the lady why, but also asked how she found out that news. She explained that she saw it on someones facebook page but "couldnt remember who". I just happened to take a gander at my MIL's facebook page and lo and behold, there it was.
Now, my husband is VERY passive to the point where he really gives new meaning to the word, ESPECIALLY with his mother. He didnt see the big deal. I tried very hard to explain to him that this is was our news and we should have the right to say when it is shared, even moreso when we told her NOT TO TELL. So, unfortunatley, I had to make the call. I was very calm and cool about it. I explained what happened, and then asked her why she posted something on a public forum, when we specifically asked her not to tell anyone. You would've thought that i asked her to come over to my house so I could cut her hand off. She completely tried to turn herself into the victim, was crying, screaming, and yelling at me. I mean, it was nuts. All the while, I didnt raise my voice once.
She said "I know now that i will never live up to your expectations, so I'm sorry if I offended you, but I am who I am"
Uhhhh is that an apology? Am I overreacting about this?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Did I overreact? (sorry, long)
No, you are not over reacting.
However, the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," does come to mind. If you didn't want her to share the news, you probably shouldn't have told her. She proved to you first time around what she was made of.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, though.
I think it should've been your DH's job to put his mother in her place. But it seems like he never will, so you will always look like the bad person when you stand up to your MIL.
*lurking from 2nd tri*
I think you have a right to be upset, but also, not to be harsh - but you should have known better. Your MIL has proven this is how she handles your wishes, so it shouldn't be a huge surprise that she did it again.
I also strongly believe that the news of a new baby is NOT just the news for the parents-to-be. The grandparents-to-be are also very excited. I don't think it's fair to tell someone this secret and then ask them to keep it to themselves. If you weren't able to keep the secret between the two of you, why should she be expected to? Yes, she should have respected your wishes, but you have to understand her side too.
Her reaction is nuts. The best thing to do is learn from this, and watch what you tell her in the future.
BFP #2 ~ 4/22/2010 ~ EDD 12/29/2010 ~ Born 12/19/2010 ~ My Rainbow Baby
BFP #3 ~ 6/10/2012 ~ EDD 2/20/2013 ~ HB 100bpm @ 9w3d ~ M/C 7/11/2012
BFP #4 ~ 3/16/2013 ~ EDD 11/20/2013 ~ Born 11/17/2013 ~ Rainbow Baby #2
That stinks! I'm sorry.
When did she make the post? By looking at your ticker you are 12 weeks. I wonder if she thought that since you were in your 12th week she was in the clear (since the definition is not the same to everyone when the second tri starts) Even still, you stated it was your announcement so she was still in the wrong. You are strong for not yelling back though, I probably would have been hateful and screamed something like "well then I guess you will be the last to find out the gender and the name if you are going to act like this" and then slammed the phone down. I've been rather moody and emotional lately so kudos to you for keeping it together!!!!
Well I def wanted to wait to tell her but DH didnt think it was fair to tell my parents, his Dad, and not his mom, which I get, i can't really argue with that. And the issue of the way she handled the news of the first pregnancy was brought up and DH said "that is why we are going to tell her to not say anything, and she WILL be expected not to" So, i was going off of that.
Yes, I agree, that it is news for the grandparents as well, and she is very excited. Trust me, I totally get that. But I also think with a delicate situation like a miscarriage, and not quite knowing whether it can happen again, these things need to weighed back and forth, and not be posted on a public forum.
I totally agree. You made it clear the first time that you didn't want it public news. She blatantly ignored you. Why would it be any different this time?
No you most certiantly are not over reacting. I would make it clear to DH that with any future children she will be included in the "do not tell" list until everyone else knows. She had her chance and lied to you on more than one occasion and if God forbid you misscarrry again she can be the one who tells everyone what happened not you. I would go along the lines of something like this ---> someone asks "how is your pregnancy going" you say "go ask my mother-in-law".
Second thing for me is this. Hate when people bad mouth their husbands on the internet or to their freinds or family however you need to make it clear to him that when he said "I do" he lost the ability to support his mother above you. Especially when you are pregnant with his child.
yeah you guys are right. I guess after having the miscarraige, that I was hoping that she would've handled it differently. Ahhh well. Lesson learned.
thanks for the feedback, I hope all of your pregnancies go wonderfully
I agree. I wouldn't have told her the second time around, because she has a history of opening her mouth. It sounds like DH needs to man up and confront his mommy.
This. I agree with you. It is your news to tell or not tell. It wasn't right for her to post that in a public forum when you asked her to keep it to herself. Lesson learned, she doesn't find out until the rest of the world finds out next time. She's proved herself to be not trustworthy.
Oh wow! I would have probably ripped her head off and ripped my husbands off as well!
My MIL is a really sweet person but she tends to get in our business which I hate. If she did this I would tell her "this will be the last time we tell you any information, because apparently you can't keep your mouth shut!"...just like that, maybe then she really would be a victim. Gosh I hate when they take the victim card out, really?! C'mon!
Anyway I've learned how to deal with my MIL and trust me I had to use my b!tch card and that calmed her down.
Oh and to what she said at the end of the conversation I would have said "Oh please don't pull that bull sh!it out, you're not a child and therefore we should expect for you to act like an adult!"
I'm pretty sure there are other ways of resolving this problem but for me there are not especially for someone who acts like this...GL!
This.
Sorry you're going through this - it sucks..
I agree with the other posters how you def. shouldn't have trusted her to keep her mouth shut after she didn't respect your wishes during your first pregnancy.. (I'm sorry to hear that you miscarried)
I guess it's just a lesson you'll need to take with you into future pregnancies.. not to tell her until you're ready for the world to know!
Also, your DH needs to grow a set with regards to communicating with his mom so you're not always the "bad guy".
Good luck!
ugh what a nightmare MIL. I would have been mad if she'd posted on FB after being told not to tell anyone, but in light of the fact that you miscarried your previous pregnancy i would be FREAKING LIVID. Does she have no sensitivity to the fact that you are not comfortable with telling the whole world if you lost your baby? What a horrid, selfish woman.
I know that my MIL is a gossip and my mom can't keep her mouth shut, so this time around we have told no one so far-- not telling anyone until we don't mind everyone knowing. It is just easier this way.
this is the post that I was agreeing with in my response about your DH needing to stand up for you, even if he doesn't think it's a big deal.. obviously you do, so that's what should count.
That really does suck, but as others have said, you probably shouldn't have told her again if you wanted to keep it a secret. She already showed you she can't keep a secret so I'm not sure why you thought she would this time.
That being said, she shouldn't have done it, especially after you told her not to and she acknowledged your request. I fail to see how she could possibly turn it around and make herself the victim, she must be one manipulative lady. Perhaps she has never had a m/c and so does not understand the pain that goes with that and the desire you have to not share that with the world if it happens again.
Additionally, I would have a long talk with DH about this. It is his place to talk to MIL and confront her about what she did, not yours. It's not fair that he gets to sit back and be the good child while you make yourself look like a witch. You need to be a united front so to speak when it comes to MIL and you can't do that alone.
Mistake number 1: You shouldn't have told her until you are out of First Tri...My MIL is the same way, I could have written the first paragraph...but add to it that she thinks aliens will take over the body of anyone over 30 who hasn't had kids yet (I am 32) and she has wanted a grandchild since the minute DH and I started dating...so needless to say she doesn't know yet and I am so glad we have stuck to it this far.
The main reason is b/c God forbid I do have a m/c she will blame my age...and say it out loud...I know she will...."well that happens to women over 30, you know"...even though she has no right to say that. She had DH at 20 and thinks that I am ancient and crumbling at 32.
This way when we are ready to tell her, it will be time to tell everyone and she won't have to keep it in.
no sh.t? holy lord, that's horrible!! and I thought my MIL was bad!
So again, I don't think you overreacted at all. It was your news and you wanted to tell people on your own time. I totally understand!
I will say though, that you have a DH issue if he won't stand up for the both of you. My DH completely understands his mother's issues and would go postal on her if she did something like this. You said he didn't think it was fair to tell everyone but her and she WILL be expected to keep it a secret. But she didn't and he didn't stand up for you. Why is it that he can stand up to you in telling you she has to know, but he can't stand up to her? I would have a long conversation with him, because I'm guessing that with a MIL like her, you will have other issues in the future and if you always have to stand up for her, you will always be the bad guy and that's not fair.
What was your husband's reaction when he found out she yelled at you?
Personally, I think you underreacted. You handled it in a mature and calm manner but in situations like this I don't think there is anything wrong with showing your true feelings.
I also need to ask? Why is your husband more concerned about his mommy's feelings than yours?