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Blended Families
? on final CO re:visitation - long
Backstory - DH was awarded temp custody of SD last year. We are finally seeing the judge for final hearing next week. All of a sudden BM wants to settle everything out of court (no way) and is attempting to set up visitation, etc through email with the lawyers. We live in one state, she lives in another with family and our CO is in the original state where we all lived when this started.
Can you look this over and see if it is fair or similar to what you might have with a non-custodial parent in another state?
Thanksgiving - even year to BM, odd year to BD (BM wanted every year - we said no)
Christmas - even year to BD for 1st half, even year to BM for last half (BM requested this and even though it was never that way for my DH when he was noncustodial, we thought that since the break was long (about 2 weeks) that it was ok)
Spring Break - odd year with BM, even year with BD (BM wanted every year - we said no)
Summer Break - 7 weeks with BM with a specific start date (BM balked at this and said she wants 3/4 of summer so we upped it to 8 weeks - which she still thinks is unfair)
we want pretty finite dates because of past issues with BM waiting until she has SD in hand and then refusing to set a date for return or set a schedule - this past summer she waited almost 4 weeks into the summer to make arrangements and we had to scramble to find childcare and each week she said she was coming and never did... a family member of her's finally made arrangements to get SD
BM is also demanding that we split all travel costs with her for SD to visit her... for the last 4+ years we have paid all travel associated with SD visiting us so we don't see where we can be mandated to assist her in travel costs.. has anyone had this situation?
We are trying to stick with the "standard" visitation - what is the norm for our state.
Also, what type of stipulations can we put in the CO about living arrangements? SD was pulled due BM's living arrangements, lack of food, dirty, etc... BM is now living at a family member's house and when SD was visiting this summer she was made to sleep on an air mattress in a shared bedroom with the BM.. I thought that the child had to have a room or a bed or something... also concerned when she finally is able to move out that she has a suitable roommate and a bed for SD..
Do you think we are fair on the above agreement?
Thanks... ready for all of it to be over!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: ? on final CO re:visitation - long
I would not be comfortable sending her to BMs for a longer than a week or two, tops.
DH doesn't like it either so that is why we are hoping to address it in court... I just don't know what we can have them stipulate and not... and this will give her a good year to try and get her crap together by next summer.
Good thing is that BM is living with a relative and her sisters are in the area and spent 60% of the summer with SD while BM looked for work... so there are other people out there watching out for her instead of BM being by herself in a state with no support system.
Bed- No they are not required to have their own room. My SS got released back to his BM for our usual every other day switch. And get this, she is living in a one bedroom duplex with her boyfriend, his two year old, his uncle, his uncles wife, and boyfriends mom. Yes that is six people in a one bed duplex, when SS goes there it is 7. He shares a couch with the two year old as far as we know. CPS said it was important for him to see his mother on a regular basis so as not to upset their relationship. He has his own room at our house. There are many other issues, not just the bed thing, that upset me about my case but I won't go into it.
Year switching- Yes I think that the whole odd and even year switch is pretty commmon at least from what I have read on here of others' CO's. We are still waiting for a court date in about a month to set out the nitty gritty.
Summer- Also from what I have heard on here, the summer break is really long. Most NCP get 3-4 weeks. That being two in the beginning and two in the end of some variation of that. I think 8 weeks is extreme.
Dates- Definately get dates and even times in the CO. It will only help when issues arise, I do know that from previous experience.
Travel costs- that is sticky and usually up to the judge depending on who moved, who can afford it more, etc. A lot of times if you offer to help out with a portion of them, you will end up doing half anyways. You will be lucky if they don't make you guys pay for all travel costs because you did move away not her.
Living conditions- Yes you can also add in there living conditions. I have seen people add that the house must be clean and the child must have their own "space". Space being very vague in some cases may just be that they have a pull-out sofa bed and a plastic container to keep toys or clothes in while staying there. In situations where the child isn't there 50% of the time, I don't think they will be required to have their own room.
Hopefully this helps you, we are going through the same thing right now except BM live 30 minutes away. We are custodial parents until court so I really hope that goes well and they grant DH full custody.
GL to you!!!
How far apart are you?
Holy batman on the number of people in the duplex... so sorry for your SS... In our original state when all of this started, my DH (who was my FI at the time) could not reside in the same house as me because we were unmarried and an "immoral situation" (deep south, bible belt)... we were getting married soon anyways so we just sped it up with the JofP before court so that it would not be a bargaining point.
We always got SD for the majority of the summer (normally 6 weeks) when we were the NCP so we were attempting to be kind.. but I looked up our "standard" state rules for visitation and it says 2-4 weeks.. I'm sure our lawyer will remind her lawyer of that...
I am waiting for a call back from our lawyer... he seems to think that we will not be responsible for the travel.. if SD was just going to BM's house, I could see us helping out (we are about 8 hours away now that she moved) but BM takes every visitation and ships SD all over the country to various family members so the price tag gets to be pretty hefty. Her parents have been footing the bill for the last 18 months so I think they have cut her off and we might be her only option .. sucks that if she planned ahead a flight to and from (we both are near MAJOR airports) would be about $100.
I have offered to drive 1/2 way (DH works every weekend) but that never works for BM... I guess I am getting tired of bending over backwards and I am really attempting to not be petty when we set this up... but it is hard since she has gone out of her way to make it difficult for everyone. Last spring break, DH parents offered to pay for SD to visit them where BM was living so that SD could visit with her aunt, uncle and cousins who BM had not let her see when she was living there. BM had no money for any travel and was not going to see SD... DH parents said they would pay for SD to travel to the state and that BM could split the visit. We had to change flights around etc because of unaccompanied minor and so SD had to come in a day later. BM waited until she was there to then demanded that they hand over SD the day they picked her up.. threatened the police, etc... so DH parents paid all that money ($300+) and got to have dinner with SD and then had to hand over SD to BM. DH is attempting to diffuse the situation from 1200 miles away and once BM got SD she handed her off to a friend for the balance of the visit.
Sorry... got to stop the rant... my blood pressure boils every time I think of it.
That is what I was thinking...
We are pushing for child support also and have figured it by the state calculator so it should cover insurance and childcare - she has not paid anything in the last 20 months towards any of SDs stuff...
I think all of a sudden all of this is sinking in to BM.. she has spent the last 2 years just skating by on unemployment.. defrauding the state on food stamps (which she was caught attempting to sell for cash) and now everything is coming crashing down. I hate the situation for her but this woman is 40 years old and should be thinking about her D.. I actually think she may have gotten used to the lack of responsibility and has become complacent to the entire situation.
I also think the pro bono attorney has informed her that once this is set she will have to find us an unfit household or have a very big change in status on her end to go back to being the custodial parent. She will also lose her free attorney since any further issues will have to go through SD's home state.
Hate the upheaval for my SD but just want her to have some stability in her life.
We don't live out of state from BM, but the standard order for parents that live more than 100 miles apart are below. But if BM's environment is questionable, I would definitely try to push for less visitation.
Weekends: the non-custodial parent has the right to elect either the first, third or fifth weekend or any one weekend during the month with adequate advance notice.
The Christmas holiday: Season is divided into two parts. Part one is from the day school is dismissed until noon on December 26 and the part two is from noon on December 26 until school resumes after the Christmas vacation. One year the ?primary? custodian will have the child for the first half and the next year they will have the child for the second half. The non-custodial parent with visitation rights will have possession of the child for the other half of the Christmas vacation.
The Thanksgiving holiday: Season is divided by odd and even years. One parent is entitled to possession for this vacation period in odd-numbered years and the other parent is entitled to possession in even-numbered years.
Summer: the non-custodial parent is entitled to 42 days of possession during the summer months.
Spring Break: the non-custodial parent is entitled to possession of the child every spring break