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Postpartum Depression
pnwmama11
member
PPD or Guilt? (Long) :(
pnwmama11
member
My LO is 4 weeks old, and was born at 35 weeks. He spent his first 10 days of life in the NICU, and because I was unable to BF I started pumping right away. I continued to pump, and for the past 3 weeks I've dealt with a yeast infection on my nipples, severe cracking, and mastitis twice. Last weekend I was in the ER because the antibiotics for mastitis were not working, and it kept returning no matter what antibiotic I was put on. I was running a high fever and so they put me on antibiotics that I could no longer pump with. Watching my milk dry up has made me feel like a complete failure as a Mother, I feel like I couldn't even give birth to a term baby and because of that he had to suffer in the NICU. The only thing that I could do for him at that point was give him Breast milk and now I couldn't even do that. I feel extreme jealously everytime I hear about someone who had a normal birth experience, and got to spend those first nights in the hospital with LO, Breastfeed, have that homecoming experience etc. For some reason I'm having a really hard time moving past what happened with the birth of my son. It's confusing because he has been home now, and is doing well and I just LOVE being his Mommy. I still can't get past the feelings of sadness though about everything that has happened.
Opinions? Does this sound like Mommy guilt or maybe something more. Thank you so much for reading!
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Re: PPD or Guilt? (Long) :(
You should feel great that you breastfed and much as you did, it definitly sounds like it wasnt easy. Also, I am sorry about you birth experience, but glad your baby is thriving.
When I stopped breastfeeding, I felt really guilty about it. And then one day I just realized that I did the best I could. My child is being fed, and loved and cared for and thats all that matters.
I would bring up the feelings your having with your doctor, especially if they don't get better and are interfering with your life. Good luck!
I had a lot of guilt when I stopped breast feeding too. I just wasn't producing enough to keep him full and pumping wasn't even getting my supply to the place that it needed to be.
After almost 4 months I gave up. LO was fighting me every time I tried and the pumping was so time consuming! I was also barely getting enough to give him one full bottle a day. My mom said to me sometimes you have to make a decision that's going to be the best for both of you and make both of you happy. Like PP said your baby is loved and well cared for and that's all that matters.
While my son was never in the NICU my birth experience was less than ideal and I feel that I was robbed of the joy that I should have had the day that I gave birth to my first born. I still am a little bitter about it too but I've realized that I just need to let it go. At the end of the day I have a beautiful, happy, healthy son and seeing him really is the light of my day.
I hope you're able to move past it but if not definitely reach out for some help. GL!
With DS1 I had a picture perfect delivery and totally failed at BF'ing - between a low supply & a bad latch that never got better, we both suffered for 8 weeks before I threw in the towel and switched to formula. The switch was the best thing for us, but it took me a long time to reconcile the fact that it just didn't work out for us. I felt a ton of guilt about it, mostly centering on my body's inability to provide for my child. Even 3 years later there are days when it still hits me.
If it's really affecting you, I'd talk to your doctor. Given all the trauma you've been through between the NICU and then you being sick, it might be post partum issues.
{{hugs}}
I felt guilty when I stopped too...I was also suffering from PPD and I think for me it was a little of both. It sounds like you've had an emotional start. Just remember, as a mother- you will always do what you think is the best thing for your child at that time. The decisions you are making for your LO are in the best interest of you and your LO, and you should feel great that you kept up with it as long as you did!
I'm sorry your experience of giving birth was not what you had expected or originally hoped for. Definitely let your doc know how you are feeling, they will be able to determine how to best help you if you need to get back on track.
Remember- you are not alone, lots of women have these feelings/experiences...hang in there and congrats on your baby coming home and doing so well!
I had a pretty traumatic birth experience (pre-e/mag/27+hour induction turned c-section) and was unable to see either of my babies, who were in the Special Care Nursery, for 2 whole days. DD was brought into my room for 15 minutes on that second day and I didn't see DS until the following day. It was wretched. I had fully planned on BFing/pumping but was SO sick at the hospital (like PP I'd be like, "Oh yeah - the babies, can someone check on them?") that I barely felt like sitting up and only pumped maybe 6x during my entire 6 day stay. Then once I got home I had NO time to pump and neither baby wanted to latch. That coupled with the tons of visitors had me throwing in the towel after just one week. My babies have been almost exclusively FF from the very beginning. I feel so much guilt over it that I almost want another baby just to prove to myself I can do it, even though on the other hand I don't want another baby because it's SO HARD with these 2. UGH. But I definitely feel for you. *hugs*