- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Houston Babies
Conflicted. Tell me if you agree with this.
I was talking to my doctor about my stress levels yesterday, and I mentioned the Candy Land incident, when I used Sam's cheating "because he wanted to win" as an opportunity to teach him that it was wrong, and why.
My doctor said (paraphrasing), "So? Let him win. He'll have plenty of opportunities to learn that cheating is wrong, like if he plays sports, or in school. And he wants to win, so let him win for now. He has that fire in him, and that'll make him driven and successful in life. If you always hold him back, however his methods, you may kill that part of his personality."
I am conflicted over this. I can see her reasoning. A huge part of parenting that causes me so much stress is I'm always on both kids to act properly in certain situations, and teach them about how the world works. Which obviously is important to raise them properly. But I tend to take EVERY opportunity as a learning experience and correct them. Constantly. I know this is causing me stress. But I feel the need to do it because it's my responsibility as a mother to teach them these things. But I guess maybe Sam is getting to that age where he's going to start learning things externally, from other people, classmates, experiences, etc. I've planted the seeds, and now I need to let go and let them grow.
She actually gave me a challenge. "Go two days without correcting him at all, as long as no one is in danger of being hurt."
So what do you think? Is she totally right? Am I overthinking this mothering stuff?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Conflicted. Tell me if you agree with this.
I agree - you're an awesome mom, Dana!
I also agree with Suzi-G...try the challenge and see how it feels afterward; I can imagine that this is difficult, especially with a child at Sam's age who is in school and learning lessons from others, like you said.
What I wonder though, is if this is a situation where he's going to learn better from his peers than from his mom. It's amazing how kids tune out their parents, even at younger ages than this (hello my almost two year old!)
I think it's pretty neat advice and something interesting to try. I know Marion is a lot younger than Sam, but I find myself constantly correcting little behaviors on her part that really don't matter in the long run. It's just like this parenting instinct I have to be correcting her.
j+k+m+e | running with needles
Hey Nanner - first off, you are a great mama, how do I know this? Because you are his mama, no one else!
For a little encouragement.
There is no 'right or wrong' way to parent. I think, as parent's, we need to cut ourselves a little slack. The great thing about kids is that they are little people - meaning that they won't act like robots and do everything we say, make all the right choices, etc... they will have free will and make their own (hopefully good) choices.
When they are little, we instruct them, guide them, hold their hands... as they get older, our relationship changes, less hand holding, more trusting, different teaching opportunities.
The older my kids get, the less I say 'no'. The more I teach by example. In this situation, when I found out he was cheating, I would have probably have started cheating as well... because I would want to win too (
).. hopefully he would learn through my example how it feels and the repercussions of those actions.
A good friend of mine would have 'unparented' (as that is her parenting method of choice). She would have acted like she didn't see anything, let her son cheat, and then, when he wanted to play again, simply said 'no... I think I want to play with someone who will play by the rules so I have a fair chance at winning'. (she also lets her children choose cake for dinner, then spends the evening nursing them back to health when they get a tummy ache... then uses the chance to talk about health and nutrition and food choices with them).
So, all this to say that your peds recommendation is a GREAT recommendation, but it doesn't mean it is the right or wrong way for you to parent. You know how stressful parenting is, you don't need us telling you to do or not do something, what is right or wrong... experiment, but most of all, DON'T overthink parenting, see it as an adventure that you are both along for the ride.
I don't know if I agree with your doctor 100%. You're his mom and only you know him best.
Like Kelley said...he's 5 and not really a toddler anymore. So he does need to know what's right and what's wrong, and granted that he can learn this from the outside world, sometimes as parents, it's best to prepare our kids for it.
There's a difference between screaming at him and calling him a cheater and making him feel horrible VERSUS letting him know in a calm manner that what he did was not nice/fair/right, etc.. and explain why it's wrong.
I think you're a great mom and so just follow your instinct. As long as there is geniune love and good intent behind everything you say and do to/with him in order to build a strong foundation for his life...you really can't go wrong.
Thanks so much everyone, for your kind words.
You all made great points. I guess my main concern is to be able to bring a balance to my parenting. (The doctor was mine, by the way, not the kids' pediatrician. We were talking about managing my stress.) I've thought about it, and though I don't think you can ignore things like cheating, the spirit of her message came through. It was really her way of saying, "You don't have to try so hard that you make yourself exhausted. Kids will grow up and have plenty of opportunity to learn these things."
I have this uncle and aunt who have this beautiful, smart daughter named Mallory. She's in college now, but when Mallory was growing up, my aunt was constantly on her. She was SO hard on her. "Mallory, you need to do this." "Mallory, stop doing that." "Mallory, why do you have to do that?" But then one time, during a family gathering when Mallory was about 8, the kids were all playing in the front yard, my aunt said, "Mallory, get out of the grass!" My cousins and I still joke about it. But I can totally see she got so wrapped up discipling her daughter and trying to teach her how to act, she just started giving her a hard time about anything.
But as a comparison, here's a typical part of my day: We're walking in a mall, and we get on the escalator and Sam starts walking up the steps ahead of me. I tell him not to shove past people, then tell him to stop at the top and wait for me. But then he stops to wait in people's way so that they kind of run into him and walk around him. I tell him to be aware of people and step off to the side. Then when I reach him, I pull him to the side and tell him why it is inconsiderate to just stand there in the way, and that he needs to be aware of his surroundings. Then as we're walking I'm constantly reminding him to watch where he's going.
Now, each one of those things is a valid thing to say, right? But all of them together, it's just too much. And that's what I find myself doing. NAGGING. I can't expect them to be little adults who know how to do everything perfectly. I just have to learn to let some things go. Teaching that cheating is wrong? Yes, that's important. And I actually really like what SageBeginnings said about teaching by example, and by experiences, instead of just the words. It's so true. The things that used to work with him as a preschooler just aren't as effective now. But there are other things that I can let slide, and he won't end up a self-absorbed, rude person.
Eesh, sorry this is so long!
Dude, between this post and the other one, I've decided that I'm in desperate need of some girlfriends here!
I don't normally respond as you've been posting about your kiddo- but I've been following your posts about the behaviors and such, and I just have to say you are one awesome mama. You seem to be bending over backwards to find what is best him. I'm not a mom yet, but I do work with kiddos with behavioral difficulties at school and you seem to be doing all the right things, trying your hardest, and continuing to look for new methods! Way to go! He will definitely thank you for your hard work one day!!
I've tried to reply several times but between interruptions and computer issues....ahhh.
The situation you mentioned about the escalator with Sam, is one that I go through with Gideon almost every time we're at the mall also. We're just considerate people who are trying to raise considerate kids. But I can see the "nagging" factor in that too....lol. There are certainly instances that probably don't need as much "attention" from us and sometimes the kids just need to be kids. As much as we are trying to teach them how to behave in certain situations sometimes we need to let things go. They will be loud, they will get excited, they will get mad and sometimes that's okay, they're kids. Which sounds like what your doctor was trying to say? As for the cheating thing, I have to agree with KelleyA about being at the age where right and wrong should be discussed/handled.
As much as I have been around you and your kids I have to say from what I've seen you don't have anything to worry about. You have two very sweet, smart and well behaved kids. You must be doing something right. I think you have already instilled in them the basics for being good, responsible little people. You really are an incredible mom!!!
Ahhh, I totally can see a big conflict...
What struck me most was the suggestion that you don't want to extinguish his spirit with over-correction. In some ways, that is valid advice: you don't want Sam to become a drone. But, you do also want to raise a son who doesn't cheat, doesn't ____ (whatever you are trying to correct). You don't want him saying "But MY Mom doesn't say I can't do that...."
And I can see that piece of advice from your doctor being hurtful. I'd feel awful if it was suggested that I was stifling my girls in any fashion.
I'd go ahead and try it for 2 days and see how it goes. I might try that as well. I felt BAD after Church last week. I went on and on with Elena about how she wiggled too much and changed seats and kept begging me to scratch her back etc etc. When, really? She was actually pretty well-behaved and there are just a few things we still need to work on. She looked so deflated in the backseat as we drove off.
ahhhh...I could go on and on, but man, that little piece of advice makes *me* feel bad too!
6-yr-old Elena and 4-yr-old Julia.
My Blog! All about my girls and quilting
Did you drink from my glass?
There are days when I correct too much. I'm glad you wrote this. It is more food for thought. Maybe I'll try your doc's advice.
I'm not sure what you should do. I'm certain that two days without correcting won't undo everything you've worked toward with the kiddos, though. So, if you're game for seeing how it goes, I don't think it would hurt. It would give you a benchmark.