Is there ever a perfect time?

sarah0632 · September 2010

Hello!!

My fiancee and I have baby fever! We discuss trying to conceive and beginning our family almost daily! We discuss our beliefs, values we want to instill, names, schools etc. I'm 25 years old (fiancee is 27) and though I know that means I do not need to rush, I would like to be a younger mother. I finish my degree as a Registered Nurse in April and our wedding is in a year. I keep thinking if we start trying to conceive now... I'll have graduated by the time I'm due. I do have goals set before I wanted to start a family, fortunately neither of us have debt but we live in my parents home until I finish my degree, I want my own house and I want to work 660 hours so that I can get maternity leave. I know life would be easier if we waited another year or two but sometimes I just want to throw caution to the wind and begin trying! It's something that is beginning to consume our thoughts and conversations. It makes me wonder, is there ever a perfect time? Or is having a baby just something life has to adjust it's self around? I appreciate any thoughts or advice

Dr.Loretta · September 2010

IMO, it's somewhere in the middle.

I'm not one for planning the perfect time to have kids, or even really planning to have kids. I'm sort of an "it happens when it happens" kind of girl.

However, there are certain things I think should be lined up before you have a baby.

The 3 biggest things that pop out in your post are the wedding, school/hours, and buying a house (or at least moving out from the parents). If you're planning on a big to-do for your wedding, it's going to be that much more difficult with a child than without. And if you're more of the "let's go to the courthouse", why not just do that now? Moving out from your parents' house should, IMO, be a priority. You want to start married life as adults who can live on your own and support yourselves, as well as a child. Again, with a child, it's going to be that much more difficult to put the $ together to move out on your own. And maternity leave is huge. You really want to be able to take that time off to bond with your child without worrying about whether your job is going to be there when you go back.

Also IMO, waiting another year or 2 isn't going to be the end of the world. It's not like you're putting this off for another decade. You're giving yourselves a timeline to work toward, and goals to accomplish before you TTC.

Just my 2c. Good luck.

staycee · September 2010

Dr.Loretta:

IMO, it's somewhere in the middle.

I'm not one for planning the perfect time to have kids, or even really planning to have kids. I'm sort of an "it happens when it happens" kind of girl.

However, there are certain things I think should be lined up before you have a baby.

The 3 biggest things that pop out in your post are the wedding, school/hours, and buying a house (or at least moving out from the parents). If you're planning on a big to-do for your wedding, it's going to be that much more difficult with a child than without. And if you're more of the "let's go to the courthouse", why not just do that now? Moving out from your parents' house should, IMO, be a priority. You want to start married life as adults who can live on your own and support yourselves, as well as a child. Again, with a child, it's going to be that much more difficult to put the $ together to move out on your own. And maternity leave is huge. You really want to be able to take that time off to bond with your child without worrying about whether your job is going to be there when you go back.

Also IMO, waiting another year or 2 isn't going to be the end of the world. It's not like you're putting this off for another decade. You're giving yourselves a timeline to work toward, and goals to accomplish before you TTC.

Just my 2c. Good luck.

Dr.L is very very wise. Couldn't have said it better myself

teamshoemaker · September 2010

Yeah the others said it all. We waited until both of us graduated from college (hubby late because of military) and my hubby had a solid job, and we were positive we could live on one income. Then, just as we were round with baby, all heck broke loose. My hubby got a job a state away, we moved, and the next day I went into labor early. Car seat still in box, no clean clothes for me, no baby clothes washed, no bag packed, nothing. It was a total fiasco. Basically, you can't ever depend on anything going as it would NOW with a child. I know since you don't have one, you can't get that exactly, but trust the rest of us, everything is at least twice as hard (even just getting groceries) with a kid as without. I suggest have your house (or at least an apartment) solidified and moved into before you even start TTC. I've moved six times with our 2 year old (since she was born). Not a pretty picture. No matter the age. Please, call me old fashioned, but I think you oughta be hitched before the baby carriage. It's a nicer read in the newspaper if nothing else.

sarah0632 · September 2010

Thank you all for the advice. You're right the wedding is going to be a "big to-do" but I don't care which comes first. I use to until I met my fiancee. The finances aren't so much a problem and we could move out of my parents and support ourselves (we do contribute), the reason we haven't is where I live the average cost of a house is $600 000 (can't really find anything for less), and we also have the lowest wages in Canada, that combination makes being a first time home buyer difficult, so we are trying to save enough to buy our own house rather than get caught paying rent/someone else mortgage and ontop of that we're saving for the wedding. I also believe in having huge support system set up from family so living in my parent's home with a new baby isn't so much a problem to me or my family. I think if we did have our own place either my mother or mother-in-law would stay with us in the beginning anyways. I just see all these people around me with less resources than I have having babies, and of course it's difficult but when isn't it? I guess the answers I'm looking for is it worth waiting? What if it takes us a year or more to conceive? There's always going to be reasons to put of TTC and there's always the unexpected, unplanned occurrances... One of my nursing classes is Nursing with Childbearing families and we discuss pre-conception to postpartum.. I can't help but fantasize myself in the maternal role and it makes waiting hard. Must have patience I suppose. Did anyone else feel this way and for how long before TTC?

Dr.Loretta · September 2010

sarah0632:
Thank you all for the advice. You're right the wedding is going to be a "big to-do" but I don't care which comes first. I use to until I met my fiancee.
Your decision. Having a big to-do is going to be difficult then with a baby added to the mix. Keep that in mind.

The finances aren't so much a problem and we could move out of my parents and support ourselves (we do contribute), the reason we haven't is where I live the average cost of a house is $600 000 (can't really find anything for less), and we also have the lowest wages in Canada, that combination makes being a first time home buyer difficult, so we are trying to save enough to buy our own house rather than get caught paying rent/someone else mortgage and ontop of that we're saving for the wedding.

Then move out and get an apartment. Plenty of people live in nice apartments and have kids. If you have a low wage job and live in a HCOL area, you'll be constantly chasing the housing dream and putting everything on the back burner, which isn't a good idea IMO.

I also believe in having huge support system set up from family so living in my parent's home with a new baby isn't so much a problem to me or my family. I think if we did have our own place either my mother or mother-in-law would stay with us in the beginning anyways.

There's a support system, and there's showing that you can live on your own, even if family is close by. Going to school, getting married, and having a baby are stressful enough without family in the mix to make it even more interesting.

I just see all these people around me with less resources than I have having babies, and of course it's difficult but when isn't it?

Maybe they're going to end up permanently in debt and not be able to finish school, get a house, or move out of their parents' house. You don't always know the whole story.

I guess the answers I'm looking for is it worth waiting?

In your case, I think yes.

What if it takes us a year or more to conceive?

So it takes a year or more. You're that much more prepared for when you do get pregnant, and if you have issues you don't add them to school/saving for a house/the wedding.

You have a plan. You have a timeline. Stick with it and you should be fine. You're not 41 and worrying about TTC. You're getting some ducks in a row and getting ready for kids in a few years. Ta da.

Bigsky07 · September 2010

I don't think there is ever a perfect time. Only you can decide when you are ready. My only suggestion would be to make SURE you are ready.

Everyone is different, but I know that it was really important to me to have a bit of time with just DH and myself before we were ready for a baby. Being newlyweds is so much fun and you are so free to play, travel, do Once the little one arrives, things change so much, and you will never have that time for just the two of you again. You have years ahead of you to enjoy starting a family - no need to rush!

sammiesamstin · September 2010

Bigsky07:

I don't think there is ever a perfect time. Only you can decide when you are ready. My only suggestion would be to make SURE you are ready.

Amen to that! My DH and I were ready when he was overseas, at that time I wasn't working, was going to school full time, and thought it would be a perfect time to be pregnant. Fast Forward to his return. We have a lot of friends over, love to take mini vacations, and I started a new job. We realized rather quickly that we love our lifestyle and the fun things we aren't quite ready to give up yet. We have set a plan to review how we feel after Thanksgiving, and I'm so happy we did, because it took off the pressure we were putting on ourselves to get started, and let us both kind of relax and enjoy the time we're spending together after his year away.

I think in your situation that it's really up to the positives and negatives of it. You sound like you have a lot of things that convince you its a good idea, and that's great, just remember to take the time to think of what you would be giving up by TTC now. Your big wedding, your maternity leave, independence with your spouse, those are all things that you do want to consider carefully. It's easy to get wrapped up in the baby fever (trust me, I was there!) but it's a lot harder to feel like you're missing out, or your child is missing out on things later in life because of choices you make now.

sarah0632 · September 2010

Dr.Loretta:

sarah0632:
Thank you all for the advice. You're right the wedding is going to be a "big to-do" but I don't care which comes first. I use to until I met my fiancee.
Your decision. Having a big to-do is going to be difficult then with a baby added to the mix. Keep that in mind.

The finances aren't so much a problem and we could move out of my parents and support ourselves (we do contribute), the reason we haven't is where I live the average cost of a house is $600 000 (can't really find anything for less), and we also have the lowest wages in Canada, that combination makes being a first time home buyer difficult, so we are trying to save enough to buy our own house rather than get caught paying rent/someone else mortgage and ontop of that we're saving for the wedding.

Then move out and get an apartment. Plenty of people live in nice apartments and have kids. If you have a low wage job and live in a HCOL area, you'll be constantly chasing the housing dream and putting everything on the back burner, which isn't a good idea IMO.

I guess that came out wrong. My soon-to-be wage isn't low, neither is the fiancees. Mine alone is the same as the average combined household income for my area. In comparison to the rest of the country it's lower if I were to move from my province and work I'd make a considerable amount more. The reason we haven't moved out is specifically to save for a downpayment. Which is 20% the cost of a house here ($120, 000), because they took away the new buyers incentive, but putting 20% down also saves us money. I just feel it will be harder to save that 20% down while paying rent (someone elses mortgage). "Chasing the house dream" will be sooner attained by living at home. I also don't feel the need to surrender to the North American misconception that you have to do everything on your own to be independant or that there are specific steps to follow because living at home with your parents is socially unacceptable. Get a job, get married, move out, have baby. Many other cultures have family structures in which they cohabitate for the benefit of financial gain. The fact the everyone feels the pressure to move out - support yourself, is kinda sad. It also pushes personal debt higher and higher as people are trying to do it themselves. I also like to believe it takes a village to raise a child, yet that doesn't happen enough.

I also believe in having huge support system set up from family so living in my parent's home with a new baby isn't so much a problem to me or my family. I think if we did have our own place either my mother or mother-in-law would stay with us in the beginning anyways.

There's a support system, and there's showing that you can live on your own, even if family is close by. Going to school, getting married, and having a baby are stressful enough without family in the mix to make it even more interesting.

I realize they are stressful, that's why I want my family (fiancees too) as close to us as possible. Unconditional love and support.

I just see all these people around me with less resources than I have having babies, and of course it's difficult but when isn't it?

Maybe they're going to end up permanently in debt and not be able to finish school, get a house, or move out of their parents' house. You don't always know the whole story.

I guess the answers I'm looking for is it worth waiting?

In your case, I think yes.

What if it takes us a year or more to conceive?

So it takes a year or more. You're that much more prepared for when you do get pregnant, and if you have issues you don't add them to school/saving for a house/the wedding.

I already feel ready. But I set these goals up... but I'll always have goals. Having a baby will change my life completely, I will never know how it will effect my goals and plans until I'm there. Life will just have to fall into place around it. I read a study conducted to show the if women felt they had children at the "right" time. 50% said it was perfect timing in their life, 23% said too late, 20% too early (the rest undetermined). Considering that statistics also show 50% of pregnancies resulting in live birth were "unintended"... I'm guessing that the 50% that said it was the perfect time is because having a baby is life's biggest joy, and the rest of life has to work around it

You have a plan. You have a timeline. Stick with it and you should be fine. You're not 41 and worrying about TTC. You're getting some ducks in a row and getting ready for kids in a few years. Ta da.

Maddikakes · September 2010

Dr.Loretta:
IMO, it's somewhere in the middle.

I'm not one for planning the perfect time to have kids, or even really planning to have kids. I'm sort of an "it happens when it happens" kind of girl.

However, there are certain things I think should be lined up before you have a baby.

The 3 biggest things that pop out in your post are the wedding, school/hours, and buying a house (or at least moving out from the parents). If you're planning on a big to-do for your wedding, it's going to be that much more difficult with a child than without. And if you're more of the "let's go to the courthouse", why not just do that now? Moving out from your parents' house should, IMO, be a priority. You want to start married life as adults who can live on your own and support yourselves, as well as a child. Again, with a child, it's going to be that much more difficult to put the $ together to move out on your own. And maternity leave is huge. You really want to be able to take that time off to bond with your child without worrying about whether your job is going to be there when you go back.

Also IMO, waiting another year or 2 isn't going to be the end of the world. It's not like you're putting this off for another decade. You're giving yourselves a timeline to work toward, and goals to accomplish before you TTC.

Just my 2c. Good luck.

THIS!!! You don't want to be a huge pregnant whale in your wedding dress and I think it makes your kid feel better if they know they were conceived in wedlock.

Kristine11 · September 2010

FIRST OFF SORRY FOR THE CAPS (MY IPHONE WON'T LET ME TAKE THEM OFF)

ANYHOW, THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS NO, THERE IS NO PERFECT TIME. I PERSONALLY THINK IF YOU AND YOUR FI ARE READY THEN GO FOR IT. IF ANYTHING PUSH THE WEDDING BACK A BIT AND YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER CAN BE A PART OF YOUR BIG DAY.

ONLY YOU AND YOUR FI KNOW WHAT IS BEST AND AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART :-)

BEST OF LUCK!

sarah0632 · September 2010

Thank you all for the advice!! Kristine I think I have to say you said it best... only we know what is best and will work for us. We definetly feel the desire strong enough and we're very responsible people.

I'm not really sure how my child would feel better if born "within" wedlock. I do believe in marriage (hence I'm getting married), but I'm pretty sure children feel good about themselves by growing up with love and acceptance, not the fact their parents are married. Does that mean all the children born out of wedlock should feel less good about themselves? Please, that viewpoint is practically pre-historic!

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