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S/O "losing" yourself... (longish)

BFab11BFab11 member
in Stay at Home Moms

I've found that in social settings, I'm MUCH quieter and more reserved since I had LO.  I didn't notice until I had a friend point it out.  He asked if I was ok and seemed really concerned.  I said I was fine, and he said, "you're really quiet lately.  I just want to make sure that being a mom doesn't take over your identity; you're also a wife and YOU."

That got me thinking, and this is what I told him:

I really don't have anything to contribute to the conversation.  I spend all day with my baby, and could talk about him till the cows come home.  But I don't want to be "that mom" who's constantly talking about her kid like he's the most important, awesome baby there ever was.  I mean, of course *I* think he is, but I know that not everyone thinks he's as cool or as interesting as I do.  I like listening to conversations and spending time with our friends, but I just find that I don't talk as much because the #1 thing I have to talk about is C.

I suppose that I did lose a piece of myself or my personality when I became a mom, but I honestly think I'm better for it; I'm more patient, a better listener, more compassionate, etc., so I'm not really grieving it, if that makes sense.

Ok,  I don't know what the point was, just wanted to give my two cents and see if anyone else feels this way.

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Re: S/O "losing" yourself... (longish)

  • pinksweetpea2pinksweetpea2 member

    Motherhood will change you (usually for the better IMO), but I would like to say that as your child gets older you will find yourself again.

    I was the same as you when Lily was young, but now that she is a little bit older and more independent in more ways, I find myself returning.  I red somewhere that it takes 2 full years for your body to recover from birth and I think that it is same (in some cases) for other parts such as interests, opinions, etc- especially when you are SAH.  Some folks might find that horrible, but I personally found it comforting.

     


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  • MKNolaMKNola member
    Yes, I agree with PP...as your child gets older you will begin to feel more like your old self.  It's hard when they are so little.  When my LO was your LO's age, I was sleep deprived and still trying to get the hang of the whole mom thing.  As my son got older I also noticed my previous interests coming back to me and my ability to feel part of the conversation (I soooo get where you are coming from with this!) come back!  Hang in there!
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  • wifeandmamawifeandmama member
    You definitely stop with the only talking about your kid thing as they age.. when my first was a baby, at playdates, events with moms, etc - all we talked about was our kids.  As they got older, we talked about sooo much more.  I got very interested in politics, had more time to read, etc.  I'm much more interesting now, IMO! :)
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  • ali-1411ali-1411 member

    Ditto the others.  You haven't really changed, you're still in post partum survival mode.  Take some time, read a book. 

    When I get with friends, we hardly ever talk about our kids.  

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  • BFab11BFab11 member
    Thanks ladies!  I knew his age had to be a part of it because he needs me so much right now, 24/7.  It's good to know I won't always be such a baby-minded person :)
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  • JOEBunnyJOEBunny member

    I feel like that in social situations with friends who knew me before, like I don't have much to talk about.  I don't do really cool stuff much, I don't get to read much, or be out in the world.  I have started this summer to do things with the kids that for a variety of reasons, I could not do before, that I really enjoy. 

    For example, this weekend, while DH goes to a football game with a friend from PA, I am going camping with a friend, her boys, and some of her childless friends.  I am looking forward to meeting new people and camping "on my own", which I have only done once before with the kids.  I took DD to see all sorts of historical sites when we went on vacation by ourselves because my aunt was able to watch DS, while I did so.  It is hard to take an 18 month old on a historical tour, but DD is 4 and can go pretty much anywhere. 

    I also volunteer 1 day a month for my community, at DDs school, have a book club, theater group, group that gets together to watch a particular show, and a couple of parent groups that go out once every month or two.  I don't have that much to talk about with people, I can talk about the play, book, or show.  It sometimes takes great effort to organize these things and I don't always want to, but it makes a difference in not just my life, but in the people that I include. 

    It is hard to always enjoy the place you are in and realize that this will all end and we will have more time than we want to do our own thing, especially when you have had projects that seemingly never get done for months on end. 

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  • Daisy77Daisy77 member
    Typically when I am in those types of situations (where I feel I have nothing to contribute), I'll be the question asker.  I like to be included so I try to learn more about what they're talking about as there is usually something that will pique my curiosity.  Otherwise, I'm content to just listen as well.  I'm a talker so for me to just listen is an "alarm" to my friends/family and they think something is wrong, lol.
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  • NewMrs07NewMrs07 member
    Maybe it's 'cause I'm older, but I feel that I'm more assertive and no-nonsense since becoming a mother. I don't take crap from people anymore and I'm not worried about what others think. It's such a great feeling, but again, I think it comes with age Smile At least that's one benefit of getting older!
    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
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  • BFab11BFab11 member

    imageDaisy77:
    Typically when I am in those types of situations (where I feel I have nothing to contribute), I'll be the question asker.  I like to be included so I try to learn more about what they're talking about as there is usually something that will pique my curiosity.  Otherwise, I'm content to just listen as well.  I'm a talker so for me to just listen is an "alarm" to my friends/family and they think something is wrong, lol.

    Exactly this!  I think my new silence is throwing people off.  Even though I don't feel excluded or bothered by it,  I think it's more obvious to my friends than it is to me how much I've changed.  

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