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Blended Families
Need Advice...pregnant!
I just noticed this board on the list of boards while hanging out on my birth month board! I have a 5 year old stepdaughter. We have full custody of her, as her mother was deemed "unfit". My advice need is regarding her mother. She is not a very kind woman, and she resents me because she does not have her daughter (although that was not anything I had a hand in causing). Anyways, I am so nervous for her to find out we are expecting. We are pretty well in the clear as far as miscarraiges - had one in March and she never even knew about it. We finally told my stepdaughter that she's going to be a Big Sister and she's super excited. We also told her this is a secret between her, daddy, and me. She accepts that and thinks it's fun. I do know SOMEDAY her mom will find out. Any recommendations on how to handle when mom finds out? Or how to tell her? Are we required to tell her? It will in NO WAY affect how her daughter is cared for. If my husband and I had it our way, one day she'll just hear the baby in the background and find out then.
Thanks in advance!
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Re: Need Advice...pregnant!
Personally, I don't agree with children being asked to keep secrets from their parent--unless she knows that at x time, she will be allowed to share so it's more of a "surprise" than a "secret."
When the BM in our lives got pregnant, we found out through SD. Same thing when she got pregnant a 2nd time. We're expecting and have no plans to annoucne it to BM. I'm sure SD will tell her Mom when she wants to.
I just posted on the 1st trimester board... should have posted here. I am in a similar position. I have 4 step kids and we also have full custody. My thinking is that since there are no legal issues, all she can do is *** or laugh or cry, whatever it may be. I have no idea how the kids Mom will take it and I don't really care, I guess I'm more curious than anything. Her reaction is not something you can control, so I would try not to stress over it and just enjoy the pregnancy!
My skids are 9 & 10. We told them not to tell BM because DH would talk to her about it. Then we told her not to say anything till after July 8th (1st appointment).
Edit: We do not have custody of the kids but she was happy for us. The kids are excited and talk about it alot. We put up where we are at and hot the baby is growing.
We probably wouldn't have told her but our kids are old enough to ask questions of how did baby get there.
Now with that their BM has talked with them alot recently about when she was pregnant with them. I think it is her way of getting involved and so be it. No skin off my back.
How often does your SD's BM have contact with her?
If it is often, even if only by phone, then you (meaning your H) needs to tell her ASAP. It is not fair to ask a child to keep a secret from their parent, or from anyone for that matter. It is putting them in the middle, and that should be avoided at all costs.
Really, what is the worst thing that she can do? Scream, throw a fit? Take you two back to court for full custody? I have a feeling if she was already deemed unfit, and she hasn't fought for custody again already, chances are she is still unfit. You two need to be grown ups about this and bite the bullet.
First off, congrats and good luck.
I am going to say that I think it is very unfair to ask a child to keep a secret.
Honestly? You're wasting too much energy and giving this woman way too much power worrying too much about how she'll react.
And I agree with the others. Asking a child to keep a secret like this is wrong. Have your husband tell her at the next convenient moment so that it takes the pressure off the child.
Asking your SD to keep secrets - wrong.
As for what to do about the BSC BM, well that depends on what you anticipate her reaction to be. If she screams and throws a fit, hang up, who cares? If she harasses you by phone or text have your DH deal with it after all she is HIS BSC ex. If you think she will physically harm you in some way then I get your concern.
Honestly unless you are actually scared of her; I feel that you have to be looking for problems in your life to care about her reaction.
There is no judge on the pedestrian side of the loony bin that will remove your SD and place her with an unfit mother because you are pregnant.
My advice to you is to do nothing and have your DH deal with HIS BSC ex.
Enjoy your pregnancy.
A lot depends on the relationship you as a couple have with the mother. Each is very different.
My family has had many miscarriages, and a couple of childhood deaths do to illness. So I needed to try to keep things under wraps for comfort sake.
However, boyfriend of plenty of years has an EX with a very negative, rude way about her. SO we chose to not say anything at his son's graduation not even to my boyfriend's mother and family. At the time I was a little over 5 wks. We decided to have him inform his older children and their older half sister later when things were more certain and they would be near eachother. At that time asked them not to inform their mother. As many even close friends didn't know untill I was over half way through the pregnancy. TRUELY I STILL FEEL SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHILD. However, we were right she threatend that we wouldn't see my LO....ah em. Legal steps were attempted. And when my LO is at daycare and when she goes to school I will have a notice on that she isn't to be anywhere near my daughter.
In your situation when you feel comfortable to inform the BM try letting SD help you tell her mother. That way SD feels a great responsibilty to lil sibling as well. Sorta like show and tell. Only delicately. Unless you get along well anyway then a brief conversation should do.