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Success after IF
Very hurt and angry re: friend's comment :(
We have this friend. Actually lately, no one can stand her. She has diarrhea of the mouth and is a huge gossip and just basically has no sense of tact or sensitivity.
We miscarried twins Christmas 2008. At my birthday party in January, she was talking to me about it and said something to the effect of, "well, some people would say that when you miscarry earlier, its not like they were real babies at that point, but I think its still hard". I was so taken off guard and hurt I couldn't say anything, but oh well. I thought she just wasn't thinking.
Fast forward to the end of my pregnancy. We were talking about how I would have to have a c-section. She says "well, some people say that having a c-section makes you less of a mother than if you deliver naturally, but I think, either way, you are still a mother."
Last night at a friend's birthday party, I had Maya in my ring sling, and she was fussing. This girl walks up to me and starts trying to undo my sling to get to hold my baby. Not only is that rude, but dangerous! She could have caused her to fall out of the sling. Good thing I was holding her as well. Later, she was holding Maya and says, "Wow, I bet getting to actually hold her in your arms makes all the stuff you went through to get her worth it." I said, definitely, but we still miss the twins all the time. Then she says "well, I know the medical community would say that they (our twins) were just dots at that point. That its not the same like if you lost them at 3 months when they had limbs and eyes and all."
I was so mad I almost snatched Maya out of her arms and told her to off. She either really doesn't get it, or is some horrible evil ***, but I think this whole "well, some people would say" crap is just her passive aggressive way of getting her feelings across without owning tem. This is a 40 year old virgin (not kidding) who lives with another woman (neither are lesbians) and tries to hijack everyone else's children into her life.
I can't seem to get over her words. They are still pissing me off. I told DH about it and he feels the same way. Just so hurtful.
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Re: Very hurt and angry re: friend's comment :(
I'm sorry you had to hear those things. It's just inexcusable. Just terrible. My mom says stuff like that all the time and completely negates my feelings about my losses. (Last week she said that early m/cs weren't "real babies".) It's just mean and hurtful. I think I would distance myself from such an insensitive friend if I were you. Hugs.
Amber
TTC since March '06
MFI, LPD, possible PCOS
3 chem pgs * m/c identical twins at 9w 10.06
IVF w/ICSI #2 - beta - 187! (9dp5dt), beta - 367! (11dp5dt)
IVF w/ICSI #3 - it's a girl!
My IF Blog: Between the Lines
My Parenting Blog: Letters From Your Mama
I was going to comment but, having had a c-section I'm not a real mother, so what do I know?
Seriously - these comments are so far over the top that it would help me let them go. She's just a jerk.
She strikes me as horribly socially awkward and filterless .... she really may not mean to be hurtful, and I'm not convinced those are her feelings, they might be, but it might also be that they are just thoughts in her head that she literally can't filter from coming out of her mouth.
That said, I'd still avoid the helll out of her. Because no matter what the reason she says what she says, it still makes her a giant weirdo, and unpleasant, and who wants to be around that?
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
FWIW, I deal with the "they're just cells" comments from my own husband, so I get (a little of) that hurt.
As for your "friend" - she reminds me of this russian gal I knew once, who was awesome as passive aggressive backhanded compliments - "You have big teeth! Like horse!" and "Oh, I had that same dress, but I thought it was ugly so I threw it away."
lol. Just look right at her and say "You're kinda douchie. Anyone ever tell you that?" lol. You won't, I will ;-)
TTC#2=July 2011: Surprise BFP: Chemical Pregnancy
She seems like she isn't even worth the energy of getting angry with. She's just insecure and rude and thoughtless. So next time she tries to needle you, try this ...
"Some people might say you're totally thoughtless and majorly rude, but I wouldn't. I'd just tell them your heart is as small as your brain, that's all. It doesn't make you truly evil ... just kinda sad."
Sorry she got to you. It also sounds like she's the type who wants to make other people hurt as much as she's hurting. Yeah. And totally passive-aggressive.
this exactly.
wow. she is a piece of work.
I distance myself from "friends" Like that... and pretty much just de-friend them. Life is too short to have friends who make you miserable. No need for toxic friendships.
Wow...what a hag.
There is a reason some folks are 40 year old virgins...seriously...if you can't get laid by 40, that really says something about a person. I bet she lived in her parent's basement or some such for a long time too...am I right?
Ignore her...she's useless...
Some people are just fukkin idiots. There's not much else to say about them.
I miscarried at 7 weeks. I saw my SIL when I was 6 weeks and told her that things hadn't looked very good on my ultrasound that morning. She has two children and knew what we had been through (this was IVF #4) and she had the nerve to say to me, and I quote, "put it into perspective, Lisa. Those of us who got pregnant naturally wouldn't even have had an ultrasound yet".
Yep, and after I miscarried and had a D&C, she never once called or expressed any words of sympathy, only calling me a week later to ask me to babysit.
I feel your pain.