Your DH's role.......

longingtoholdher2010 · September 2010

I have just been wondering how involved are your DH's going to be in the birth? Did they decide how involved they wanted to be or did you kind of just let him know how involved he was going to be? I really want my DF to be pretty involved and he really doesn't think that the man has a very active role at all and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to push him to much and make him uncomfortable, but I really do think that having his support is a very important part of the birth. I need more than just a you're doing good and a pat on the back every now and then. Am I over reacting or is this something that you all are thinking about too. Also it's a home birth, so he can be super involved since there won't be a ton of doctors in the way.

pinksweetpea2 · September 2010

The specific things I remember DH doing are filling the birth tub, making all the phone calls for me (the MW, family, etc.) rubbing my back for hours and catching Lily when she was born. I also have a very vibrant memory of him carrying Lily around our house- telling her about all the rooms, while I was being stitched up.

He really liked having the MW around to guide him. They were also very conscious of keeping him involved and at the front line. I had a long birth and they had to actually force him to take a nap at one point- telling him that one of us should be a little bit rested after Lily was born.

I had a rough couple of days after Lily was born and he pretty much changed every diaper and took care of her while I was sleeping. He was awesome.

He used to joke about the labor, not being needed, etc. but when it came down to it, he stepped it up seriously. I would have faith in your DH and make sure your MW keep him involved.

GL

thebigmare · September 2010

pinksweetpea2:
The specific things I remember DH doing are filling the birth tub, making all the phone calls for me (the MW, family, etc.) rubbing my back for hours and catching Lily when she was born. I also have a very vibrant memory of him carrying Lily around our house- telling her about all the rooms, while I was being stitched up.
He really liked having the MW around to guide him. They were also very conscious of keeping him involved and at the front line. I had a long birth and they had to actually force him to take a nap at one point- telling him that one of us should be a little bit rested after Lily was born.
I had a rough couple of days after Lily was born and he pretty much changed every diaper and took care of her while I was sleeping. He was awesome.
He used to joke about the labor, not being needed, etc. but when it came down to it, he stepped it up seriously. I would have faith in your DH and make sure your MW keep him involved.
GL

What a sweet story!

thebigmare · September 2010

My DH recently told me that he plans on bringing his law school books to the hospital with us. I told him, 'I don't know what you think labor is like, but you will NOT have time for reading." Besides those suckers are like 600 pages long and quite heavy. If you want me to grab that book out of your hands and thrown it at you, proceed at your own risk.

I hope your DF steps up and fulfills what role you need him to.

pinksweetpea2 · September 2010

thebigmare:
pinksweetpea2:
The specific things I remember DH doing are filling the birth tub, making all the phone calls for me (the MW, family, etc.) rubbing my back for hours and catching Lily when she was born. I also have a very vibrant memory of him carrying Lily around our house- telling her about all the rooms, while I was being stitched up.
He really liked having the MW around to guide him. They were also very conscious of keeping him involved and at the front line. I had a long birth and they had to actually force him to take a nap at one point- telling him that one of us should be a little bit rested after Lily was born.
I had a rough couple of days after Lily was born and he pretty much changed every diaper and took care of her while I was sleeping. He was awesome.
He used to joke about the labor, not being needed, etc. but when it came down to it, he stepped it up seriously. I would have faith in your DH and make sure your MW keep him involved.
GL
What a sweet story!

Thanks. I should say that my mom and his parents where there to help with the diaper changing and care after Lily was born. I did hear a funny story about him putting the diaper on backwards from his mom, but I don't care how he put it on...he was trying and that was what was important.

roundtheworldgirl · September 2010

longingtoholdher2010:
I have just been wondering how involved are your DH's going to be in the birth? Did they decide how involved they wanted to be or did you kind of just let him know how involved he was going to be? I really want my DF to be pretty involved and he really doesn't think that the man has a very active role at all and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to push him to much and make him uncomfortable, but I really do think that having his support is a very important part of the birth. I need more than just a you're doing good and a pat on the back every now and then. Am I over reacting or is this something that you all are thinking about too. Also it's a home birth, so he can be super involved since there won't be a ton of doctors in the way.

We had a homebirth with DD and DH was very involved. He didn't really get it at first either, but the Bradley class helped. Also, I really hammered into him the fact that I wanted him to be my primary support and how important it was to me that he be involved. But I think the Bradley class was really the key - after 24 hours of instruction, and seeing other men who were into it, he came around.

I don't think you're overreacting. I don't think I could have done it without my DH's support. Have him read "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way" by Susan McCutcheon. It's a bit more interesting than Dr. Bradley's book, but both really emphasize the husband's role.

christina627 · September 2010

Mine was really my labor support. I had my MW there and my mom was there too (didn't really want her there, but short version...she ended up there). He literally supported me as I walked through the halls, carried my walking monitor, etc. He rubbed my back for the last couple hours (constantly...back labor). Before contrax got bad, we just sat together and rested and laughed and talked. When DS was born, he caught his legs and cut the cord. He fielded all visitors at the hospital. We washed DS together for his first bath before we left the hospital. He stayed with DS when he was weighed and measured (in the same room, but across it and I was being stitched). He held DS and let me eat and nap. He carried all the stuff to the car...etc.

MassageMomma2010 · September 2010

DH attended Bradley classes with me and our Bradley teacher told him his role. He is to give me undivided attention, massage, and physical and emotional support. His specific duties are:

1- Keep a working, charged cell phone with him at all times.

2- Help me time contractions when the day comes.

3- Loading the car and double checking that we are not forgetting a) the birth center bag, b) the birth ball, c) the ipod, d) the camera.

4- Drive me to the birth center, stopping to get whatever I want.

5- Say encouraging things to me all the while hiding any signs of panic he may be feeling.

6- Once we get to the birth center, follow my lead. If I want to slow dance in the shower while he massages my butt- that's what we're doing. If I want him to sit quietly in the corner- that's what he'll do.

7- He is in charge of all things phone related. Calling my parents and BFF and whoever he wants to notify on his side. Also, he is to notify the neighbor that they are needed to check in on our pooch if we are gone for more than 6 hours.

8- He can cut the cord if he wants to.

I asked him if he wanted to watch the baby be born and he said "Nope, that's what we're paying the MWs for." He's afraid he's going to pass out. Don't put too much pressure on your DH now, he'll take his role naturally as the labor progresses and as your needs change. (That's what I'm hoping for anyways)

triumphantreturnofplanningbug · September 2010

We're going with the idea that I'm not the only one with intuition. I'll be doing what my body knows it needs to do, and he'll be responding based on the way he sees me and perceives my needs. He knows me better than anyone else, and is amazingly in tune with what my body is saying, so we're relying on that.

At the same time, we'll have a doula to help direct and help him as well as me, so that neither of us feel like we have to know exactly what's going on, and I don't have to feel like I need to interpret for him rather than focus on birthing. So that takes off a good deal of pressure for both of us.

He has said that he'd like to catch Bugbear and be the one to put him/her on my chest, but he doesn't want to cut the umbilical cord, and would prefer not to see the placenta if possible. All of that is subject to change, though, based on what he's feeling at the moment, and we're fine with playing it by ear as things are happening.

PlainandTall · September 2010

I hate to say this- but not all people (men or women) are cut out to be a perfect partner for labor support. They may be a wonderful husband in many ways- but he may simply not be cut out for this job. It's tough.

Think about a guy who is not handy... so he can't make you a set of kitchen cabinets like Bob Villa... does that mean he's a failure?

I have caused myself a lot of pain agonizing about other women's wonderful husbands ( this story really tortured me) who also happen to be wonderful labor support partners. Seeing their stories, where their husband was attentive and in tune, had bothered to educate himself about birth, actually cared, was able to say just the perfect thing when mom felt ready to give up, or to do just the right physical thing to comfort her... where the whole labor process is an extension of their love for each other and their family building togetherness... it just KILLED me because I knew that I could NEVER have that... not with my man. It caused me a lot of pain and dread because I wanted him to be that guy- and he never will be...he can be a lot of things- but I knew it was a mistake to even set myself up with the hope that he was going to miraculously transform into someone else just because I was in labor. He's also not going to build me some beautiful shaker style cabinets in the Yankee workshop. Suck it up Sarah.

Anyway- if your husband really isn't giving you the signs of being that guy, or even wanting to be that guy. let it go. Hire a doula, she asked for that job, she cares, she wants to be there... he didn't sign up for that specific role when he said "I do." ... let him watch the football game... don't torture yourself with high hopes and disappointment which will only leave you burning and hurt in a time of need.

d.cubed · September 2010

I think that birth classes can really help. It lets him know what he can do, what to expect, etc. Once you've done a birth class, if he still seems a bit reluctant, make sure you get a doula. (My DH is super supportive, we practice every night and have gotten even closer getting ready for the birth, but we're still going to have a doula). For us, his primary role is to support me and to go through the transition into parenthood together.

~adamwife~ · September 2010

With my first, my husband annoyed me like crazy. He had no idea what to do and when he did try to help it made things worse than if I would have handled it on my own. Plus, his nervous energy really bothered me.

With my second, I decided to hire a doula to take care of me during labor so that DH could relax and not stress me out. He actually slept through most of my labor and we woke him in time for me to push. It was wonderful.

With this one we will be at home and I will have a doula again. Since we'll be in our home, I imagine DH will be much more comfortable and able to help. I imagine he will do things like helping to fill the birth tub and getting things that the MWs need since he knows his way around the house and they don't.

I don't expect my husband to play an active role in L&D. It's just not his thing and it doesn't bother me that it isn't. I feel like I am in good hands surrounded my women who know what they are doing and DH can be there for emotional support when and if I need it.

Everyone's DH is different and mine does better watching from the sidelines.

Blessed1018 · September 2010

DH is really excited to have a big role, but nervous at the same time. He is going to be my main labor support, other than the midwives. I would suggust having him take a preparation class with you. Most of them are geared towards the dads too and involve after birth need to know stuff (like how to hold the baby and how to change a diaper). Perhaps if he goes with you, and possibly meet other men in the same position, he will change his mind or at least be more open to helping you. I wouldn't force it though. Simply say your piece as best you can, without crying or screaming (which only makes a man turn more into their own headspace), and if he doesn't get it, just give him time.

Sawyerplus1 · September 2010

Mostly DH was just there for me, encouraging me. My labor with DS was was about 30 hours, and I didn't let him sleep the whole time (poor guy). In fact, he wasn't allowed to leave my side! He applied counter pressure, so when I had a contraction, he would put heavy pressure on my shoulders (inwards, not downwards) to relive the pain (worked amazingly, btw!). He had to do it for every contractions. He also helped drain the cold water and refill the birth tub with warm water. And he anxiously pulled the "help" cord when I started pushing and didn't know what to do.

With DD, counter pressure didn't work, it wasn't a water birth, and the labor was much shorter, so mainly he was just by my side, encouraging me.

mysticporter · September 2010

I think there's two sides to this. On the one hand, you can't make your DF be someone he's not, like Sarah said. On the other hand, I think the father very much has a responsibility to be supportive and helpful in the process...it's his kid, too. I think the important thing is to strike a balance that works. I would decide what it is you need from him (specifics like getting you food/ice chips, whatever), rather than just telling he needs to be more involved (he may not even know what exactly that means). Just pick out what things he can do (not 'everything') that would mean the most to you, and then hire a doula to handle the rest and be an extra support as needed.

SpinFreak13 · September 2010

triumphantreturnofplanningbug:
We're going with the idea that I'm not the only one with intuition. I'll be doing what my body knows it needs to do, and he'll be responding based on the way he sees me and perceives my needs. He knows me better than anyone else, and is amazingly in tune with what my body is saying, so we're relying on that.
At the same time, we'll have a doula to help direct and help him as well as me, so that neither of us feel like we have to know exactly what's going on, and I don't have to feel like I need to interpret for him rather than focus on birthing. So that takes off a good deal of pressure for both of us.

Us, too! The intuition part is so true. Cool to hear of another couple like that!

We've also been taking HypnoBirthing classes, so he'll have scripts and know which massages/light touches to do.

The doula is really there for him in case he's just not sure what to do or gets that deer stuck in the headlights look.

And to the poster who wrote that her DH doesn't want to actually watch the birth and commented "that's what we're paying the MW for." made me laugh. I've got a squeamish one on my hands as well! Wink

~adamwife~ · September 2010

mysticporter:
I think there's two sides to this. On the one hand, you can't make your DF be someone he's not, like Sarah said. On the other hand, I think the father very much has a responsibility to be supportive and helpful in the process...it's his kid, too. I think the important thing is to strike a balance that works. I would decide what it is you need from him (specifics like getting you food/ice chips, whatever), rather than just telling he needs to be more involved (he may not even know what exactly that means). Just pick out what things he can do (not 'everything') that would mean the most to you, and then hire a doula to handle the rest and be an extra support as needed.

I agree with this advice. In my experience men need to have a list of tasks. They function much better when they have a specific thing to accomplish and they can "conquer" it. It's just the way they are made. Women are better at searching out things to do. We expect men to function the same way and forget that they just aren't wired that way. I understand that not all men and women are this way, I'm just speaking for the most part.

longingtoholdher2010 · September 2010

Thank you all for your stories and advice. I know that the best way would probably be what a couple of you mentioned and write a list of specific things to do, I do agree that men do need a set in stone plan that they can follow especially when they are under pressure. Mine is a sqeamish one too so he doesn't want to be "down there" and he doesn't want to see the placenta and that is fine by me, I just need to relax and let it be what it will be. I will give him the list so that he knows my expectations and if he steps up great, if not my mw's and my mom will be there for extra support.

missfire · September 2010

Going into my son's birth, my DH had taken childbirth class with me and helped me practice for hypnobirthing. But other than putting the bags in the car and driving me to the birth center, we really had no expectations of his role going into things.

That ended up being perfect for us. DH and I were alone for the majority of my labor, and he applied counterpressure for me during every contraction (every 2 minutes for a few hours). When the doula got there and told him to get the car ready, he gathered up all our stuff and found me some shoes. At the birth center, he was sitting behind my head on a chair as I was in the tub, and all I remember of him was a not-so-funny comment he made. But after DS was born, the midwives had DH sit on the bed with his shirt off holding DS as they tried to stop my bleeding. Recovering, they made me stay laying down in bed for a few hours, so DH was the one to diaper and dress DS the first time, and get him into the carseat.

I think it made it possible for DH to relax and just be there for us as we asked him to do things because he didn't have to try to remember a list of responsibilities. It was very natural and lovely, and I had so much support from the doula and midwife, too, that I didn't lack for anything.

Arielle27 · September 2010

Like with everything else in life, DH is my main source of support and encouragement, so in that respect his presence will be vital!

In terms of specific help, DH did the hypnobirthing course with me and will (hopefully) read the book and record some of the partner scripts for me before the birth so he can help me remember what to do (breathing, movements, etc.). He is also the most amazing person under pressure - keeping the mood light, taking care of the little things that need doing, etc. so I know I'll be able to count on him for all those kinds of things.

On the other hand, I imagine the labor and birth will be very difficult for him as well (exhausting, emotional), which is one of the reasons we have hired a doula. I don't want to depend solely on DH for support and help with the breathing techniques, massage etc. that a professional can do - and not be offended if I am not interested in what she's doing. I also want DH to be able to take breaks, eat and sleep, if things go on for a long time.

KateLouise · September 2010

My DH just assumed his role was to "support" me in what ever form that took on the day. During our antenatal course, we talked about different things the dad's can do to help Mum.

On the day he was fabulous. Calm, reassuring, did anything I asked but also anticipated some of my needs as well. I was aware of him aksing the midwife for this and that, as well as clarifying things he was unsure about.

He massaged my back in the shower, brought me water, held my leg for me while I pushed (I know a lot of people are anti pushing whilst on your back, and I was too, but on the day this is what felt most comfortable). and cut the cord too.

He was unsure about cutting the cord. Before hand he said, "that sounds like something a professional should do." and I said, "well see how you feel on the day, it's not something you get the chance to do very often."

On the day he couldn't resist cutting the cord, and I think a lot of that is down to how relaxed our birth was, and how much trust he had in our midwife, so that he felt confident too.

KateLouise · September 2010

On the humour thing. I banned DH from being funny because he has the habit of making jokes when I'm stressed, and it's never funny for me.

As it is we shared a joke, when in the middle of pushing my midwife wanted me out of the tub and back in our room. So I had to hoof it back to the room between contractions, wrapped in a sheet.

I have an awful sense of direction, especially in places with lots of corridors, but always set off really confidently. So wrapped in a sheet, dripping wet, I head off and go to turn one way, and out of the corner of my eye see DH go the other. We made eye contact and had a little chuckle. Even in labour, I can manage to get myself lost in a hospital.

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