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April 2011 Moms
PurpleK26
member
I need to vent a minute! (warning this will be long!)
PurpleK26
member
Ok, I have a 6 month old DD. She was born at 41 weeks after a 24 hour labor (induced the night before with cytotec). She had acid in her blood and an infection, and fluid filled lungs. She was stuck and had to be vacuumed because she was so big 9lbs 9oz. Not trying to scare anyone, but you need to know that part to know why I'm venting!
I have a friend who's a doula. With her first DD (6 years ago) she thinks she had a horrible birth experience because she had a bad tear. She refused a c-section even though there was lots of meconium, because she didn't want the scar from it.
So, now, she just pushes and pushes that hospitals are terrible places, and that dr.s don't care about moms or babies at all. She pushed and pushed for me to have a home-birth. Like, daily pushed it on me. I told her that I just couldn't with my first because I wouldn't know if something was wrong because I'd have nothing to compare it to.
So, I had my baby, and instead of congratulating me, she told me that maybe if I'd chosen a more natural birth, DD wouldn't have been sick at birth, basically blaming me. In reality, my DD would have died if we'd tried to deliver at home. She wasn't breathing when she came out... and a little at home CPR wouldn't have helped. Even if we'd delivered at our local small hospital, DD would have at least probably had severe brain damage.
So, now, I'm pg again... and after everything I went through with DD, she's already pushing a home birth on me! Telling me that I need to learn to be a parent and do what's best for my babies.
I can't be mean/rude to her. I have a really hard time standing up for myself against friends. And she used to be so 'normal' and fun! I feel like I have 10 years invested in this friendship, so I don't want to just get rid of her. But, I don't know how to politely tell her to shove it!
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Re: I need to vent a minute! (warning this will be long!)
You need to "learn to be a parent and do what's best for your babies"?????? And she gets to decide for you what that is??? Bull effing shiit.
I would tell her that I've made my decision, that there will be no more discussion about it, and if that isn't enough, then I would tell her to shove it.
I'm not sure I would be able to count this person among my "friends", if I'm being honest. I think I would be distancing myself from her.
It seems that being nice and polite just isn't working with her. You need to be firm. Next time she brings up a home birth say " This is not up for discussion, if you bring it up one more time I will hang up / leave." Do this every single time. Hopefully she will get the hint and drop it.
I also want to say that even though you have invested 10 years in this friendship, it is still ok to let the frienship go if she is being disrespectful and rude. That is life, some friendships bloom and some fade.
Your daughter is beautiful!
I think you may have to be like I do when other heated conversations come up. Tell her you value your friendship with her and that this conversation is frustrating you and it would be better if the two of you skipped this subkect all together.
You have to do what YOU think is best for you and your children. She wants to be helpful, but she needs to understand she is just stressing you out and you need to be at the hospital in case.
Sorry your friend is being a brat
DD 2.0 ~ 12/30/2013
That sucks. I would just explain, very firmly to her, that you had to drastically different birth experiences. Unfortunately, like in most cases, perception is reality. Your realites are very different. I would tell her that you appreciate her input, but you will do what you feel is best for you and your baby. If she cannot accept that, then she either needs to stop talking about birthing with you or she can lose the friendship. that simple. Hopefully, she'll choose to just keep her mouth shut.
ETA: I would also add that it would seem she is not a very good doula. the purpose of a doula is as an advocate for the mother and her wishes. Not to push their opinions or agenda during the pregnancy or delivery.
Sounds like this so called friend is a know it all who is always right. I had one of them and finally got rid of her. You dont need some one like this telling you what to do. This is your body your choice. This isnt good stress for you. Some of these doulas (not all) think they are the only way to go, they push and degrade women into thinking a hospital birth and doctors are doing it all wrong.
My first DD was also vaccumed, and I would have tore severly and bleed alot if I went ahead with a home birth that I wanted. Thankfully my motherly intuition said you should have a hospital birth. I did and I found out my uterus was tilted and that is why she took so long to come out, poor thing was stuck.
Any way you have to to deside if you are better off with or with out her.
HUGS!!
I'm glad you all understand. I'm not against home births, doula friend and I have a third, who had 3 uneventful, never tore or even had an IV births. She did her 4th at home. If I had that, I'd probably consider it too.
She's going to have a hay-day getting on my case this time, as my dr. is already talking about a 39 week induction if a late u/s shows another big baby!
And you're right, I don't think she's got the right opinion for a doula. She actually makes her moms sign a contract that they've read certain books that she wants them to read, and that they won't go to a hospital unless mom or babies life is in danger as determined by her and the midwife together... as in they both have to agree, nevermind that a doula has no medical degree.
The small crazy part of me feels like I have something to prove to her, and that I need to get things through to her head... though I never bring anything up. She told me that I'm just not educated or I wouldn't make these decisions... ummm, I've studied and read up on both sides, talked to all the bump moms and educated myself on different situations more than she probably has. I feel I'm making very educated decisions!
Sorry... I went off again
Oh that would make me so mad. I would probably stop talking to her after that. Personally, my dad was a chiropractor and my mom had all seven of us kids at home. I even watched one of my sister's being born. However, for me, I chose a hosptial birth and my parents never once said anything about it. Not once. They were very respectful of my stance and encouraged me to only do what I thought was best. When my sister had her baby in the hospital, my mom again was nothing but encouraging and was in the room when my sister got an epidural and watched my nephew being born. My mom and dad would have been horrified if we had a doula like your friend, horrified.
After those "being educated" comments I would have shut her down. She obviously has not problem being disrespectful, mean and rude to you so don't worry about sparing her feelings. Put your foot down and tell her that her comments will not be tolerated. You don't have to call her names just shut her down.
Good Luck. It's people like our friends who make others think that doulas and natural birth people are whack a doos. I'm friends with another doula and she's so non judgemental and gives suggestions to questions asked, but never just outright forces her opinion on anyone.
I agree she is not being a good doula in the spirit of what I know a doula to be. My advice is to not tell her anything that would give her fuel for her rants. For example telling her that your doc wants to induce at 39 weeks. You are a smart girl and have done the research and trust your doctor. Don't even bring it up. If she does, just let her know it is not up for discussion.
Good luck!!