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Am I doing the right thing?

AmandaJordan1985AmandaJordan1985 member
in Single Parents
Hi there. I'm a bit of a lurker but here goes...My baby's father and I are not together, however do still spend time together occasionally. He has been supportive throughout my pregnancy which is great, just not so much financially. Here's my situation: he is my best friends younger brother and my best friend also happens to be my sister's fiance...I told him after our ultrasound last week that I would not be giving baby his last name or put him on the BC. I mean we're not married(nor will we ever be) and I've seen way too many times what happens when women try to "do the right thing" by doing this. He got really upset and kept saying that it's his baby too etc, etc. I understand where he's coming from because it does take 2. Am I being selfish trying to protect myself from problems down the road? I also do not want to cause any rifts between my sister and his family because well, it would be awful if they used this against her in some way. I'm just not sure what to do here...
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Re: Am I doing the right thing?

  • alibabbbsalibabbbs
    I would assure him that he can be involved in other ways, but that it is important to you that your LO have your last name. I don't think you're being selfish at all. I definitely wouldn't want LO to have the father's last name in that situation.
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  • AmandaJordan1985AmandaJordan1985 member
    Thanks for the response. He wants to be involved and has a wonderful family who will also be. I don't want him to feel hurt over this but it is what it is...
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  • xcjen06xcjen06

    I think it's really up to you and you will know how important it is for you.

    My son has my last name and now his dad is trying to get me to change it even though he signed the birth certificate. I am going to keep his name the same as mine. My situation is a little different than yours though because my son's dad doesn't even live in the same part of the country and isn't really involved in his life at all. Do what you feel is right but I don't think you are being selfish.

    Good luck!

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  • Meliss227Meliss227

    What type of problems are you worried about? 

    Give him your last name but put him on the birth certificate. Having him on the birth certificate will make it easier when you file for child support. In my state if he isn't on it from the beginning and file for child support he has to acknowledge paternity or a paternity test has to be done. 

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  • Time2RewindTime2Rewind
    I'm relatively new here, but I did not put my DD's dad on her BC and gave her my last name. I am so happy with my decision. DD's dad is really unstable at times, and I find that I feel I can protect her better knowing that, at the end of the day, he has no rights. It's a crappy situation and will probably produce an argument or two...and possibly an awkward moment. But, I think you should do what makes you feel the most comfortable and what's best for your LO. I did, and I have 0 regrets. Good luck!
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  • AmandaJordan1985AmandaJordan1985 member

    Thanks ladies. The kind of things I am worried about are stupid I guess...but for instance I have a friend who's DD's father is completely out of the picture. She hasn't seen or hear from him in over 10 years and when it came time to take her DD to Disney World, she was having issues getting her a passport (I live in Canada) because she would need permission from the father to take her over the border. Well, how the hell do you track someone down when you have no clue where they are or if they're even alive? Seriously. I don't think i'd ever have this issue with him but who knows...things might not always be as pleasant as they are now. 

    I guess i'm just really confused, and obviously new to this situation.

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  • BostonGayGalBostonGayGal member

    You are smart to think about the long term. Years from know each of you may have a family and your relationship to each other and his relationship to the child will likely change over time.  You will be the constant, so the child should have your name.  I think it is appropriate to put his name on the birth certificate, but the name - no way.

    If, for any reason the two of you got together in the future, the name could be changed for a fee at the court house, but until or unless that happens the child should have your name. 



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  • AmandaJordan1985AmandaJordan1985 member
    imageInternetExplorer:
    imageBostonGayGal:

    You are smart to think about the long term. Years from know each of you may have a family and your relationship to each other and his relationship to the child will likely change over time.  You will be the constant, so the child should have your name.  I think it is appropriate to put his name on the birth certificate, but the name - no way.

    If, for any reason the two of you got together in the future, the name could be changed for a fee at the court house, but until or unless that happens the child should have your name. 

     

    really BGG?  until or unless she gets her man the kid can have her name?  Yuck.  Ugly sentiment.

     

    My children have both my husband's last name as well as mine.  No need to give in to some notion of the man's last name being the way to go.  I hate the ideat that a man who is involved and a good dad =naming rights to a child.  It's a baby not a ball field. 

    That brings up an interesting point. I think if at any point down the road I got married to him (HA!) or anyone else for that matter, LO's last name would not change. That's the name he was given at birth, and that's the way it will stay.

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