Bonding Process (sad): The First Time You Hear...
CaptainSerious
member
"I don't want to live here," it kind of breaks your heart.
Even if you know it's normal. Even if you knew to expect it. Even if it's completely out of proportion to the issue at hand. Even if you know it's just to get a reaction out of you.
It still hurts. Much more than when he denies that you love him. And it makes you wonder if he means it when he later smiles at you when you tell him you love him.
We had a tough bedtime tonight. As usual, by the time it was all said and done, M was happy and tucked in bed, and my husband and I were completely worn out. We know this is normal testing and bonding stuff, but it sucks. I was just saying what a great day it was, overall, and how it looked like M was going to earn all his stars for the day. Blah.
Re: Bonding Process (sad): The First Time You Hear...
One of these days he is going to look at you and say "I am so so glad that you are my mom and dad" and it will all be worth it. I promise!!
(ETA: we also did an 'older child' adoption....our son was 10...so I do have experience in this. It WILL get better!)
I can't imagine. I'm sorry you had a rough day. It sounds like you are really doing a fantastic job of showing him unconditional love regardless of what you are getting back right now. I can't imagine how confusing it must be for a child to be processing all he's gone through. Still, you're human and you must be beat. God is smiling on you, I'm sure of it. Keep up the good work, Mama.
After living with my sister, who was adopted at age 7 though fostered since age 4, and hearing her often throwing such words around to my parents I was very scared of that happening with K. I was very lucky. She never said she wanted to go back to Russia and the closest she ever came to the worst of all things which an adopted child can say to you, "You're not my REAL mother" was during a very normal discussion about her feelings about/for BM. She said that she sees me as her second mom. That was good enough for me. She had lived with BM until her death when K. was 11. That was about four years ago. We haven't really discussed it since.
I hope that things get better for you soon but please know that as he grows up he will know where his home really is and how much he is loved. I know it doesn't stop the hurt now but at least it is something to look forward to. Good luck!
Just a complete sidenote, have you ever heard of Taming the Tiger While Its Still a Kitten? Another family with our agency let me borrow it as she knew of some of the issues we were having. Anyways, it's an EXCELLENT resource on attachment. She gives some very good examples to help bond with your child that I have never heard of before. They are good for all children, but especially those with attachment disorders. If nothing else, it's nice to just hear her talk of examples and being able to relate to them.
Anyways, I highly recommend it to any adoptive parent - attachment orders in their child or not. Hang in there - you are doing such an amazing job!
https://www.attachment.org/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=attachment&Product_Code=178
DX: Premature ovarian failure
::::SAIFW::::: People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. - Rebecca West
WE'VE BEEN MATCHED WITH A SWEET LITTLE BOY!! -4/5/11