- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Military Families
anabell0920
member
Deployment- how much do you share?
anabell0920
member
I am not talking about keeping secrets from your SO but say you are feeling extra blue, do you tell them or only try to share happy things? This is our first deployment and he is the person I always share my feelings with so it's hard to not want to tell him today I miss you bad! So do you try your best to always keep things peppy or do you share it all good, bad and ugly?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Deployment- how much do you share?
I don't make it a point to lie to him if I'm feeling really down. We've talked about it, and he doesn't want me to have to pretend to be happy for him if I'm not, especially because I suck at hiding it and he's left guessing what's wrong because he can tell I'm not ok. However, I definitely don't make a big deal of telling him about every sad/upsetting moment I have when he's gone. If it's been a really rough day, and I happen to talk to him that day, I'll tell him so. But I'm not going to do nothing but complain to him, and burden him with a bunch of problems that I'm having that he can't fix because he's half way around the world. He needs to know that even if the going is currently rough, I'm still capable of pulling myself up and taking care of what needs to be done.
Sorry, I don't know if any of that made sense or not.
This, exactly... I think at the beginning of his last deployment I tried to hide it more, trying to shield him. He pretty much called me out on it, said he knew I was trying to stuff it and that worried him more. Hubby knows you're stressed and sad, whether you talk about it or not. Better to just be natural, and let him know you miss him, but you're hanging in there and will feel better tomorrow. Best wishes for happiness and safety to you and your husband!!
In my experience, at the briefs, I have been told that we should keep it to ourselves. "There is no reason to burden your deployed troop. It is all about them." I call BS on that. I HATE it when spouses are told to just suck up their feelings like they are worthless. This deployment will be very difficult for you as well. I can tell you with all honesty, it was harder on me than it was on DH. He has a great job that keeps him out of harms way when he is away. He works regular hours, works in air conditioning, etc. The only difference he has when he is deployed is that he is away from DS and I, which is hard in itself.
DH and I made an agreement before he deployed. I would be honest. If I wasn't able to vent my feelings to him, then I would explode eventually. It worked for us.
If DH was someone who went out on patrols or was put in dangerous situations on a daily basis, however, I doubt I would be telling him the full extent of my woes. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't want to burden him either.
I was pretty open throughout our first deployment, and I actually think that's part of the reason why we were able to "get through" the redployment process so well. We talked almost every day (obviously there were days when he couldn't talk, was busy, etc) and really didn't hold back on anything--In fact, if anything, he kept things from me (usually so I wouldn't overly worry myself). We are also the only couple that actually talked to each other more than once a week. And that made his come-home adjustment period a lot smoother than most of the other guys in his battery. We were able to just slide right back into the swing of things when most of the other couples experienced a lot of ups and downs.
However, that being said, I didn't tell him the REALLY "ugly" stuff over the phone or when he had the chance to get online. I didn't even send it through an email. When I was feeling really down or upset or angry, I made sure that I wrote that stuff down in a letter. That gave me the chance to A) decide whether I wanted to actually send it,
warn him that it was coming, and C) send a retraction email a few days later if I regretted saying something (I'd just say "throw out letter #123."). It made him feel very included in life back home and it made me feel like I still had a strong connection with my husband. He also liked getting more mail than anyone else ;-)
This is my dh as well he is in a tech rate on a boat and while he is sacraficing to be out there he is not in harms way daily. Thanks ladies, Dh and I are very open with each other so I know he would call me out if I never said anything but I am not gonna burden him with every little thing. The letter idea is a good one as well thanks!
During deployment, it's best to keep it to yourself. During our last deployment, there were so many things I wanted to tell him, that I just couldn't. I didn't want his mind all focused and worried about my troubles back home while he was going through his own hardships over in AFG..
It's not lying, it's not untruthful, it's actually very, very selfless and powered by your love for your SO. It can be so hard triumphing over hardships, but it's so gratifying to know that you can, and you can do it without causing SO to even so much as flinch. Our guys have so much to deal with during "the big D" the last thing they need is to have to deal with issues they have no control over.
Keep strong and best of luck to you both!
i mostly kept it to myself mainly because DH would get all worked up with worrying about me. but if something happened that made me upset id tell him, ie when my cousin was diagnosed with leukemia. but if i was upset because one of the dogs pooped in the cage overnight and i woke up to dog poop, well i kept that one to myself.
I don't think it would be a bad thing to share some of it with him as long as it's not an everyday, every email occurence you know what I mean. I think your DH would probably think something was wrong if you didn't share with him that your missing him a little more today. My DH would call BS if I told him I was doing great every time we talked because he knows how I am.
I know a guy whose wife told him every single day while we were gone how miserable she was and how depressed she was because he wasn't there and it made him upset and worried. You don't want that kind of stress on him even though he's not in a dangerous rate he can be walking through the hangar bay one day not paying attention because he's worried about you back home and still hurt himself, I have seen it happen that's the only reason why I'm telling you this.
I remember you from our chatzy talks while we were preggo and I know your a strong woman but sometimes it just gets to you, and if you and DH have that relationship where you talk about the good and bad I think you will be okay for the deployment.
I dont burden him with day to day BS like the car making funny sounds or the water heater blowing up lol but I do tell him if im having a hard time emotionally. I know it's not for everyone but we both do better (from experience) telling each other details...more so on his side. If his convoy got hit with an RPG or if they took heavy fire that day, he tells me. For me personally I do better knowing exactly what is going on and then my mind doesn't wander. It's when he tries to make it sound better than it is that I worry. I know that's not for everyone but it's what works for us.