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Hawaii Babies
PPD
Post partum depression; lately I think I have a delayed case of it.
Lately I have been losing my temper at the kids (usually Maya), I cry (usually in private), I yell inside my head "WHY did I choose to have kids?", I want to walk out the door...by myself. I think "I don't want this life, I love my kids but I am NOT enjoying most of this parenting job..."
I don't have these feelings all the time. Like I said, I love, love, love my kids beyond anything and there are days I feel positive but the instances in the above paragraph are happening more and more, it seems.
I feel like someone who has had a vampire come by and drain all the blood out of me; that's how I feel at the end of the night when my feet have not touched the ground because I have gone back and forth to each kid all.day. By the time they go down at night, it's almost time for me to go to bed.
Anyway, off to the doc on Monday and gonna bring this stuff up to him. Thanks for letting me vent!
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Re: PPD
Oh hon - big hugs!
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this - I'm really glad that you're seeing your doc about it.
Sometimes I wonder if I had a mild case of PPD after the boys were born, or if it was just that I was exhausted and overwhelmed with twinshock...I loved my boys from the depths of my soul from the day they were born, but on a number of occasions I cried hysterically in the shower because I thought I'd ruined my life. One time I even sobbed to Ben, "What have we done? We were happy before, there wasn't anything wrong with our life!" Sounds awful, I know...and I know it's not the same as what you're describing, or the same timing - just thought I'd throw it out there so you know you're not alone just in case it turns out that you're super overwhelmed vs PPD.
(((big hugs again)))
I don't feel like i Had PPD depression but definitely the hormones were in full rage... oh and once again they are in full rage! Gotta love what these bebehs do to their mamas! Do you feel like it's more depression or more frustration? Are you getting enough breaks? Enough you time? I think that's VERY important. I know I'm a better mama when I have some time to myself each day. Even if it's only 5 mins... the other day I sat on the toilet and told DH my stomach hurt so I could have 10 mins alone. Yeap I'm bad! But I got 10 mins and some!!
I'm sorry that your going through this, I wonder if the same thing will happen to me once I realize what we've done... 2 kids 20 months apart... wow! I would for sure talk to your doctor about it and see what they have to say. I have a sister on zoloft and she LOVES it, she says it's like her crack. She was very tearful after having her second and I think it helped her cope with the struggles of two kids with two different dads and one of them who wasn't involved at all. We all have different issues and sometimes we just need help to get through them. Take advantage of your appt and see what they have to say.
On a side note, read this blog... it made me feel better after having a rough day...
https://babyrabies.com/2010/09/05/stay-at-home-mom-guilt/
Thanks guys for your replies, sometimes when I post personal stuff (struggles etc) on here, I think "Oh I should've kept that to myself, I feel somewhat better now" lol. However, I love all of you and you have had excellent advice/gave excellent support before and I also know that, if someone else is going through a similar thing (or goes ON to having a similar experience) then she will not feel as if she's 'the only one' it's happening to...
Lisa, you have a point. I've gone back and forth over the past month wondering "Ok, is it REALLY PPD or am I just feeling overwhelmed and stressed and these feelings will pass when things become settled again...?"
I'm not sure...and it's strange because I have gone through full-on depression before, quite a few times, in my life. Came close to putting myself on anti-depressants a lot during those times but always shied away from them. Soooo, you'd think I'd be able to recognize PPD. I had a touch of it just after Maya was born but...I didn't realize it! When you feel like you just got hit by a Mack truck, I guess it's easy to not see that you lost a shoe on the highway...
Just to let you know, the hysterical crying after your little ones arrived; did that very same thing honey. I think a LOT of mamas can relate to that, along with the "What have we DONE?!"
I will never forget Maya's first night home from the hospital (where she was a sleepy lil tater-tot) and suddenly she would NOT sleep and here I was, sitting and bouncing on the fitball, clutching her to my chest and sobbing uncontrollably and saying "What have we donnnnnnnne! I don't wanna do this, I changed my mind but we can't give her back now!"
Hey Sarah, thanks for the link! Will have to take a read of it tonight (Sam's just woken up).
Also, it's funny how life happens to throw certain things your way. I took time out to watch Oprah during lunch today and her show today was about the mum who accidently left her 2 year old daughter in the car. While the show was mainly about her, it also was about how mums feel overwhelmed and 'not a good mother' and included recordings from other mums who called in to express their feelings.
One of the mums who left a message was tearfully saying "I usually feel like my kids deserve better than me..." and I was like "Yes! That's how I sometimes feel!" A lot of those messages just resonated.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
This is definitely something that worries me. We've been married 3-1/2 years and have absolutely loved our time as "just the two of us". We consciously made the choice to TTC and I don't regret it at all. However, I had quite a bit of anxiety when we were out of the 1st tri. I thought, "OMG, this is for real. This is really happening. What have we done?!"
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please let us know what the doctor says. I'm not sure how I'll be post-partum, but I'm comforted to know that I have a safe place to discuss things like this if need be.
I think a big part of the issue with the emotions I experienced is the sudden, inescapable realization that this is permanent. I mean - you know it before, you chose this, you read about it, but you don't really KNOW it until you're insanely hormonal, sleep deprived, utterly terrified, have no idea what you're doing and you can't give it back to anyone! It's not that you don't love your baby, it's just...overwhelming. Really, crazily overwhelming.
I've talked to a few mothers since then, and when I worked up the courage to mention this to them, I got resounding replies of "Me too!" I wish more women would be open and honest when they have these emotional/mental struggles (I'm not saying everyone does, but obviously a fair percentage of us do), but there's sooooo much mommy guilt that you don't want to admit that things are less than happy and perfect lest everyone thinks you're a bad mother.
Anyway, I'm off topic...Tina, please let us know how you go after you see the doctor!
this.
hugs Tina. Let us know how things go for you - I hope it gets better. You're an awesome mum to Maya and Samara.