Pity Party for Myself...

maceymay1816 · September 2010

This day has freakin sucked. Up until today I had convinced myself the surgery was going to be the trick and all would be well. I have been incredibly positive about this whole mess my body is in, until today. CD1 is just around the corner and I am freaking the fvck out. Today I actually had a panic attack at work (yup, it was embarrassing). I'm not scared of the surgery, I'm scared of the what if's.

What if I get my hopes up and we have more and more losses? What if they go in and have to remove both tubes and there is no other option except IVF, which I can't afford? What if my husband decides to find himself a woman with good reproductive organs? What if this doesn't work, we can't afford IVF and can't afford adoption? The what if's are making my head spin.

And I'm angry. I'm angry that all these people I know right now are pregnant, or just had babies. Just so I don't get flamed I'm happy for my friends, just angry/jealous it's not me. I'm angry that every extra bit of my money is being set aside to pay for all the stuff not covered by insurance. I'm angry that I feel like a bitter evil person when someone tells me they are pregnant and I can't seem to control the eyerolls. This should be easier and it's not and now I have to start injecting my body with medication and allow a doc to tell me when i should have sex just to have a 10-12% chance of having a child!!!!

Ok, sorry I had to vent and I didn't want to unload all that on DH. Now I must go wipe the tears from my face and cook dinner. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Olive44 · September 2010

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are having such a hard day. I know the what-ifs are scary, but you just have to try to not focus on that. You should also think what if the surgery goes exactly as planned, you move on to injectibles, and that does the trick. I hope that is the case! I'll be thinking about you next week.

butterfly843 · September 2010

((hugs))

KristysRedBarn · September 2010

I'm so sorry. This is what we are here for. Hugs.

mdm2137 · September 2010

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. The what ifs suck, and it's hard not to think of them. ((hugs))

GuppyAmy · September 2010

I'm sorry your going through this. Take a deep breath, pour yourself a glass of wine, and try to focus on one thing at a time. The big picture is a very scary thing!