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Getting on the same page with DH on discipline, consistency, etc. (long)
Sometimes I feel like DH is walking fun entertainment for DS and I feel like I am always the one saying "you shouldn't do that, or this". I want us to be on the same page with discipline (in the future, obviously we have limited discipline this young), but I feel like even if we agree on something - if DS and DH are alone, DH will do it anyway if DS gets fussy. It's like he doesn't see how it "hurts" anything to give him his paci, stay up later, not brush teeth, etc. (especially if that means if DH doesn't have to "deal with" a fussy kiddo.) I don't care about the actual event happening/not happening, but I see it as showing inconsistantcy from whatever I do - which is confusing to DS.
Also, ususally the "rule" that is getting "broken" is a rule to break or create a habit for DS. Example: We got DS trained to paci only at night awhile back, so, I was giving it to him when he got in his crib. But I started noticing that he would go to his crib and "cry" for it when we would just go upstairs for the nighttime routine. I would just divert his attention, and wait until the crib. But I found out that DH gives the paci as soon as they go upstairs for bath (hence the crying at the crib) - and also, sometimes right after school. It really just makes my blood boil! Not necessarily b/c he has the paci, but b/c I feel DH is skirting trying to "parent" by sticking a paci in his mouth. He thinks he is just keeping him quiet and he likes it, so what is the harm? I feel like DS is slowly regressing with the paci b/c he knows if he cries, DH will give it to him.
I guess I feel like since I am on these boards, I have a lot more "data" and/or research on matters than he does, so I feel my points are more valid. But I am certain DH doesn't see it this way. He just does whatever is convenient for him at the time.
How can I be tactful with DH, instead of always feeling like I am saying "We need to do it this (my) way"? Or, do I just need to have the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality, and not let our different styles bother me so much, and DS will adapt? I just feel like if a kid is acting up, the "blame" automatically goes to the mother, so I feel like DS's actions will always reflect back to me (regardless of if they are really a result of DH's side-parenting), so I am trying to do things the "right" way (as if anyone knows what right is!)
I do know DS is really young right now - so it's not the "discipline" that worries me - it's that I am slowly realizing that there is going to always be a difference of opinion of how to raise DS "right".
Thanks for listening if you have gotten this far! :-)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting on the same page with DH on discipline, consistency, etc. (long)
DH was reading a parenting book that said we shoudl get rid of the paci by 6 months and I didn't agree, so instead of doing different things with DS, we decided to call the pedi and see what he thought. It was our idea of a tie breaker.
In the future I know we won't be able to solve all of our disagreements that way, but we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Have you talked to your DH to get his opinions on each of these decisions? I know that when I explain why I think we should do things a certain way then DH either sees the light, or explains why he thinks differently. I think a unified approach is more important than some of the actual issues.
Sorry you are dealing with this and I hope it gets better soon!
Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
18 cycles (3 with our RE) - Metformin + Clomid + HCG booster did the trick!
BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10
TTC #2 since Dec 2011
BFP #2 7/8/12 EDD: 3/18/12 M/C @ 9w1d: 8/16/12
Thanks! I know he is not trying to rock the boat - and I know I can be over-concerned sometimes - so I just want a middle ground. We we do discuss our views, I can usually cite this book or that website, etc. for my reasoning, and his is "just b/c" - so it seems like we get nowhere.
I don't have any advice because we are going through the same thing in our house. DH is a total softy when it comes to DD. He will give her whatever she wants because it just hurts his little heart to hear her fuss/cry. He will let her get away with anything and everything and I'm the one to be made to look like the bad guy. I never thought it would start this early, but yep...2 years old and she already knows she can get her way with DH.
This has caused many an argument in our house. DH knows that it's causing issues when he gives in, but then he turns around and does it anyway. It's beyond frustrating.
So if you figure it out, let me know because we sure could use some advice/help in our household.
I don't necessarily recommend saying this to DH cause that can hurt his feelings/aggravate him. It may not be that he is trying to take the "easy way" he just may not see the same importance that you do... and rather than fight YOU... he's letting him do it.
Not the right approach but... talk to him. Maybe you need to find a middle ground on things that are important to you and why... and vice versa.
We had a difficult time with this when we were 1st married since I was the only parent for DD for 4 years and then all of a sudden I had to learn how to co-parent.
I would just pick your battles. If the paci thing really bothers you just ask him, hey can we agree to just give him his paci only in the crib so he's used to only having it there?
I think a lot of the things I was so worried about when A was younger just really weren't as big of a deal as I made them out to be. DH and I parent differently, but as long as we both have the same end "result" in mind then I let it slide.
Collin Thayne 10.11.2010