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Single Parents
Very confused about his reality
This is my first time posting on this board because I just now am accepting that I am going to be a single parent.
I'm a very silly girl who was in love and thought the married co-worker I was having a relationship with loved me, too. He and his wife just had a child so of course he couldn't leave and I understood. Until I told him I was pregnant and now it is completely acceptable in his moral book to leave this child without a father.
On the plus side, he has not been so insulting to ask for paternity testing and has offered emotional and financial support throughout my pregnancy, though he will only continue the financial support after our child's birth.
My confusion is that he is not planning on telling his wife about any of this. I'm wondering if anyone else thinks this is plausible? I told him I will be requiring legal paperwork to ensure CS is paid. Worse is that for now we must continue to work together, though most of our co-workers know of the situation. He states he can financially take care of us without her knowledge, but it seems insane he thinks she will not find out.
And as much as I should have (and did, many times, believe me) thought of her before, I feel like she has a right to know. It's one thing to have an affair and then move on if you let go of your feelings and connection with your outside love. But to have another child? This baby will be her child's sibling and she won't even know about it? I'm just perplexed and confused how this can possibly work and would greatly appreciate any input.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Very confused about his reality
Your suggestion that he is wrong to leave your child fatherless is comical considering your knowledge that he had a wife and a baby as you were screwing him.
I agree it is hard to know how to act honorably now. Your options are to either file in court where she will find out, or you can try to work it through him and go to court if he were to fail. I think your concern about the half sibling and the wife's right to know are misplaced. The good news is that his desire to keep it a secret will probably inspire him to pay in a timely fashion.
Once you figure out whether you want formal or informal child support, focus on your life. Switch jobs and move if you have to, but MOVE ON for both your sake and the baby's.
** To below poster: Is the op NOT suggesting he is wrong to leave her son childless?
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I agree - trust me I know that I have not acted honorably and have no defense for my own actions. I feel very stupid and naieve and have to live with that. At this point though I am trying to think of not only my child, but of his "other" family, too, and am wondering what is best for us all.
I would stop thinking of him and his family. I would wait until your child is born, and file for child support through the courts. If he wants to establish a visitation schedule, let him do that on his own.
"I am trying to think of not only my child, but of his "other" family, too, and am wondering what is best for us all. "
I think that you should be putting you and your son first, not his family. You would do that by moving on emotionally and physically. Part of that *might* be committing to stay single for a period of time to begin to understand why you chose to be with a married colleague who in no way could have been in a real relationship. I feel strongly that your focus should be you and your child only, but that may be my drama avoidance bias.
In all likelihood she will eventually find out about you and any other mistresses/children he has spawned. Even when she does I can't imagine the half-siblings meeting up at quasi-family barbecues so I don't think there is any reason for you to say anything on behalf of your baby.
*IF you were to choose to let her know, the way to do it is through the court child support papers, not some Maury moment. But I think your conscience check is whether there is joy in letting her know. If there is any bit of joy or revenge involved in telling on him then it is not the right thing to do.
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This guy sounds like trash! Even if he did eventually leave his wife for you he has already proven he is a cheating bast@rd!! I say ditch him. Just find a different job (your not that far along it shouldn't be difficult) and just sever your ties. When it comes time to file for CS do it through the state. His wife will find out eventually and honestly there probably won't be any "special playdates" later.
If that doesn't work out. Then call Maury!!
I (and I'm sure a few others on this board) are a little too close to situations like this to not get snarky... so I'll just say "what BGG says".
I can't even imagine wanting to date a guy who was married, let alone one with small children/babies/pregnant spouses.
I cannot believe I am in this trainwreck, either! Honestly, this whole thing is a mess and I see how I got here, but not sure how I let myself. Stupid and in love; I'd judge me if I saw this story, too.
The job situation is a tricky issue. He is actually seeking out new employment, but works in a very specialized field. I don't feel as if I can leave my position being pregnant because my company offers AMAZING benefits and things I'll very much need as a single mommy, such as shortened hours and flexibility. So really we are just waiting for him to find something new and I'm trying to handle it the best I can while he is still around.
But thanks to everyone on their comments. I am trying to focus on myself and having a happy and healthy pregnancy more than anything. This is my first child and I want to enjoy the experience, despite the circumstances. I've made poor decisions for myself up until this point, and don't want to do that for my child. And since I realize how fascinating this situation may be - I'll be sure to keep you all updated ;0)
It sounds like you know that getting involved with a married man was wrong but I am certainly in no position to give you crap about that and I am guessing that anyone here who has ever made a mistake in judgment shouldnt throw stones either...
that being said the bigger picture is you and your child and ensuring that you are going to get the support you and your child need. He wants to keep it a secret but to me this sounds impossible and wrong. Impossible because eventually this will hurt your child. PERIOD. There is no way to go through life being someone's dirty secret without being hurt by it one way or another and PP was right....this child will be a half sibling to his current child and would you be happy if your child always took second fiddle just because he/she were conceived illegitmately? Is that fair?
Visitation, child support, etc will always come second to his "real family" so long as your baby is a secret and all is well and good now he is promising he will follow through but the secrecy alone puts all those promises in jeopardy. You cannot control whether or not he tells his wife and I certainly wouldnt recommend you knocking on her door but I think you need to make it clear that this secrecy thing is not going to work. In the end he will get off with the good life and you will always feel like his dirty secret and that will somehow rub off on your beautiful miracle that came out of a mistake in judgment. That doesnt seem fair to me.
In my opinion it is time for both of you to own up to the error you made and make it right in the best way possible. That means taking responsibility for your actions and facing the music no matter how bad it might sound so that your baby may grow and flourish without feeling like a sin. At some point you will have to find a way to feel like you matter and your child matters enough to fight to get out of the closet.
I really dislike homewreckers. - Why would you go through with an affair knowing he was married? I don't understand it. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but of course he is not going to father your child the same way he fathers his wife's. You were just a roll in the hay for him.
Worry about your little one and yourself. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. Chances are he won't. Like somebody else said, the good news is that since he does not want his wife to find out he will most likely never miss a payment, in fear of causing a fight leading to his wife finding out about his double life.
Good Luck.
I just wouldn't worry so much about her finding out, having the right to know, etc. I think that your main focus needs to be on your unborn child, and providing for it, and in turn, getting CS from the father.
I guess I don't really see the benefit of you telling his wife. If he wants to keep it a secret from her (which likely won't happen for long) that is his problem. Obviously it shows a great deal about his character, but this was also already the case when he decided to have an affair.
I would seek counseling to try to figure out why you played a role in this affair and also to help you move on from this man. He sounds like a poor excuse for a human being.
(I have to also add the disclaimer that this also his close to home for me, but I did try to give advice not based on my own biased experience)
And also, I agree with those who say worry about you and the baby and your own situation right now. You can't control whether or not he finds a new job, but it's important to stay somewhere with great benefits, at least for the next year or so.
Wow---really helpful advice BB.
OP-
You need to do what is best for your child and not worry about the consequences for him and his "other life". He is as much a part of this as you were. Yes, you know it was wrong, but you can deal with it the right way. Take care of yourself, damage control your career and file the necessary paperwork with the court when the time comes.
I know it seems rough right now but things will work out for the best. Just don't get your hopes up in his regard. Married men don't leave their wives....generally their wives leave them when they find out what they've been up to!
Just be the bigger person and I wish you luck. The last thing you need from people is snark.
It does, absolutely cut close to home. Though my current unexpected pregnancy is from my STBX, I cannot help but have compassion for her situation.
I once had an "affair" with a man I worked with---he was not married but he was a higher up. I got fired for other reasons, but it was determined that I was terminated without just cause so I did get unemployment benefits. She needs to focus on her job and let the chips fall where they may. If this effects her job in any way it will give them a reason to get rid of her.. if she manages it well and busts her ass, she should be okay.
They did an STI panel for both of my pregnancies, I thought that was a standard practice?
I considered terminating my current pregnancy. I'll just come out and say it. I could not do it. I went to an abortion clinic and everything, but the moment I saw my baby on the screen I knew there was no way I could do it. I was already 16 weeks and it was not an option for me. I could never go back to a place like that again. It was an awful experience.
Yes, if they fight over custody it could draw things out, but I doubt that would happen in this situation. His wife is going to want to be as far removed from this as possible. How painful would it be to have a reminder of your husbands infidelity around daily?
I do wish OP the best. This is a rough situation for all involved.
Uh, I dont know if you advice is the best at all. Its a lot easier said than done to terminate a pregnancy and there reasons not to are as numerous as the reasons to do it. Yeah it may be the quick fix on paper but for some ending the life of their baby no matter what conditions it was conceived under is not an easy thing to do. There are other options and she CAN make it on her own. It will be a long hard struggle but it is not impossible. I am sorry but I can't imagine suggesting the best course of action to someone would be to terminate their pregnancy. Who is anyone to suggest such a thing?
As far as any of you giving her hell for being involved with a married man, I realize this might be tough for you to examine past your own experience and I would never condone such an action or ask you to but this woman's issues are after the fact, she has admitted to a grave lapse in judgment and yes that lapse lead to the hurting or potential hurting of a lot of people but she is now in a bit of a conundrum and came on this board not for flogging with a wet noodle but with an interest in humbly asking for advice on "what to do now". Do yourselves a favor....maybe in the interest of your own healing...and try to see past your own problems... Like it or not this woman has to make some hard decisions and if it pains you too much because it is too close to home you can always not participate in the discussion.
Why do you have 3 tickers? It's a bit much, lol.
Anyway, it's not your place to be the one to tell his wife. If he chooses not to tell her that's his decision. To me it sounds like the only reason "the other woman" would want to tell the wife is to rub it in her face. I'm pretty sure his wife won't want your kid around even though it's her kid's half-sibling.
Thanks for your input everyone (excepting the obvious poster who chose to berate me and ignore the reason for my post).
Decided to let him deal with the issues of his marital relationship. It's not my place to tell her and I don't personally wish her any harm; I wish much of this had occurred differently. When this affair started we were both married. As soon as the line I was crossed I could not handle the guilt and told my husband about it and left my marriage. I wish he would have done the same, but I cannot control his actions, only my own.
So will be focusing solely on my child and pregnancy from this point on. Thank you all for the advice and support. It's much appreciated and was needed during this difficult time.
Ya know....what's done is done, and good for you for admitting you did wrong but now wanting to focus on how to do things right.
Just wanted to put in my two cents...I have a very close male friend and colleague who is married. He's very well-respected in the community, and for years, I thought he was a good family man who was true to his wife of 26 years. Ha. Well, long story short, I found out that not only does he have "girlfriends" in just about every city he visits, but he has two illegitimate children (5 and 10 years old), in addition to his 2 children with his wife (25 and 13). His wife knows about his "indiscretions", but puts up with it because she loves him. I don't agree with it, but it's their battle to fight. Anyway, SHE was the one who insisted that he do the right thing and arrange for visitation in these kids' lives. Child support was never an issue--he's wealthy, and the women were always taken care of. Unfortunately, both mothers decided they just wanted his check--they didn't want him in their lives or their kid's--so that's all he does, is have his accountant send a check every month.
All this to say that no, it's not your place to tell his wife, but that hopefully if/when she does find out, if she decides to stay with him, then at least she'll encourage him to do the right thing.