Would this bother you? (long)

ashleyrsotomayor · September 2010

I am not sure how to feel about this, because I don't want to be an AW who thinks it's all about me. So what do you think? Here's the background:

DH and I have been going to a small group Bible study with 5 couples from church since last year. We are all good friends now, and while we don't do a lot outside of our weekly small group meetings, we are fairly close. DH and I and one other couple are the only ones without kids, then two of the couples are expecting their first this fall, one couple just had their first in March, and the other couple is trying for a second after a m/c which happened at the same time as mine.

When my first m/c happened, everyone was really supportive, especially because another one of the couples had one at the same time. They offered to bring us dinner, walk our dog, etc.

When the second one happened this past month, DH and I decided we needed to take a break from small group because seeing all the pg couples and babies and listening to them talk about pregnancy and babies the whole time (I don't think they are aware that bothers us) is really hard. I told this to the other girl who had the m/c at the same time as me, and I think she "got it" because she has been through it, but at the same time she already has a daughter and isn't being tested for all kinds of things to figure out what's wrong. I told her to tell the group what was going on and why we would be absent for a few weeks.

Since then, not one of them has emailed us, called us, or said anything about what happened. We get the weekly emails about where they are meeting for the week, etc. and then I get one this week about a surprise baby shower they want to do for the two girls expecting around my first EDD....ouch.

So, I don't want to be a totally brat and not participate in planning the showers, etc. but I feel really hurt that it didn't occur to any of them that I could use some love right now and that this whole baby shower thing is not going to be easy for me. I feel like maybe they think I am just being ridiculous and selfish. It kind of irks me that no one has even thought to check in with us after we have been gone now a few weeks. Like just a quick text message or FB message "Hey, how are you? Are you feeling ok?" When the other couple had their baby in March we took food over and all that...then she had a seizure over the summer and I offered to take care of her dogs and was checking on her several times.

I also got a card and everything with the first m/c....nothing this time. Am I being stupid?

kellbelle618 · September 2010

I don't think you are being stupid. I have been going through this with my m/c too. It's like everyone just has blown past it like it wasn't a big deal, ya know? At least that is how I felt. My mom and my family and my friends all knew what happened and they all said how sorry they were, whatever, but then it was like no big deal. I even read an email my mom sent to my aunt saying I was fine and I seemed to be "over it." I felt completely unsupported (and I still do). No one called, no one texted, no one said anything to me after my m/c even though they all knew. No one understands why it was hard for me to go to my SIL's baby shower last weekend and was told I was being rude for sitting in my room away from everyone a lot over the course of the weekend. No one bothered to stop and think, wow this is probably really hard for Kelly. I'm glad she came, but I understand why it is hard for her to be out here staring at SIL's big pregnant belly all the time. Wow, ok this kind of turned into a vent accidentally. I guess the point is I don't think you are being stupid at all because I have felt the exact same way. Just know that we care, we are checking in on you to see how you are doing. (((HUGS)))

ashleyrsotomayor · September 2010

Thanks....I know you gals all understand my feelings, and sometimes I think they are irrational, but they are there and they are real and there is nothing I can do about it. It just makes me mad when I feel like no one recognizes I need some support here!!! I feel like yelling it out sometimes!!!!

I know if a friend was having a hard time with anything, I would at least check in and make sure things are ok...

millejj1 · September 2010

I think you're ok to be upset by it. You did have the girl tell you that you were having medical tests done and this is a group that you've been attending for awhile. They could have at least called or included that they were thinking of you in the weekly email.

I think it all comes back to the fact that m/c is something that is still taboo and women are expected to just get over it. So sorry!

KristysRedBarn · September 2010

It would/does bother me. We quit going to our small group class for pretty much the same reason. They didn't even notice we were missing though for about 3 months, took them 6 months to ask why and then when we told them, they said we were being ridiculous. We're currently looking for a new church home.

ColleenS629 · September 2010

You are definitely not being bratty or selfish. I was also very upset that no one seemed to care about my loss. No one brought me food or anything or even sent a card. No one even asked me how I was after the first week or so. It's like life just went back to normal for everyone and they completely forgot about it or disregarded the fact that I was still affected by it.

Fififa21 · September 2010

Ashley, your feelings are normal. I felt the same way after my mc. None of my friends from church called, texted, came by, checked in on me...nada. And a lot of my other friends back in the US pulled away too. It sucked. But it also showed me who my true friends are and who is too busy/cool to be my friend. I completely understand you not wanting to go and I don?t blame you. I wouldn?t want to either.

ashleyrsotomayor · September 2010

Fififa21:
Ashley, your feelings are normal. I felt the same way after my mc. None of my friends from church called, texted, came by, checked in on me...nada. And a lot of my other friends back in the US pulled away too. It sucked. But it also showed me who my true friends are and who is too busy/cool to be my friend. I completely understand you not wanting to go and I don?t blame you. I wouldn?t want to either.

Thanks. I feel guilty not going, so I told them we would be back this week, but to be honest I REALLY don't want to go. It just made me feel like crap, like they don't even care about me at all and I am not a real friend. My BFF from college (she lives in NY) sent me a gift card for ice cream....now that's a real friend!

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