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Parenting
joseysbride
member
s/o about my uncomfortable at preschool post...
joseysbride
member
in Parenting
It really made me feel a lot better to hear that I'm not the only one who feels that way, so thank you all who jumped in that post.
I was thinking more about it all last night, and I was wondering if this is true for anyone else. When I was younger...in grade school, high school, college...I was so much more outgoing. I went to college 6 hours from home, not knowing a single person there, and it didn't phase me at all. Sure, that first semester was tough with not being able to travel home to see my family and not knowing many people, but I had no problems putting myself out there and trying to "fit in."
Since having kids, though, I am so much different in that respect. I find it so hard to even stay connected with the friends I do have. There is always something going on, and it seems like my friendships with other women take the back burner to everything else I have going on. I really hate that.
I always just thought that it was because of the fact that I have kids now, and my life is much busier, but now I am wondering if that's really not the case for me.
And then that brings me to this...I listen to a radio program every day during lunch where people call in with their problems and they get feedback from a great group of psychologists. Every time there is a woman who calls in and says they have a hard time connecting or staying connected with people, other women especially, they ask them, "what was your relationship with your mother like?" I bet 99% of those women have issues with their mother.
Okay, I am rambling now, but I'm just wondering...have you found that after having kids you are less outgoing in social settings?
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Re: s/o about my uncomfortable at preschool post...
I have no issues w/ my mom other than typical mother/daughter. But, she was very, very shy and didn't ever get out and talk with people. She was really self conscieous (sp) because she's 4' 11" and didn't go to college. Don't ask.
She was just introverted. Of course she had friends as did I, but she never encouraged me to go out for a team sport, volunteer, get involved w/ an organization, or anything like that. I attribute some of my hesitation and inwardness (yea, I made it up) to that, and part to my personality.
Christmas 2011
j*w* - That is true for me, too. I do still have a small group of great friends, and they do understand if we don't see each other often. Where I am starting to struggle, though, is that I am trying to get my business going and when they all get together, there are a lot of times when I can't. So, I end up feeling kind of left out and out of the loop, which is my own fault I know, but it is also hard to set my priorities when there are so many things right now that feel like they should be on top.
I am not less outgoing, time with friends is just very low on the priority list. I am ok with it though, I have my sister and my best friend who I am extremely close with and fill up any real "friend time" I have. Honestly I enjoy spending time alone more than I do with friends when I am not with the kids and DH.
I'm actually more outgoing. I know that it's not really easy to do at the preschool level but my suggestion is that when they enter elementary school that you get involved. I have found that being involved in the Home and School Club and volunteering has really helped me meet a ton of people. It kind of forces you to be involved and create friendships. Now that we are going into our 3rd year of elementary school I have so many new friends and we all hang out outside of the classroom.
Also, I noticed in yesterdays post that you seem to feel like your age was a factor. It's probably best to let age worried go. As a parent you'll meet people in a wide rang of ages...I know a mom friend that is 44 with a 7 year old and I also know one who is 24. Most moms seem to be in their early 40's and I am 35 and it doesn't affect our friendships at all.
Here's the unique thing about our group of friends...WE are what they have in common. So, we really only get together with one family at a time because that is how we met them. That being the case, there is never really a situation where we feel left out. BUT, I can 100% see where you are coming from there; that is a terrible feeling.
I will say that with one group of mom friends I have...they do get togethers on week nights. For the past 2 times, it's been a Weds night at 8pm, after the kids are in bed. Coming up, it's a Sunday night. Sure, you sacrifice being tired one day, but it is so fun and so worth it. Maybe you could start up something like that. And, this is once a month, not once a week, so definitely do-able.
Grace, that is good to know. I mentioned in the page to me below that I did fill out the volunteer form, and am really hoping that will help me to meet the others.
Also, I think I was misunderstood about the age in my post yesterday. The only reason I mentioned age was because I feel that everyone must be old enough to have older children in the school, so they already know each other that way. KWIM?
I agree once a month is do-able. My group of mom friends are all on a volleyball team together, so they do that every week. That is where I sort of feel out of the loop. I really wanted to do that, but I don't feel like I can take another night every week away from my family than I already am.
For me it is different.
All the moms that I saw last year all attended the same church, social gatherings and their kids played sports together. Husbands when to school together...
We did none of that. This is the first yr we started sports. We just got into a church and honestly don't really have time for social functions. Hell date night is hard to find.
We just aren't those types of people. It is a hard pill to swallow. We are lonely. I think I would have gone off the deep end if my sister wasn't near us.
I have met a few ladies that have been great but we rarely hang out. DH works late and the times I have been asked to join a girls night, I can't really take them up on their offer. They finally stopped asking.
I talked to my MIL about this and she said "suck it up, I can go to any place and with in a few days I will have friends, book clubs, yoga buddies and tea parties. You got to put yourself out there. Be willing to take a chance. Walk up to the ladies and say hi, and ask silly questions like "where did you get her _____ at. I have been looking for one just like that."
She is right. The woman is a freaking social butterfly. She literally has more friends here than we do, and she lives 1500 miles away.
and I know I have connection issues. It isn't mommy issues. I love my mom. It isn't daddy issues, I never knew him. I blame it on military family issues and never being anywhere for more than 2 yrs so I stopped making connections. I stopped trying. It was easier to be alone than to break away from a little normalcy. This is the longest i have lived anywhere in my entire life (5 yrs).
sorry I rambled.. tough day.
I can relate to your post yesterday and today on so many levels.
As for yesterday's, we started a new preschool this past spring. I find it hard to connect to many of the moms or dads that are there because it seems like such a small tight-knit group. The preschool had an open house for new families starting this summer, and we were left off the list. Made me feel a bit out of place when I heard about it later. It's gotten better though, and I find that talking to the parents of the children that my kids gravitate toward has helped.
And for today's post, I think I am the same as far as how outgoing I am now vs. when I was younger. However, I just don't have time for friends. It's so cliche', but I am a mom and my family/DH/kids are my priority. I wouldn't say that I have a hard time connecting with others (or other women), but I am someone who has several friends, but not very many close friends. I have one BFF, and severed ties with another BFF. I will say that my relationship with my mom was more superficial and I definitely don't have a strong mother-daughter relationship. Perhaps that says something.
Actually, I've become much more outgoing as an adult and even moreso since having kids. I was a real introvert when I was a teen and it took me a whole semester of college to really come out of my shell (I went far away for school from small town to city).
When DD was born we had just moved to a new city so I really connected with a lot of people since I was making friends AND friends who had kids at the same time.
I'm one of those people who will always ask for your number if we make a connection at the park, museum, gym, whatever.
I am less outgoing now than when I was younger but it has nothing to do with my being a mom, I just got more shy as I got older. And I have an amazing relationship with my mom. I can still be outgoing in certain settings and I don 't have an issue making small talk in settings like my kids drop off as I can always find something to talk about related to school or the kids - it other situations that I find harder now than I did was I was younger.
I tend to gravitate to the parents of the kids my girls are friends with. We do play dates and such that become family outtings and my DH and I always have a great time. We do swim class weekly with one of the families. My older DD just started Pre-K and I am excited to get to know the parents of the other kids. I don't see any at drop off since my DD is the 1st one there but I pick up at a busy pick-up time and always say hi to the other parents. We have a parents night at the end of the month and I am looking forward to getting to meet the parents when the kids are not there so we can actually talk. I also plan to volunteer when possible (I work full time) and get more involved and I know I will meet other parents that way. Same with religious school when my older DD starts next year - heck, I will have a few hours every Sunday morning to hang out and meet people.
Hmmm...interesting topic. I've always kind of had a hard time fitting in with other women. I took more after my dad with my mouth, and I find that I don't have that "sweet mommy" filter that other moms have. I tend to be too honest with women, and it seems that with mothers especially, it weirds them out.
I also did not grow up having a great relationship with my mom. She's very quiet and generally scared of everything. I find that when we are out together, I have to speak for her a lot. She has no courage at all and is NOT outgoing.
I tend to use my kids as an "in" with other women, if that makes sense. I don't really have to talk to other moms, but just be around them with my kids. That's why I joined the MOMS Club and a playgroup. I haven't really clicked with any of the women, but it's kind of nice to have some surface relationships with other moms. It lets me know that I'm not totally alone, especially since I'm a full time SAHM.
I don't know if that answered any of your questions though. I'm not super outgoing at all, but when I'm in the mood, I can hold my own. I won't say I don't get anxious about it though, because I really do. Ashlyn starts preschool next week, and I'm a little nervous about that situation.