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Adoption
telling family/friends about your decision to adopt...
I'm just trying to get a 'feel' for how and when we want to tell everyone. I'm curious to find out if (1) you decided to tell them your decision initially, or (2) you decided to tell them once you got matched with a BM. Did you tell different people in stages? Like immediate family first, then so on and so on?
Also, if you have any cute, simple ideas on how to deliver this message to family/friends, that would be wonderful too! I'm worried about how the hub's family is going to take this news...as they are, how do you say...a little close-minded on things like this.
Sorry for all the newb questions I've posted in the past couple of days. And, as always, if you'd rather send a PM, feel free. Thanks!
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Re: telling family/friends about your decision to adopt...
Most of our family and friends knew that we were going through treatments so it was no big deal for us to tell them that we had decided to adopt. I'm not going around and telling everyone I see or meet but those we are close with no our story and what we're going through and I get excited sharing the stages with them.
In regards to your hubby's family, I had the same fears with my inlaws. They are very traditional people and I just didn't see them reacting in a positive light. However, I was wrong. I think you will be amazed at what people can handle. Especially when it means that they will have a grandbaby. Good luck with your process.
We discussed the decision with my kids since they were going to be most effected first. Then as things seemed like it was going to happen we told our Moms and told them to keep it on the down low. Our mothers spread the news around after the homestudy was completed and we told our friends that we needed to write letters for us. It took a long time and out situation was different so we did not want to get everyones hopes up to soon.
DH family took it better at first since they knew he could not have kids but my family did not have a problem with it either.
We told our parents and close family when we were researching. Once we started the home study we sent my dad a baby frame with a message in the window of it saying, "Picture coming soon, we are adopting......". And for DH's parents we had a bouquet of blue and pink baloons delivered to their house with a card attatched that just simply said "Love, A and C". They obviously called and were a little confused as they know we can't have biological children. This was months after we mentioned our research process so it wasn't fresh in their minds.
We started telling people slowly as we were working on our homestudy, once we were approved and officially waiting we told just about everyone. I do regret this a little bit just because we've waiting close to a year now and people are starting to get anxious and ask ALL the time what's going on. I do appreciate that but some people (not family or close friends) kind act like it will never happen.
Just be careful of who you tell too early. For me, I learned who truly cares about me through this process. Some people don't take adoption serious and it's so sad to me. Good luck in your journey and I look forward to seeing you on the board more.
Pretty much all of our family/friends do not know of our IF or treatments; so I'm sure some/all/most of them may be shocked at this news. I'm just hoping that they are supportive! And, I hope you're right about my ILs. Thanks!
I think that the underlined above is a concern for us as well. I know my family won't have any issues...my dad was adopted (back in the 50s) as are a few of my cousins. Thanks!
aaawww..I absolutely love the picture coming soon idea! That's wicked cute! The underlined above is so sad to 'hear'...to think that there are those that don't think adoption is serious, especially now-a-days...this is what I fear with my ILs! GL to you and thanks!!
We told our family once we signed up with our agency. After we told our immediate family then we started telling our friends. We've been lucky, everyone we told is really supportive. But they all knew we were struggling with infertility for the past 2 years. So I don't think it was a big shock, I can see how it would be a little harder if they didn't know about that. But I think they would have still been happy and supportive, they just would of had more questions. I would recommend having as much information as you can to answer their questions. My parents had alot of questions and concerns simply because they didn't know anything about it. And of course had heard all the horror stories, and were mostly just worried about us. But I told them all the facts and gave them the information packet from our agency to read over, and after that they jumped on board with us. DH's dad and his 3 siblings were all adopted, so his family knew the drill, and was immediately excited.
GL! Enjoy telling everyone!
With my family and close friends, it was just an organic change in the discussion, as they already knew about my m/c's and knew we were shifting our focus from IF treatments to adoption. With DH's family, he just told MIL one weekend when she came to visit. No one in the family had known about anything, as they are a giant group of Negative Nellies. We let MIL spread the news to the rest of DH's family, which took about an hour. They all live close by and know everything that's going on with each other.
At least in our situation, there is no way we would have waited until we were matched to tell people. As it was, we had an emergency placement (baby was already born), so we literally became parents overnight. That would have been a bit much for just about anyone to handle.
Immediate family and close friends knew as soon as we decided, we told more distant friends as a note in our Christmas cards after our profile went active, and work knew around that same time.
I'm not big on cute ways to announce pregnancies or plans to adopt, so I go for the simple, direct approach of telling the family that you have news and that you're planning to adopt. I was worried how DH's family would react, but we made a point to go into it very positively, with a lot of excitement, and they responded in kind. We provided each set of parents with a copy of Adoption for Dummies and told them they could ask us anything they wanted. It went very well. They asked us how things were going throughout the process, but weren't intrusive or naggy about it, and now that DD is here, they are the happiest grandparents you ever did see. MIL and her mom threw us an awesome baby shower when DD was 6 weeks old and his entire family came. It was like Christmas.
GL
Adoptive Families Magazine just had an article on this! Click here, opens in new window.
We did a couple of different things. The first time around we wrote a letter to family and friends explaining why we chose adoption and Korea, explaining the process, and tried to answer questions that we thought would come up. It gave everyone time to process it in their own time and allowed them to be a part of the journey with us. We sent it out just after we started out homestudy. We also took the time to educate our family and close friends about appropriate adoption language through the wait for referral...that was the best thing we did because my friend then understood why the question "You can't have your own?" would sting so much. Many of them in turn also talked to their kids about adoption so they'd understand why one day I had no baby and no belly and the next a cute baby!
The second time around we had some difficulties because of my medical history so when we were accepted by an agency we didn't tell any one. Then when we did receive our referral, our son was the one to share the news...and he was SO STINKING PROUD! (You'll see his big smile at the top of the article!)
We told our family when we began the homestudy process. It was a shock to our parents, because they didn't know we were doing any IF treatment or that we had even been TTC. It took my mum a few days to get her head around us deciding against IUI/IVF and straight to adoption, but she very quickly got on board.
I suppose I could have warned them sooner, but my mum is not good with secrets and I wasn't comfortable with everyone she met knowing my uterus status (like I knew about her friends' kids).
From there we told siblings, BFFs and my boss (so he would be prepared for the sporadic appointments/meetings), and slowly a few other select people have been brought into the circle of trust. Always in person though. Everyone is very excited for us.
It's not "out" yet though, because we are still early in the process, and I'm not ready for it to be discussed amongst my coworkers or whatever. That will come when we are closer to being matched.