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Babies on the Brain
NavyClan
member
anyone who's gotten a divorce. Help me help a friend.
NavyClan
member
How the hell do you encourage someone to leave their husbands? Is this just a thing I have to keep offering some perspective and advice on when a friend brings it up? she keeps saying she's going to but still hasn't. Is it just a thing she's going to have to do completely on her own? any sage advice you wish someone would have told you?
Short version: she found out H was and had been cheating their entire 2 year marriage. He "came clean," they'll make it work, etc. It's also become clear he's domineering, manipulative, and a little bit abusive. She found out last week he hasnt and isn't going to change. But now he's feeding her "honey you're pregnant and hormonal, I'll forgive you for driving me to cheat if you let me show you what a great father I can be"
She's not pregnant that she knows of. She's been wanting kids and he knows it. Now she's convinced she's ktfu and just COULDN'T make any babies be raised by a divorced mother. Other than gentle guidance, because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't listen if I just grabbed her and shook, how the hell do you show someone they're being manipulated like that? It's like everyone can see it but her and I hate to watch her go through all this.
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Re: anyone who's gotten a divorce. Help me help a friend.
You can't do anything but be her shoulder to cry on and listen to her when she needs to vent.
I've watched my mom go through 3 divorces and my best friend just ended a 6 and a half year relationship that was emotionally abusive from the start.
You can tell her all day long that she needs to leave her husband but she's never going to do it until she's ready and she truly believes it's the right decision for herself. Continuing to tell her how much her husband sucks is just going to push her away. Just be there for her and comfort her in her times of need. Make everything about her. Tell her you just want her to be happy. Don't talk shiit about her husband (even though, by the sounds of it, he totally deserves it).
so for I have managed to keep it about her. He's started to call her at work, and me and another supervisor have volunteered to take any calls for her with the excuse that she's busy can we ask who's calling?
I've told her how proud I am that this time she's going through with it, and she was blown away that anyone thought things were still bad or even cared. She figured when she told everyone to shutup and mind their own business her marriage would work we'd all assume things were good
. I'm taking her out this weekend becuase she doesn't want him to be able to find her out of fear he'll talk her back into having him back. We're going apartment hunting so he won't know where to find her (she already kicked him out) but this new "omg if you're the mother of my child I promise it'll be the thing that finally keeps me faithful" is throwing a huge dent in her confidence. It breaks my heart and shes SO DAMN CLOSE to getting free of this guy. I just wish there was some way I could make her see that no matter what, she's doing the right thing and needs to stay strong in that decision.
Then you need to tell her a story about someone you know.
She met him in middle school and they were on again/off again for awhile. He cheated on her every time they were together, and he cheated on the girls he was with in between. He finally came to his senses and decided to be with her for real. She got pregnant with his baby. She moved in with him, they were happy. Until he confessed a couple years later that he cheated on her with 5 different women AFTER she had the baby. They are no longer together, and he's off cheating on his current girlfriend.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
And that's a true story. He was my abusive boyfriend in high school. I was an in-between girl.
Maybe squeeze it in somehow. Make it seem like you are just gossiping about someone else. Say something like "I have to tell you what my friend is going through."
I'll add that to the other stories I've already told her. I've even brought up if she is pregnant, and it's a daughter, would she ever tell her daughter to stay with a cheating man who's blown all 183759125 of his second chances because THIS time he might change? or if he was abusing her she should stay for the baby? And that that's what she's telling her future daughter if she stays. She knows this now, she really gets it but even she admits she'll melt if he figures out how to manipulate her this time. She's also never been this set in her decision, but still.
I know it bothers me more having grown up abused by my family and every relationship I was in, but it seriously makes me lose my shiit when I think of someone else getting trapped back into a situation like that. I'm scared for her and I don't know what else to do.