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I need an ear .. If you want to listen. (Long)

SaraMaeHeinickSaraMaeHeinick
in Postpartum Depression

Hello, this is my first time posting here. I thought that I would be this "super mom" and that my baby would be this "super baby" .. Oh what a dream!

I have a history of anxiety/depression/OCD. It's been a vicious cycle since I was 16 years old. I had been going on two plus years of FINALLY feeling like a normal person, well at least what I think is normal. Even during my pregnancy I was happy, yes hormonal, but nothing out of the ordinary. It was a wonderful time.

The first couple weeks with baby were great. I found myself feeling great and handling everything with ease and confidence. Well, that is all gone now.

I am angry, irritable, exhausted beyond exhausted, agitated, sad. I dread the days, I dread the nights. I want to sleep and never wake up. I was that mom that was checking on baby every 15 minutes just in case, now I don't even want to get out of bed at night to respond to his cries. I cry all the time myself. I am stressed, overwhelmed, I can't eat, I have no energy, I hate my body, I hate myself. Lately I count down the hours until my husband will get home just so I can go to bed.

Our baby was just diagnosed with acid reflux. He doesn't sleep for more than about a 1 1/2 hours at a time. And that's a good night. If he's awake he's fussy. He's not happy. I think he hates me and knows that I am a bad mom. I am already on meds. Zoloft/Clonopin/Seroquel. My God, what else can they do for me? I think I'm just going crazy.

I have no desire to hurt my baby in anyway. Absolutely no crazy thoughts about harming anyone, including myself. Just wanting normality. Which I don't even know what that would be.

We tried for five long years to get pregnant. We could never afford the expensive tests, etc. So we went on faith and hope. We gave up and bam I got pregnant! He is a true miracle. I am greatful to have him. I love him more than anything. So how can I feel this other way too?

My husband has been great. But I am hiding my true feelings from him. He knows I am stressed but not the rest. I am SAHM. I'm just flubbering through this motherhood thing. He just turned one month and it's all a blur.

I feel like I am going to miss out on the best of his life and I'll never get that back. I have support from family but he starts to fuss and they don't know how to calm him and it all goes to hell. I really don't have any close friends. I have a lot of anxiety and stay home most of the time. It seems like the friendships I do make I ruin.

Sorry this is so long. I needed to vent. I don't even know if it makes any sense. :-( I just need advice. Any advice. Please anyone ...

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Re: I need an ear .. If you want to listen. (Long)

  • BridezookieBridezookie
    Aww, sorry to read how tough it's been lately. I hope you feel better soon. I recommend finding a local PPD support group. Maybe just having some women to vent to who are going through a similar experience--in person--will make you feel better. And maybe you will meet some new friends there, some new people to add to your support group. Or have you considered therapy, in addition to your meds? Or changing meds?
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  • taylor20204taylor20204 member
    Maybe a medication change?  Zoloft did nothing for me, I took prozac and it's still safe for BF.  I would definitely talk to your Dr. though, something isn't working and all of this is completely fixable.  You will feel better!  And I agree with PP, therapy too.  Sleep deprivation alone is enough to bring on depression/anxiety.  Is there a way you can get a break?  Look into all these things and see what happens...it does take time, but you will get there.  Good luck and feel better!
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  • julybaby23julybaby23
    I'm sorry you feel so lousy! It is only one month post partum. I was still feeling a little jangled at that time (I'm 8 weeks now and finally getting closer to normal) as PP said --do you have a therapist? Can you change meds? Can you take a break? I try to work out at the gym every day. An hour or two away from LO make or break me. It will get better. Use this board as support and hang in there!
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  • SaraMaeHeinickSaraMaeHeinick

    Thanks! I am going to start counseling. I think I just need to be able to talk out the issues in my life. Also, I think a med change is in order.

    I'm more convinced that I am just having extreme anxiety making me stay home which then depressed me and then I get OCD to try to feel better. Grrr .. a vicious cycle.

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