Friend and I fought over SM/BM roles
ambrvan
member
A good friend of mine is a single BM of two boys. She has a terrible relationship with her exH and his GF (who is BSC, btw).
She was talking to me yesterday at work, asking how things were going with SD and BM and if things had gotten better since the CO had been settled this summer. I was updating her vaguely, leaving out most details. I just told her that at first, things seemed like they were going alright and it looked like BM was really making an effort but now it seems like the same crap has started up again and we might be going back to revise the CO or something. But I don't ever telling anyone exactly what is going on. I don't give out those kinds of details even to friends. This town is way too small and words travel way too fast.
Anyway, she started telling me how I am just a babysitter when DH is gone and that other than that I have no real role in SD's life, or at least that I shouldn't. And then she started telling me that she knows what it feels like to be a single BM and getting bullied by the other parent and some other woman who thinks she the mother and that we should keep our nose out of BM's business and just let her parent her kids the way she sees fit, even if we don't agree.
We were at work, and we weren't going to argue over personal matters at work. So I just told her that we both had very different situations, that I understood completely where she was coming from, and I could make her understand our situation, she would might be able to see the other side, as well. I told her if she wanted me to look at it from a BM's perspective, then she had to look at it from our perspective, as well.
We left work on tip toes, kind of. Not mad at each other, but a little irked and a little upset with ourselves.
But we actually made up this morning over text msg. We both apologized for being rude. And I reassured her that I understood where she was coming from. I told her that if I DH and I ever split up and was in BM's or her situation, I wouldn't want to be "bullied." But I told her to remember that if she ever thought for a moment that her child was being hurt or neglected in any way at her exH's house, she wouldn't rest until she was absolutely sure beyond a doubt that they were safe. I told her I would rather have to apologize later to BM than have to explain to SD why we did nothing if she was actually being hurt or neglected.
We're friends again.
Re: Friend and I fought over SM/BM roles
I have to say that I completely agree with your friend. The only people that should be parenting a child is the parents. If a stepparent wants to raise a child their way, they need to have a child. But I would be darned if someone will tell me what to do with my child and live to tell about it.
In most cases, I would also agree. But that's not why DH fought for primary custody, nor why he is taking BM BM back to court. And the only reason I ever say "we" when I talk about these things is because it fully involves me, as well. If you have an equal hand in supporting the child (financially and otherwise), raising the child, caring for the child, loving the child, etc. then you are more than just a babysitter.
I am only DH's support and backup when it comes to matters involving BM. I might advise him, but whether he takes my advice is up to him. His word is the one that matters. But in our own household, I am a parental figure, and my rules and my parenting does come into play. And personally, that is my belief of anyone involved in raising a child. Does that mean that there should not be a joint effort between those involved to do it together or at least along the same lines? No. But BM doesn't give a rat's arse what happens at her own house, let alone at ours.
For some reason not all of my OP actually got published... I think I accidentally deleted some of it as I was typing.
I meant to say in there, that I didn't entirely disagree with her, and I just wished I could tell her our whole situation so she would understand why DH is doing what he's doing and why I am so involved in SD's life and why I am so concerned for her all the time. But of course, I won't actually tell anyone in real life what's going on because the situation is so touchy.
It's hard to have friends that you can talk to about almost everything and have things that are hard to deal with that you absolutely can't talk to them about.
I had another more BFR point to my OP, but I think I forgot what it was. DS was waking up as I started to finish it up, so I just posted without including my point... and now I can't remember what it was exactly. Other than the not being able to talk to friends in real life about it thing. That was one point.
The molestation was never confirmed or physically supported. We're working on it again now.
I have been at home for three months and only just went back to work on Friday. We had her full time for six months with BM only getting supervised visitation during the custody dispute.
Because there was nothing to support the suspicion of molestation, the judge said there were no grounds to prove BM unfit after she cleaned up her house and that they needed to sort it out through mediation themselves. But when primary custody was given to DH, he foolishly agreed to return to the 50/50 visitation as long as DS's half-brother and BM remained in counseling and continued to receive improving reports from both counselor and school, as well as other stipulations. But it wasn't enough to solve the problem, and we think things are going on again. So DH is starting all over again.
My DH is a parent. We have DS 95% of the time, so we parent him. It would be totally and completely absurd to look at my H as a glorified babysitter. BUT, neither of us tell exH how to parent DS. How exH parents DS when DS is with him is up to him, unless and until DS is in some kind of danger.
If exH remarries, I don't expect his wife to sit on her hands while DS does whatever he pleases. But I also don't expect to have her school me on parenting DS.
So I guess I don't get your point.
And as far as the OP, each family is unique. How a particular parent (CP or NCP) and stepparent (CP or NCP) react to their roles are going to be different based on endless sets of circumstances and issues. It's crazy to think that it's a one-size-fits-all situation.
I'm going to try and respond without being biitchy.
My SD spends 50% of the year in my home. My DH works full time so i'm the one who takes her and picks her up from school. I help pick out her clothes and help her with her homework. I make her dinner and make sure she has clean clothes. I also make sure she respects me and my DH, does her chores, does well in school, says please and thank you, and goes to bed on time. If she has a problem or a question she knows she can come to me. She knows if she is sick she can depend on me to be there. My husband is very hands on with raising his children, but i'm the one home with them most of the time. I don't tell BM how to do things at her house, but i'll be damned if she tells me how to do things in mine. I have a young DS as well and I intend on raising them exactly the same, as my children. So at the end of the day I am just as much a parent as DH and BM, regardless of genetics.
It does not work that way in our home. Its actually in our CO that my ex (not her father) has no parenting rights whatsoever and is not authorized to make any decisions. He is listed as nothing more then an "uncle" that gets visitation. My ex & his gf discipline as a babysitter would, nothing more.
I would for sure not be ok with someone stepping in and attempting to parent MY child. Especially when their parenting is different then my style.
But if it works for all of you then thats great. Do what works for your families.
Um, you non-BF ex has visitation...he is just a babysitter then. The GF is only the GF to a guy that gets to see some kids he lived with.
I couldn't of said it better myself.
Correct, my ex is not her biodad. My ex has her an average of 3 days a month, never more than 24 hours at a time. We do treat him like a glorified babysitter, its really all the responsibility he can handle. His gf has attempted to jump in and change the way my dh & I raise dd but we pretty much told her to take a flying leap off a short pier. My dh is going through the process to adopt dd, so he will be her legal parent.
I dont know if this is directed at me, but I do not think a bm that allows anyone to abuse their child, in any form, should still have custody and unsupervised visitation. Unfortunately the court system is not as tough as I am. Part of why I was able to get it so my ex could not make decisions, is because his decision making is very flawed.
Very true. For a healthy relationship, both bio parents should be on the same page with raising a child. The step parent should defer to the parents judgement. For example, as a bm, if I want my young daughter to not have bangs (or dyed hair, tattoos, piercings, etc as a teenager), I think my decision trumps a SP's decision to cut them off.
But the different circumstances will vary in each individual case.
No it was directed at me.
No, my friend does not know all the details. As I said above, I don't want to reveal all those details, even to a close friend, because this is such a small town and word travels so fast. It's one of those "if sneeze, someone on the other end of town says 'bless you' " kind of places.
I think I accidentally deleted the end of my point (which was the whole point to me posting it all). I was just saying it sucks sometimes not to be able to talk to even your closest friends about the things that stress you out the most. Hence the reason I am glad we have the BF board.
Also, it sucks to be put under an umbrella categorization.
I know it was not proven but while I disagree with most issues with you, the thought of someone telling you that you are a babysitter and should not interfere with BMs decisions is killing me!
And Libby, it was for Amber but honestly I think her situation is a great example of why generalizations like the one you made should be kept to yourself b/c there are so many situations where it does not apply. Your situation is fairly unique and I am going to guess that there are many more people (obviously not the majority but still) in Amber's situation. And for the record, when our BM moved completely across the country (from Philly to CA) and only saw SD once every year and a half...I was not the babysitter!
I am not a babysitter to my SKIDS. I feel I do parent them and also do not step on anyone's toes... I respect DH and BM and what they would like for the kidsas far as raising them, etc, but am I merely a babysitter in the skids' lives...
NO.
(and we have them EOW and they come over fairly often- as they live nearby.)
Thanks for saying it depends on the situation=def not a one size fits all...
You are very jaded apparently. It's hard to respond to such ignorance. The only comment I can respond with is. If you as a SM wanted to raise your child with no other influence then you should not have had a child with someone you are no longer with or you should still be in that relationship. When you make the choice to end a relationship with the other bio parents then you do have to deal with stepparents, siginificant others, ect. It is great that many stepparents want to be involved in these childrens lives and that is the best thing for the kids to have loving people all around them. You may want to seek psychiatric help.
I am a very involved SM. I have been in my SD life since she was 3 years old and she doesn't remember a life without me in it. My DH has majority custody, so I personally feel that it is my job to help raise this child. I am NOT a babysitter. My SD says she has two mommys and constantly asks me why she can't call me mommy. I let her know that we both love her the same but she didn't come out of my tummy so she can call me step-mommy (which she does, and its pretty cute). Follow your heart always.
The relationship between step parents and stepchildren is precious and amazing, almost more so than the love you have for your own children. you will always love your children unconditionally, but the relationship between step parents and step children is far more fragile, delicate, and it requires a lot of work. loving your own requires nothing at all, you just do.