S/O Adoption: Why is your DH against it?

carney09 · September 2010

Mine is very leery of it too. He's afraid of getting a "bad egg" or something. I'm over simplifying his concerns, but I think you all know what I mean.

I honestly think if you adopted a baby, there is so much to the nurture part of a person that the baby would turn out fine...regardless of his/her genetic makeup.

But he's also concerned about not just the mental aspect of the child, but the physical aspect as well. Would this child be predisposed to certain diseases etc and would be able to know about that ahead of time.

And lastly, he's unsure of how it would work with the rights of birth parents and would we have to deal with them and so on...he'd be afraid to adopt a child and then have to fight with birth parents for right and potentially lose the child in the end.

MWoodside · September 2010

My DH just reviews adoption more as a last resort if we couldn't have our own babies. I don't see it that way. To me it's just another way to build a family.

We'd adopt internationally if we ever did it so the birth parent thing wouldn't be as big of an issue as a domestic adoption.

As for your DH, you could have a child with a disease as a child you birthed anyway so that stance confuses me.

two-pink-shoes · September 2010

He's not against it. In fact, he said that if for some reason we couldn't get pregnant he'd prefer that over IUI or IVF.

xtencornfield · September 2010

two-pink-shoes:
He's not against it. In fact, he said that if for some reason we couldn't get pregnant he'd prefer that over IUI or IVF.

DH was the same. I, however, was never on-board with adoption and still don't know if I would have been...I would have gone the IUI and/or IVF route, and it was a real possibility for us (I have PCOS). I can't say exactly why it didn't appeal to me, particularly since I've known several people who adopted babies and their children are wonderful. It's just one of those things I guess that I couldn't wrap my head around.

carney09 · September 2010

MWoodside:

My DH just reviews adoption more as a last resort if we couldn't have our own babies. I don't see it that way. To me it's just another way to build a family.

We'd adopt internationally if we ever did it so the birth parent thing wouldn't be as big of an issue as a domestic adoption.

As for your DH, you could have a child with a disease as a child you birthed anyway so that stance confuses me.

I wasn't clear, I wasn't meaning it would be an issue if the child had a disease. Of course our birth child could too. But right now, we know the medical history of our child's family. We know what could potentially be lurking. We know people who could be potential donors for things if need be.

With an adopted child, you don't have this knowledge. And that would make him nervous.

SassyPanties · September 2010

I would love to adopt from a third world country. I don't think we'll do it because I just think DH is of the mentality that if he's going to the expense and trouble to raise a child it should be his own flesh and blood.

I know it's not the most PC, but that's how it is.

ABColeslaw · September 2010

Having been through the process when we took custody of Cassi, I can tell you that most people are against it because the whole process a pain in the a** and it isn't just done and over....it could take years to finalize an adoption. Unless you do it with a private agency, you may not be disclosed all the information regarding health, history of the parents, genetic concerns....ect and if you can't sit with that then you won't get a child. For instance we were never told that Cassi had a severe mental illness that cycled in and out like bipolar but is more like Schizophrenia.....had I been told that info then I may have reconsidered, not because I wanted a perfect child, but because in the end it was clear that I was not able to meet her needs outside of a hospital setting.

Beyond that the process is so stressful it can really put a marriage to the test. Phill and I called our first wedding off smack dab in the middle of the whole thing. I wasn't sure if we would get married and it took till all was said and done and some therapy for us to get back on track.

Don't get me wrong, being a foster child, I love adoption and I think the people who do it are wonderful, but its not for everyone, you really have to know what you're getting into and decide if you're family can handle it. As for us, we are done. We won't adopt again. I wish I could say we had it in us to do it one more time, but unless we adopt internationally its not going to happen.

carney09 · September 2010

Hollysmoffett:

Having been through the process when we took custody of Cassi, I can tell you that most people are against it because the whole process a pain in the a** and it isn't just done and over....it could take years to finalize an adoption. Unless you do it with a private agency, you may not be disclosed all the information regarding health, history of the parents, genetic concerns....ect and if you can't sit with that then you won't get a child. For instance we were never told that Cassi had a severe mental illness that cycled in and out like bipolar but is more like Schizophrenia.....had I been told that info then I may have reconsidered, not because I wanted a perfect child, but because in the end it was clear that I was not able to meet her needs outside of a hospital setting.

Beyond that the process is so stressful it can really put a marriage to the test. Phill and I called our first wedding off smack dab in the middle of the whole thing. I wasn't sure if we would get married and it took till all was said and done and some therapy for us to get back on track.

Don't get me wrong, being a foster child, I love adoption and I think the people who do it are wonderful, but its not for everyone, you really have to know what you're getting into and decide if you're family can handle it. As for us, we are done. We won't adopt again. I wish I could say we had it in us to do it one more time, but unless we adopt internationally its not going to happen.

I don't know the story of Cassi...have you told it here? How is she now, still in a hospital? This is what my DH is afraid of, you summed it up nicely.

ABColeslaw · September 2010

carney09:
Hollysmoffett:

Having been through the process when we took custody of Cassi, I can tell you that most people are against it because the whole process a pain in the a** and it isn't just done and over....it could take years to finalize an adoption. Unless you do it with a private agency, you may not be disclosed all the information regarding health, history of the parents, genetic concerns....ect and if you can't sit with that then you won't get a child. For instance we were never told that Cassi had a severe mental illness that cycled in and out like bipolar but is more like Schizophrenia.....had I been told that info then I may have reconsidered, not because I wanted a perfect child, but because in the end it was clear that I was not able to meet her needs outside of a hospital setting.

Beyond that the process is so stressful it can really put a marriage to the test. Phill and I called our first wedding off smack dab in the middle of the whole thing. I wasn't sure if we would get married and it took till all was said and done and some therapy for us to get back on track.

Don't get me wrong, being a foster child, I love adoption and I think the people who do it are wonderful, but its not for everyone, you really have to know what you're getting into and decide if you're family can handle it. As for us, we are done. We won't adopt again. I wish I could say we had it in us to do it one more time, but unless we adopt internationally its not going to happen.

I don't know the story of Cassi...have you told it here? How is she now, still in a hospital? This is what my DH is afraid of, you summed it up nicely.

I've talked about it here and there, so its not a secret. My daughter is actually my biological cousin. She is turning 19 in Novemeber. She is not currently hospitilized, but she was in and out of rehab and the hospital several times over the past three years. I sectioned her a few times, but they can only keep a kid over 17 for so long before the kid has to want to be there or they can just walk out. Cassi is currently trying out the independent living thing, and its not going well.

It was a huge struggle going through the process to get her and it was a fight every step of the way and the state wanted to unload her...there was no one else stepping forward to take care of her....can you imagine how difficult it would be if she had been a desirable newborn? It would have been way worse.

I always shudder when people throw out the "there are so many needy kids who need homes its selfish blah blah blah" My sister is an adoption worker, I've actually adopted, and we both grew up in foster care....and still its not a path that is right for either of our families at the moment. Does that make me selfish? Maybe, but I just don't have it in me to go through those trials again.

ABColeslaw · September 2010

carney09:
Hollysmoffett:

Having been through the process when we took custody of Cassi, I can tell you that most people are against it because the whole process a pain in the a** and it isn't just done and over....it could take years to finalize an adoption. Unless you do it with a private agency, you may not be disclosed all the information regarding health, history of the parents, genetic concerns....ect and if you can't sit with that then you won't get a child. For instance we were never told that Cassi had a severe mental illness that cycled in and out like bipolar but is more like Schizophrenia.....had I been told that info then I may have reconsidered, not because I wanted a perfect child, but because in the end it was clear that I was not able to meet her needs outside of a hospital setting.

Beyond that the process is so stressful it can really put a marriage to the test. Phill and I called our first wedding off smack dab in the middle of the whole thing. I wasn't sure if we would get married and it took till all was said and done and some therapy for us to get back on track.

Don't get me wrong, being a foster child, I love adoption and I think the people who do it are wonderful, but its not for everyone, you really have to know what you're getting into and decide if you're family can handle it. As for us, we are done. We won't adopt again. I wish I could say we had it in us to do it one more time, but unless we adopt internationally its not going to happen.

I don't know the story of Cassi...have you told it here? How is she now, still in a hospital? This is what my DH is afraid of, you summed it up nicely.

I've talked about it here and there, so its not a secret. My daughter is actually my biological cousin. She is turning 19 in Novemeber. She is not currently hospitilized, but she was in and out of rehab and the hospital several times over the past three years. I sectioned her a few times, but they can only keep a kid over 17 for so long before the kid has to want to be there or they can just walk out. Cassi is currently trying out the independent living thing, and its not going well.

It was a huge struggle going through the process to get her and it was a fight every step of the way and the state wanted to unload her...there was no one else stepping forward to take care of her....can you imagine how difficult it would be if she had been a desirable newborn? It would have been way worse.

I always shudder when people throw out the "there are so many needy kids who need homes its selfish blah blah blah" My sister is an adoption worker, I've actually adopted, and we both grew up in foster care....and still its not a path that is right for either of our families at the moment. Does that make me selfish? Maybe, but I just don't have it in me to go through those trials again.

Mirage222 · September 2010

I would adopt in a heartbeat, my husband said he would never want to because it isn't his blood. I have several cousins on my dad's side that are adopted and they grew up in a very loving family.

lildevil968 · September 2010

I would in a heart beat. My sister and BIL are currently in the process to adopt their 3 foster children.

Dr.Loretta · September 2010

I'm an adoptive mom. DH was concerned about the invasiveness of the homestudy more than anything else. He did need some time to deal with not having a biological connection to DD. Now he says if DD had to leave us, he'd be devastated.

Your DH has legitimate concerns, but really, they're similar to what could happen if you have a bio child. Everyone has genes they could pass on to their children that could be detrimental, and each of us has family medical histories to take into consideration. And the best parents can end up having a loser for a child. We've all seen it happen.

In most cases, there is some sort of medical history available. We have very little from DD's birthfather, but everything under the sun from her birthmother.

In terms of the rights of birthparents, that is such a common concern it's not even funny. It all boils down to fear of the unknown. As people enter the world of adoption, especially open adoption as most domestic adoption is these days, they see how it generally works and find it's not as daunting as it seems. Generally speaking, the birthparents sign their legal rights away, and that's binding 30 days later. And once the adoption is finalized, they have no legal recourse unless they can show clear coercion. So while it can be nervewracking for the first month or so, after that it's smooth sailing.

rchelone · September 2010

My DH, (and some of the other men I know) feel a need to carry on the family bloodlines, I think it's a need that is almost culturally ingrained into them. I think the need to have his own children to make sure his family's line is carried on is part of what makes him opposed to adoption, I'm not sure what we would have done if we had experienced fertility problems.

Dr.Loretta · September 2010

Hollysmoffett:

Having been through the process when we took custody of Cassi, I can tell you that most people are against it because the whole process a pain in the a** and it isn't just done and over....it could take years to finalize an adoption.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time with your adoption. Ours was very straightforward. We signed with an agency, we filled out paperwork, were interviewed, made up a profile, waited a few months, and were matched. Termination of parental rights happened 30 days after signing for the birthmom, and will happen in court tomorrow for the birthfather (and we don't have to be there).

The biggest issue a lot of people have, and a legitimate issue with domestic or international adoption, is cost. The fees can be significant, but they're all for a reason (eg, legal fees, advertising/finding birthfamilies, providing counseling to birthfamilies, doing all the upfront paperwork etc. for domestic; legal paperwork for 2 different countries, supporting orphanages or foster families in another country, etc. for international). Foster care can be free (or close to it), but there's the fear of ending up with foster children who have undergone abuse, neglect, or worse.

It's not for everyone. But for those interested, the options are vast.

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