keeping mom out of delivery room?

vanilla15 · August 2010

Malia's post about a sticky situation (and Lisa's great response) got me thinking maybe you could help with a situation of my own.

I just want the delivery room to be me & DH (for actual, active labor - I don't mind family in the room before and after). I think pretty much everyone assumes they can't be in there for active labor, everyone except maybe my mom. Now she hasn't specifically said "I will be in there when the baby is born" but she also hasn't not said that either. And she can definitely be pushy/bossy...you know all mom-like! Today when I was talking to her, I was trying to be slick and said things like "oh should DH run out and just say 'It's a boy/girl. Mom & baby are great'" or should he also tell everyone the name too?" She gave her opinion, but I am not sure if she was thinking well that is for the announcement to everyone else except for me b/c I will already know b/c I will be in there.

I just don't know. It is in my birthplan that I just want me & DH in there for active labor so I can just let the nurses deal with it, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am sure not sure which is better. I am not sure if I will see her again before the big day, but if I do see her I could always let her see the birthplan and then she would see it in there & remove all doubt. I just don't know if I will see her...

so what is your wise wisdom!?

MrsNJSwimmer · August 2010

I would let the docs and nurses deal with it. Our nurse at the practice told us the docs run interference for patients all the time

Wouldn't hurt to show her the plan beforehand, if you get the chance. Are your parents local? If not, maybe you can bring it up when you discuss when they want you to call them and let them know you're in labor - when it starts, when you're at the hospital, etc.

We ended up in the situation where DH was the ONLY one allowed in due to H1N1 restrictions, but before we knew that, I told my mom and I wanted it to be just me and DH in the delivery room.

lola808 · August 2010

One easy way to deal with it is just to invoke hospital or doctor "policy" (e.g., one guest only in L&D). That's what our nurses said they do when they have to enforce the patient's wishes.

If that doesn't work, just be honest. My mom and I are super close, but I wasn't comfortable having her (or anyone) there till baby was born. We just told our families what our plans were and thankfully they didn't press us. People should try to respect that these are the first moments of your life as a new family and that should be precious, private time, if you so choose.

redshoegirl · August 2010

I'd tell your mother clearly that you only want DH there during labor, just so you know you've actually said it and there's no room for misunderstandings: "I'm so glad you'll be there before active labor, to help keep me calm and happy - of course, when things get going I'm going to want it to be just me and DH. When the baby is born, he'll come tell you ASAP and you'll be able to see us after I get out of recovery. It's all so exciting, isn't it? (((insert hug here)))"

And telling your doctor and nurses your wishes is also a good idea - they will quietly and firmly escort her out when the time comes, if she doesn't want to leave willingly. A friend of mine who is a nurse assures me that they do this all the time, so you don't need to feel bad or weird about asking them to help you enforce your wishes.

MIL said for ages that she was going to be there, and all of my hints (and outright statements of "It's just going to be me and DH") didn't work. Finally I had to resort to a minor threat: that we wouldn't even tell her I was in labor and only call after the babies were born unless she respected my wishes. At which point she said she never planned on being there (riiiiiight), and as things turned out, she wasn't (I had to deliver in another city), but I did have to get pretty firm to get her to understand that this was MY labor and delivery and what *I* wanted was going to happen. Hopefully you won't have to resort to that!

mrspresley · August 2010

i am so non-confrontational that i would just have the docs/nurses tell her that there is only 1 guest allowed in the room at a time. it's not uncommon for hospitals to have that policy so she shouldn't be surprised

MauiWedding08 · September 2010

my mom was adamant that she didn't want to be there - but said I could call her anytime if I wanted.

BUT if there was any doubt I would have told her outright just because (I'm thinking of MIL) if she felt that she needed/should be there and I hadn't said otherwise I can really see her causing issues for the nurses (who I want to be focused on ME haha). I can picture her engaging them and saying - "no, really I am suppose to be there - just go ask, blah blah blah" I'm sure they would do a good job gate keeping, but I would rather just take care of it early and let them do their job of taking care of me and baby.

So I think Lisa's proposed talk is good - I just wanted to add that I would rather get it out there before hand than be worried about it day of.

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